The Subject is HELLO!

....when you might have thought it was MONEY!

From: Ben 2006 [mailto: ben.2006@att.net ]
To: undisclosed recipients:
Subject: Hello!

On 3-1-11, Benjamin Mtuli wrote:
From: Mr. Benjamin.
Department of Mineral Resources
Republic of South Africa

Hello!

Please I have a business deal for you, do read the attached letter and see if you can work with us in actualizing the project.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Best Regards,

Mr. Benjamin

Department of Minerals & Energy

Tel: +27-71-xxx-xxxx

On 3-1-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Benjamin.

I am very much interested in helping you in this endeavor.

Please let me know what you might need me to do.

I read your attached letter and I completely understand your predicament. However if you are soliciting others to help you, keep in mind that I would be willing to take a smaller percentage if necessary. Perhaps 22%?

If on the other hand, you are not asking others for help, I would like to know if you can increase my percentage to 28%.

Also, I am presently “between phones”. Therefore all business must be conducted via email.

Thank you.

Quaylon Potpie
Senior Accounts Manager
Vladdio Hyperbolic Engineering, Ltd.

PS. What is your last name if your first name is Benjamin?

From: Ben 2006 [ mailto:benjamin2006@live.co.za ]
Subject: The Procedure and I Need A Green Light To Proceed Further With You.

On 3-8-11, Benjamin Mtuli wrote:
From: Mr.Benjamin
Private E-mail: benjamin2006@live.co.za
Contact Number: +27-71-xxx-xxxx

Attn: Quaylon Potpie.

Dear Sir,

This is in accordance with your mail response regarding the business deal proposal which I sent you, I just want to appreciate your interest in working with us in this lucrative and profitable deal and at the same time want to highlight that this transaction requires 100% commitment in all corollary, so for this, it makes this transaction very huge and not something to play with, please do bear with me for my language. In addition, I want to apologize for the late response, my team was representing the department on a conference in Kenya, so we only arrived yesterday evening.

However, the amount involved is $34.7M United States dollars only, and at the moment the fund in question is still the bank vault awaiting application for claim, so all we want to do now is to effect an immediate change of beneficiary of the contract sum to your name and have the fund moved for our use, I want you to know that as far as we am concerned, no one knows about the existence of this fund except you and my colleagues.

Meanwhile, before we can proceed in this voyage, you have to furnish us with some vital information that will be helpful for the success of this project. these information I will be requesting, will help in the procurement of all relevant legal instruments/contract documents that will legally make you a contractor and the bona-fide beneficiary of this fund. Note that I will engage the services of an attorney here and I will take care of the attorney because the attorney will be representing you here and also he will be in charge to secure/procure all the required documents from the high court of justice and other government institution concerned.

I want you to know that the fund in question will come to you as an unclaimed/unpaid contract fund, so you have nothing worry about okay because everything will be done legally and legitimately, so for this I urge to furnish me with the below listed information so that we can proceed without wasting time.

1). I need a copy of your international passport or a copy of your driver's license, (scanned).
2). Your office or residential address.
3). I need your personal/direct telephone/fax numbers.
4). What is your profession?
5). What is your marital status?
6). Do you have investment account co-ordinates where this fund will be transferred?

As a matter of urgency, I want you to furnish me with the above listed information in the next 24 hours please, so that we can start work in this project and I will be making an immediate contact to some international business attorneys here and see what their services is like, then I will compare their requirements, but please send this immediately and do ring me as soon as the information has been sent.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Best Regards,

Mr. Benjamin
Department of Minerals & Energy
Tel: +27-71-xxx-xxxx

On 3-8-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Benjamin,

In answer to your requests…. You’re making this all a bit difficult.

1). I need a copy of your international passport or a copy of your driver's license, (scanned). I have a passport (aren’t they all international?), not a driver’s license, but it may take me a few days to get it scanned.

2). Your office or residential address.
My office address is
1901 North 15,551st Street
Numero Uno, New York 11208

3). I need your personal (I never give out my personal number)/direct telephone (I can give this to you when it becomes absolutely necessary)/fax numbers (I’d rather not have faxes come to me at my office. I want to keep this arrangement private. I’ll purchase a personal fax machine if you believe it’s important).

4). What is your profession? Senior Accounts Manager of Vladdio Hyperbolic Engineering – Current project is Rust Observation.

5). What is your marital status? I don’t know why this matters to you but if you must know, I am single. If you have any good leads, I might be interested.

6). Do you have investment account co-ordinates where this fund will be transferred? Yes I do.

I too am eager to move along in this endeavor. Let me know what else you need.

And by the way, you never told me if Benjamin is your first name or your last name. As you can see Potpie is my last name but some people assume it’s my first name. I don’t know why.

You have a GREEN LIGHT from me. Time to boogie.

Quaylon

From: Ben 2006 [mailto: benjamin2006@live.co.za ]
Subject: Project Update

On 3-8-11, Benjamin Mtuli wrote:
From: Mr.Benjamin Mtuli
Private E-mail: benjamin2006@live.co.za
Contact Number: +27-71-xxx-xxxx

Attn: Quaylon Potpie.

Dear Sir,

Thanks for your swift response, and I want you to understand that I am not making things difficult rather all that I have requested from you are very vital for the success of this project and without these information we cannot secure/obtain all the relevant legal documents that will back this project.

Secondly, passport is passport, so if you have a passport it is okay and all you have to do is forward me a scanned a copy before Thursday this week, and it is very important you secure a private fax line because some institutions concerned in this project will prefer to communicate through fax, so it is very vital you secure the fax line.

However, I have noted all the provided information and we will be meeting with the attorney this evening to start the execution process of this project and by tomorrow I will highlight you on the outcome of the meeting and the progress so far, but don't forget to furnish me with the copy of your passport.

Thanks for your co-operation.
Best Regards,

Mr. Benjamin Mtuli.
Department of Minerals & Energy
Tel: +27-71-xxx-xxxx

On 3-8-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Ben,

Thank you for giving me a few days to secure access to a scanner and a fax machine. I directed my man-servant, Chickie (he is also my brother…. It’s a long story) to get me a fax machine.

The way I calculate it, 28% of 34.7 million US dollars is $9,716,000. I told Chickie to get the very best fax machine money can buy. I don’t believe that it should cost me more than a thousand dollars. But that’s nothing compared to the money I will be receiving, right?

In the mean time, is there anything else I can be doing to speed the process along?

I really don’t want any delays once you receive all of my information.

Quaylon

PS. I noticed that your last name is Mtuli. You probably know this but that is a very common name. We have a Boswell Mtuli working here in our offices. Also my mailman’s name is Mtuli – but that’s his first name. I also know a prostitute named Mtuli. Her first name is Simone, but everybody calls her Lefty. Care to guess why?

On 3-10-11, Benjamin Mtuli wrote:
Sir,

Thanks for your responses to proceed further in this transaction with you and I promise you will not regret it if we work with mutual acuity, understanding and commitment and I believe you understood all the details on how this transaction will be executed without any form of Snag.

So do find attached the claim application letter which you will have to send to the CRT for the initial claim, do download the attached claim letter, fill in your name and other required details and forward the application to the CRT on the email address stated on the application.

As you transmit the application letter to the CRT, please be at alert on your email or fax as the CRT will send you the Dormant Account application form to fill, like I wrote in my previous mail which will enable them start the whole process.

Furthermore, in the issue of mode of sharing of the fund, I want you to know that I am a man of integrity and as the case has been, there is no need of being greedy because no man is an island, I needed someone to make this a success and that someone happens to be you, like they all always say, every laborer deserves wages and since both of us has major roles to play in this project, the sharing proportion will be like this. So Sir, I have decided to offer you 25% of the total money and 75% for us, It is like this because we initiated this business deal and we believe that this sharing proportion is quite good from our own point of view, or what do you think?

Please it is very important you keep me posted on any development from the CRT and please in no circumstance will the CRT have an idea that I am involved in this claim, so take heed.

Thanks for your co-operation.

Best Regards,

Mr. Benjamin Mtuli.
Department of Minerals & Energy
Tel: +27-71-xxx-xxxx

N/B: Do not forget to inform me as soon as you have forwarded the completed application to the CRT, and do furnish me as well with your direct contact telephone numbers and you can as well reach me on the specified contact number above.

(I got seriously distracted at this point and never followed up.)

Agent Fubar

....hot on the trail of them Ghanaian Scammers!

From: bob white [mailto: bob.white247@gmail.com ]
Sent: Tuesday, February 08, 2011 4:13 PM
Subject: info needed

On 2-8-11, Bob White wrote:
Hi good day,

I will like to know if you carry out pool fence services..

Look forward to you response.

Regards,
Bob
4241 Mcnamara Way
City : Sacramento
95825 ,CA
phone:760-xxx-xxxx

On 2-9-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Bob,

Yes we do carry out pool fence services.

Unlike many of our competitors, we go that extra mile to satisfy our customer’s needs. And in your case, we go that extra 3000 miles.

Let me know exactly what you need and I’ll write up a proposal for you.

Thanks.

Simba Witz
Service Manager
Vladdio Pool Fence Service

On 2-10-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Bob,

Are you still interested in our service? Please get back to me ASAP.

Thanks.

Simba

On 2-10-11, Bob White wrote:
Yes I am interested and what are the sizes that you can have costume for me..

Bob

On 2-10-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Bob,

Regarding your question about sizes….

We carry a full line of sizes from 35” to up and including 87”. We can of course customize each size according to the conditions of the crank and flow.

We’ve found that the 44” and the 53” work well in all positions from flout to grimmel.

Let me recommend that you order 150’ of 44”. The Blue and the Blush colors are the most popular. I’ll need you to make a decision about that as I can’t really recommend one over the other.

The price is $14.95 per foot bringing this to a total of $2,242.50

If you find that the 44” is not to your liking we can exchange it at a small return fee. But truly, I’m fairly certain 44” will work for you.

I will need to know how and where you would like this shipped, what payment terms you prefer, and of course the color.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

Thank you.

Simba.

On 2-10-11, Bob White wrote:
I will like to go in for 44' and hope you can put the charges on my mastercard or visacard.. with the total amount of $2,242.50 and how soon can this order can be ready

Bob

On 2-10-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Bob,

The material you asked about is in stock and is normally ready to ship in 24 hours. However we’ve recently discovered that our online catalogue, accessible through our website, has been hacked by Ghanaian scammers. We were forced to shut it all down (our website too) and we are, even now, redoubling our IT branch to cover losses and repair the vandalism.

Fortunately, government techs from the Department of Science knew about this even before we did and they imposed a kind of martial law at our main headquarters as soon as we found out that we were hit. No one comes in and no one goes out. Apparently (and I didn’t know this) besides being the home of the sloppiest people in the world Ghana is also the world’s hub of the internet’s dopiest scammers and biggest losers. These government types have countless stories about Ghana. I don’t think I’ve ever heard so many dirty jokes and clever insults about one group of people in my whole life. For example, here’s a mild one: Question: How many Ghanaians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: Please don’t say the word “Ghanaian”. It gets me sick to my stomach.

I think you and I should be glad to be from a country like the USA where vomiting is not a spectator sport. It is in Ghana.

Anyway, to answer your question, yes we take MasterCard and VisaCard. Please let me know how you would like to handle shipping.

We expect to be up and running in a few more days. Agent Fubar says they have pretty good intelligence on the idiot Ghanaian scammers and they should have warrants issued for them before the weekend. None of this affects you in any other way, of course, since you’re in California. (I’m in North Carolina.) And I’m sorry to prattle on so, but it’s not everyday I run into Ghanaian scammers. Y’know, I even heard they have tails!

Simba

PS I must know what color you decided on. Blue or Blush? By the way, Rook is also a nice color.

On 2-12-11, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Bob,

Great News! The G-men here wrapped up their investigation late last night and your order is ready to ship.

(I guess the government of Ghana caved to US demands to crack down on these stupid Ghanaians – I heard even their shadows smell funny. They’re sending out animal wranglers to round them up. They used to use cattle prods but it turns out they liked it. Now they just wave bars of soap and deodorant at them. That gets them moving.)

So send me your payment info as soon as you can.

Hey – God Bless America, right? We should thank our lucky stars that we were born this far from an armpit like Ghana.

Simba

He Assured Me That It Wasn't A Scam

....and that's how I knew it wasn't a scam!

From: scott warrick [mailto: scottwarrick2@gmail.com ]
Sent: Tuesday, January 25, 2011 6:30 PM
Subject: Re: ORDER

On 1-25-11, Scott Warrick wrote:
I need this Toilet Paper Saver Product Number: TP-01 and What is the price of one..

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

Your inquiry regarding The Toilet Paper Saver Model TP-01 has been forwarded to me.

We are the premier toilet paper accessory company in North America for the past 135 years.

I would like to send you our 2011 catalogue which boasts over 600 pages of over 175,000 toilet and toilet paper accessories. Please give us your address in a response email.

Meanwhile, in answer to your question, the Model TP-01 is available for $5.51 each plus shipping.

Additionally we have the following items on close-out special:

Model TP-4044R - Toilet Paper Recycling Kit: $39.35 each
Model TP-507 GQ - Toilet Paper Stain Remover: $19.95 (pack of 12)
Model TP-99-98 GQ - Toilet Paper Disposal Bow Tie (clip-on): $14.95 (pack of 30)
Model TP-114 PPSAT - Toilet Paper Child Forensic Science DNA Swipe Kit: $34.95

Thank you for your interest in our products and please don’t hesitate to contact me with any other toilet related questions.

Bethanne Fettamine
Sales
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
“Number One for All of Your Number One and Number Two Paper Needs”

On 1-26-11, Scott Warrick wrote:
Subject: Re: Toilet Paper Saver Product Number: TP-01

I want this Model TP-4044R - Toilet Paper Recycling Kit at the price of $39.35 and I will
need 100unit of them?What will be the Total cost including Taxes?hat types of payments do you accept?Thank you and waiting for your reply.

Regards,
Scott..

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

I asked our accounting department to work on your question and using a proprietary mathematical formula, they came up with an answer.

$3,935.00

There is no tax on any human waste elimination products or accessories thanks to the Escobar-Fleeber Act of 1912.

We accept ALL major credit cards for payment.

Please let me know how you would like to proceed.

Thank you.
Bethanne Fettamine
Sales
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
“Number One for All of Your Number One and Number Two Paper Needs”

On 1-26-11, Scott Warrick wrote:
Hello,
Thanks for the email and i appreciate that.Yes i want to go ahead and proceed with order and shipping.Regarding the shipping, i will be shipping them to my Client Marry F Jones in ( Norway ) and I recommend you contact the Live express air freight and find out about the shipping charges from your location to this delivery address below.

Marry F Jones
Grimstad Plant
Televeien 1 4879
Grimstad, Norway

And this is the contact for the shipping as well:
Name Of Company: Live express air freight
Email: liveexpressairfreight@yahoo.com

The freight company will be at your location for pick up.I want you to contact them and find out about the shipping cost and email me back with the subtotal of the units plus the shipping cost as well.Thank you and waiting for your prompt responds.

Regards,
Scott..

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote to the “shipper”:
Dear Live Express Air Freight,

I need a price quote for merchandise to be shipped from our facility to a customer in Norway.

Please note:

Pick up at:

Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
Gravity Ping Industrial Park
Unit 2
12000 Goiter Dance Blvd
Jalapeno, RI 02817

See below for Destination.

Size of container: Pallet 42” x 42” x 54”
Weight (including pallet): 1250 lbs.

Thank you.

Bethanne Fettamine
Sales
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
“Number One for All of Your Number One and Number Two Paper Needs”

On 1-26-11, the “shipper” wrote:
From: Liveexpress Freight [mailto: liveexpressairfreight@yahoo.com ]
Subject: Freight Quote

Live Express Air freight

Thank you for contacting Live express air freight, we are always at your services,Linking packages worldwide.International Air freight shipping quote Door to door delivery.

Pick Up From
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
Gravity Ping Industrial Park
Unit 2 12000 Goiter Dance Blvd
Jalapeno, RI 02817.

To

Delivery TO
Marry F Jones
Grimstad Plant
Televeien 1 4879
Grimstad, Norway

Weight :@ (including pallet): 1250 lbs..

container: Pallet 42” x 42” x 54”

Shipping: $1,600.00
Taxes: $200.00
Customs Duties: $400.00
Pick up: $150.00
Handling: $300.00

Total: USD $ 2,650.00

Prices Include Taxes and Duty Charges.

We appreciate this opportunity to offer our quotation for the above shipment. Please note that all pricing is based on current tariff(s) and the cargo specifications as noted and is subject to change based on current tariff(s) and the cargo specifications. The above rate is valid for 7 days and is not a guarantee of service .

We would like you to know that before any pick up is made all payments should be made to our financial manager at the Head Office.As soon as payment is confirmed by our financial manager in the delivery location, We would then contact you to give us a specific date and time for us to come for the pick-up. It takes approximately 2 to 3 days delivery when picked up.

We look forward to serving you to your fullest satisfaction.

Thank You
David Wilson(Pricing and Booking Team Manager)
Live Express air Freight.

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

The freight company you recommended must be extremely efficient. I received a price quote within 12 hours and for us, that’s very fast. I congratulate you on a good choice.

See below for there pricing.

Let me know when I can receive your payment information.

Also, I noticed that this shipment will be received by a Marry F. Jones. I recall that a Norwegian woman of that same name was an Olympic Cross-Country Skier. Is this the same person? Please let me know. My son is an avid skier and would love to know that THE Marry Jones is handling one of our orders.

Thanks

Bethanne Fettamine
Sales
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
“Number One for All of Your Number One and Number Two Paper Needs”

On 1-27-11, Scott Warrick wrote:
Thank you for your email and the wonderful customer service you have provided me so far, I really appreciate it and I would like to move on with payment for the total cost. I would like you to email me back to confirm the total cost once again before I make this payment today.

Regards.
Scott..

On 2-2-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

The total for this order is as follows:

Material: $3,935.00
Shipping: $2,650.00

If you were to pay this altogether, your total would be $6,585.00

If you would like for us to handle the freight payment to your shipper we add a service fee of $400. The new total would then be $6,985.00

One last thing. I asked you about Marry F. Jones whom we know to be an Olympic skier. I also noticed that the freight manager’s name is David Wilson. And of course your own name is Scott Warrick. It can be no coincidence that ALL 3 names, which you’ve given to me as principals in this order are ALL famous Olympians. David Wilson is, of course, a household name as gold medalist in Tug-of-War and Ice Fishing. And Scott Warrick is most notable as a Gold medalist in the summer games rodeo hog tying and tight rope.

Again, this is either an amazing coincidence that all of these names of famous sportspersons, or that there is a scam going on at your end.

As much as I would appreciate your business, I need assurance from you that this is not a scam and that you are all in fact who you say you are. And if you are all indeed part-time sports heroes, I would like to know if I can have photos and/or autographs from all of you as my son and I are great fans.

Thank you and I look forward to hearing positively from you.

Bethanne Fettamine
Sales
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
“Number One for All of Your Number One and Number Two Paper Needs”

On 2-2-11, Scott Warrick wrote:
Can you go ahead and provide me with you phone so that will give you a
call to discuss about my order..

Regards.
Scott..

On 2-2-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

I am on the road right now and I am unfortunately “between cell phones”. That mean that I lost mine.

(Actually, I dropped it in “The Grande Pit” at a community waste center in Bubba, TX. I’d been demonstrating the smoothness, flavor and pliability of our new product Ginger Snap Toilet Tissue. I was squatted over the tank when I stumbled and my cell tumbled in. Nothing gets a salesperson sicker than hearing that “Glurp” sound when their cell phone hits “the enemy” – that’s what we in the TP industry call shit.)

I call into the office for my messages 4 times a day until I can get a replacement phone. But fortunately I can still get my email via my Ipod. Let’s just continue that way.

So… you were going to reassure me that this is not a scam. Right?

Meanwhile, your order is crated and ready to ship, awaiting your email and payment information.

Thank you.

Bethanne Fettamine
Sales
Vladdio Toilet Paper Products, LLC
“Number One for All of Your Number One and Number Two Paper Needs”

On 2-2-11, Scott Warrick wrote:
Is not a scam...You can call me on # 206-xxx-xxxx ..

Scott..

On 2-2-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

I know for a fact that the 206 area code is in Washington State and that THE Olympic Rodeo Star Scott Warrick lives in Seattle.

It’s really you! Isn’t it?!?

Scott, I’m scheduled to be in Seattle next Monday and Tuesday and I would absolutely LOVE to meet with you!

If you can wait until then, I can answer any questions you might have in person. And to make it all the more enticing, I’ll even ship out the TP-4044R so that they arrive when I do. That way I can give you a hands-on demonstration. And let me make it even more enticing. Would you be interested in filming a “celebrity endorsement” for us? I’m certain we can make it worth your while. Think about it, but get back to me ASAP.

Bethanne

On 2-5-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Scott,

I’ll be arriving in Seattle Sunday evening.

I’m bringing about 200 photos of you for you to sign. Autographs, you know. It won’t take long, I promise. I’ll inspire you to sign very fast.

Would you like to meet for dinner? I know a place down near Pioneer Square that sells caribou steaks. My treat.

Let me know.

Bethanne

Australia - NOT AUSTRIA!!!

....I think even a 4 year old boy knows that!

From: Luke McNie [mailto: lukemcnie@gmail.com ]
Sent: Monday, January 10, 2011 5:52 AM
Subject: Urgent Order

On 1-10-11, Luke McNie wrote:
Attn:Owner,
I am Luke and I want to place an order from your company i would like to
Buy some (Self Closing Gate)and i have this size for you .

i)Size: 5X15 75 sq.ft.
ii)Size:5X20 75 sq.ft.

if you have them in stock now please advise the cost of Each as well as the
type of credit card you accept for Payment and also if do not have them
available now what do you have in stock .please advise Thank You Have a Nice
Day.
Regards,
Luke

On 1-11-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

Thank you for your interest in our Self Closing Gates.

Unfortunately the sizes you are looking for are currently out of stock.

However we do have the following items in stock:

140’ of Heavy Duty Harrumph (galvanized) $1499 total
140’ of Topical Cream (pre-digested) $1545 total
210’ of Stamina (Red or Orange) $2650 total with saliva

I think you should probably order one unit of each. GRAND TOTAL is $5694.

Let me know how you would like this shipped.

Frank Parallel
Vladdio Gates and Stew, Inc.

On 1-11-11, Luke McNie wrote:
Thanks For Your Feedback.I Appreciate Your Concern In this Product And I Would Like To Buy The Once You Showed Me.

Thank You

On 1-11-11, Luke McNie wrote:
Hello .
Thank you for the .and i really appreciate.As at now it will be shipped to my Client so i will like you to contact a shipping company called Bedfordfairfreight as recommended regarding the shipping cost (Door to Door) to the address below,They will come to your location and make the Pick Up from you as soon as you get them at your store.

Here is the Delivery address:
25 Cromwell St,
Glen Iris, Victoria, 3146.
Australia

Here is the Contact Details for the Freight Company below,Send them an email and they will respond with a Quote:

Bedfordfairfreight Shipping Limited
Email: Bedfordfairfreightline@hotmail.com

Email me back with the total cost of the unit as well as the shipping cost so that i can proceed with payment with my credit card.Waiting for your email soon.

Thank You,
Luke

On 1-11-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Bedford,

Your company has been chosen out of over 10,000 disreputable shipping companies to handle the delivery of 140’ of Heavy Duty Harrumph, 140’ of Topical Cream, and 210’ of Stamina. (See below.)

I'm sure you are familiar with the specifics of this type of order. That is to say: the weight, the dimensions, the chuckles.

Please then - for the love of God! - send me they shipping costs. And keep in mind that this order will be going to Australia - NOT AUSTRIA!!!

I need to have pricing from you immediately. If you cannot get me the pricing fast enough - YOU'RE FIRED!!. You don't want me to say that, do you?

The pick-up location is:
9899 Sucking Chest Wound Drive
Tout Le Monde, GA 30306

Thank you.

Frank Parallel

On 1-12-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

I have not heard back from your shipper yet. I suspect they are either too busy to handle your business or too stupid.

I can recommend another shipper if you would like. I deal with Kangaroo Kontainers out of Brisbane whenever I ship to Australia – NOT AUSTRIA. In the many many weeks I’ve dealt with them they have only lost, damaged, or destroyed only 41 out of the 85 parcels I had placed with them. I’d call them pretty good odds.

Would you like me to contact them in order to get a shipping quote?

I will do this because we are coming close to the expiration dates on the Harrumph. And I don’t believe you or your customers would appreciate stale Harrumph.

Let me know what you’d like to do.

Frank.

On 1-12-11, Luke McNie wrote:
Thanks For The Reply and if you have hear form them email me back with the grant total cost of the unit as well as the shipping cost so that i can proceed with payment with my credit card.Waiting for your
email soon.

Thank You,
Luke

From: Shawn Kings [mailto: bedfordfairfreightline@hotmail.com ]
Subject: Freight Quote..

On 1-12-11, the “shipper” wrote:
Thank you for contacting Bedfordfair Shipping Limited, we are always at your services, Linking packages worldwide.International shipping quote Door to door delivery of 140’ of Heavy Duty Harrumph, 140’ of Topical Cream, and 210’ of Stamina.

From:
9899 Sucking Chest Wound Drive
Tout Le Monde, GA 30306

To:
25 Cromwell St,
Glen Iris, Victoria, 3146.
Australia

Shipping: $1100.00
Taxes: $270.00
Fuel : $190
Customs Duties: $350.00
Pick up: $460.00
Handling: $400.00

Total: $ 2,770.00

Prices Include Taxes and Duty Charges.

We appreciate this opportunity to offer our quotation for the above shipment. Please note that all pricing is based on current tariff(s) and the cargo specifications as noted and is subject to change based on current tariff(s) and the cargo specifications. The above rate is valid for 7 days and is not a guarantee of service .

We would like you to know that before any pick up is made all payments should be made to our financial manager at the Head Office.As soon as payment is confirmed by our financial manager in the delivery location, We would then contact you to give us a specific date and time for us to come for the pick-up. It takes approximately 2 to 3 days delivery when picked up.

We look forward to serving you to your fullest satisfaction.

Thank you,
Jonas Simpson
Bedfordfreight Limited.

On 1-12-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

I have copied the quote from the shipper below. Please note that they require payment prior to pick-up of the parcel.

Now I don’t ordinarily do this but I get a good feeling about you and I’d like to make a proposal to you.

Let me pay the freight charges up front. Then you can send me the price of the material ($5694) and the freight ($2770) for a total of $8,464.00. Then I can pay the shipper. I think this would speed up the delivery process.

I will ask for one thing in return. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to add a convenience fee – something like an extra $10,000 for my troubles. Am I right? Well, no I’m not going to ask for that. In fact I’m not going to ask for any additional fees. What I want is a letter of recommendation of sorts. An EMAIL of recommendation… of sorts.

Here is what I want it to say. (You can re-word it if you wish. Just remember to fill in the blanks.)

Dear President Obama,
It would give me, (put your name here. If you have a nickname, that would be better), great joy and happiness (in fact, it would give me actual physical pleasure) if you could take pity on my good friend, Frank Parallel. He is the finest, most honest person on the face of the earth and I get chills all over my body whenever I think about him. And I think about him constantly. The stories about Frank and Nancy Pelosi are just not true. In fact he gave her all of that money back and if he could bring her dog back to life he surely would. The photos and the recordings are all fakes. I know they are because I was with Frank on the night of October 27, 2009. And yes he did meet me a bit later than usual but that was only because he fell into an open pit at a rendering plant. And THAT’S how he got all of that blood on him.

Barack, (may I call you Barack), I would certainly give my life for Frank. I have already given him one of my kidneys. He is a wise, good, and true friend. He is like a father to my children and like a husband to my wife. I remember the time (and here is where you get to tell a story about when we were young together. I would recommend something not too political or gross.) Please bestow upon Frank a pardon. You can do it. I know you can and I know you will. I will definitely vote for you for a second term in office and I know Frank will too. In fact he told me that he voted for you 4 TIMES in the last election.

Have mercy on him, Mr. President.
Thank you.

Luke Skywalker McNie

I added “Skywalker” to your name. I think it will get more attention that way. (You might want to start using it anyway. It would be good for business.)

And Luke, thanks so much for doing this for me. It’s a pleasure working with you.

Frank

On 1-14-11, Luke McNie wrote:
I want to proceed with the payment so give me your number where i can reach you so that i can proceed with the payment,

Thank you,
Luke..

On 1-14-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

Thank you for your order.

The total is $8,464.00. This includes the shipping costs.

I should have told you this before but all of our correspondence must be via email. For religious reasons I am unable to use a telephone to speak directly to you. I know this sound peculiar but my religion, Gno Zoop Foryu, forbids any of its members from hearing the words of the blasphemers (that’s you) spoken directly into their ears (that’s my ears).

Please continue to conduct the rest of our business the way we have been so far.

Thanks for your understanding even though you are a heathen.

Frank.

PS. I’m still waiting for the letter you promised to write for me. Just attach it to the next email you send me.


On 1-17-11, Luke McNie wrote:
thank you for the reply and can you give me you office number so that
i would call to make the both payment to you today .

On 1-17-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

I think I'm one of those people who just happen to have to deal with stupid people all of the time so I'm really not too surprised by your last email.

If you're not too busy playing with puppies or coloring or skipping rope, you should go back and re-read the last thing I wrote to you. In it you'll learn that I am unable to use a telephone when communicating with you. This is primarily for religious reasons. However I truly hate to speak directly to idiots, and I think it’s safe to say that you fit into that category.

Please continue with the order via email. And please add a $250 moron fee to the total.

Thank you.

Frank

From: John Mckissock [mailto: j.mckissock@yahoo.com ]
Subject: Attn:Frank Parallel

On 1-17-11, John Mckissock – a new character – wrote:
Hello Dear,
I would like to make enquiry about the Order with Luke ,i am his associate and i would like you to understand that i would be taking care of the payment of his Order henceforth. So i need you to please verify the details below with the the cost of the items + the shipping so that we can get the ball rolling. Since i only have the total amount of $8,464.00 which includes all charges.

I need your confirmation of the order summary so that i can set the payment upfront with a credit card for you to get the order going and more over i would like to know the time frame in which you can get the order ready for shipping after processing the final payment.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thanks,
John Mckissock.
Sent from my Orange HTC Touch Pro2

On 1-17-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,

How do you do?

As I told Luke in the previous emails, the costs are as follows:

The material ($5694) and the freight ($2770) brings the total to $8,464.00. Then add the moron fee (see my most recent email to Luke) of $250. This makes the Grand Total $8714.00.

Please note that the moron fee was set into the equation because of Luke’s inability to understand the most basic instructions. If you can verify that you are NOT a moron, I can remove that fee and just charge you $8464.

In your response email, please copy and paste the following:

“I am not a moron. I am at very least 8 times smarter than Luke. I dress myself in the morning and I have at least a 3rd grade reading level.”

If you fail to add this in the next email, just keep the total as $8714.00

In regards to the lead time, the material is ready right now for shipping. All I need is the go-ahead and payment information.

Thank you.

Frank Parallel

PS. My phone is also orange. I painted it for Halloween.

PSS. I was really hoping to get that letter of recommendation from Luke, but since I have learned – and you have confirmed - that he certifiably stupid, I am not counting on it. In fact at this point getting that kind of letter from him would probably do more harm than good. If you, on the other hand, could copy and send it to me, I would greatly appreciate it. I may even go so far as to make it worth your while. I could include one of my famous hand-drawn pictures of Dom Deluise riding on an alpaca. This might not make sense to you right now, but if you saw it, I’m sure you would love it.

Frank

On 1-24-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,

You’re going to have to complete this order soon before I am forced to add a late fee ($50 for the first week and then $10 per day after that.).

Please let me know when I can expect payment.

Thank you.

Frank

On 1-25-11, John McKissock wrote:
OOO C'MON MAN WHAT ARE YOU? A 4 YR OLD BOI ? U F***IN RETARDED!!

The Death of The Countess Fandango

...a minor character perhaps, but a pivotal one

-----Original Message-----
From: Mr. Usman Gue [mailto: mr_usman7@att.net]
Sent: Thursday, January 06, 2011 2:09 PM
Subject: As salam alaikum.

On 1-6-11, Usman Gue wrote:
As salam alaikum,

For your kind attention this message might reach you in utmost surprise,
however, I will be very glad if you do assist me to relocate a sum of
(US$6,200,000.00 Million Dollars) into your personal bank account for the
benefit of both of us.

This is a genuine business transaction, only I cannot operate it alone
without using a Foreigner as required in my bank law, therefore I am
contacting you to stand before my bank as the beneficiary next of kin of
this fund, that is my reason of contacting you in this manner to assist me
actualize this better opportunity, and also to share the benefit together
with me.

You will be entitled to have 30% of this fund as a foreign partner, since
you will provide a bank account where this money will be transferred to,
while 70% will be for me, by indicating your interest on assurance of trust,
I will send you the full details and how this business will be executed.

Please keep this proposal as a top secret between the both of us and delete
it immediately in your email box if you are not interested for the business.

I will be looking forward for your urgent response mrusman-a@in.com

Regards, in sincerity,
Mr Usman Gue

My private contact number: +22678342949.
Bookmark

On 1-6-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Usman Glue,

You have caught me at a most opportune moment. As it turns out I happen to be in need on $2,000,000 and, while normally suspicious of an offer such as yours, I am intrigued by both your bluntness and by your remarkable use of faux run-on sentences.

Please let me know the next step in this arrangement.

I am your humble servant.

Frock Stimple
Marketer Extraordinaire
Vladdio Lesions, Ltd.

On 1-7-11, Usman Gue wrote:
Subject: Peace be upon you,More clarification to this transaction

Peace be upon you,
My dear, how are you together with your family? I hope all is in a good health, Thank you for your kindly respond over my business proposal, I am very happy that you have received my proposal in a good faith as I expected, First and foremost, I am Mr, Usman A.Gue, from Burkina Faso in West Africa, the Audit and Account Manager Group bank of Africa (BOA) Ouagadougou Burkina Faso, Home address: Avenue Houari Boumedienne, Immeuble YAM 02 BP 5758 Ouagadougou 02- BF. Mobile Phone number, 0022679097288

I want you to bear in mind that this transaction business is not a childish game play, I choose you in this business because the claim of this fund must required a foreigner, Also I would like to let you know that you will be required to apply in my bank for the release and transfer of this fund into your account as the beneficiary next of kin to our deceased customer a Jordan nationality, as a matter of fact all I need is your maximum cooperation as well to provide a valid bank account where this money will be transfer to , the said fund is an abandoned fund belonging to our deceased foreign customer who was a victim of (Beirut Bound Charter) Jet Plane crash that happened on the 26th December 2003 in Cotonou (Republic of Benin), and he died along with his family.

I was opportune to see the deceased depositing file bearing this huge amount of money in my bank when I was inspecting the data’s and customer’s account files in other to sign and submit to the entire bank management for an official validation / re-documentation against the statement approval to the account holders in my bank for the year, In a swift investigation carried out by me, I found out that none of the deceased relative have come to claim this abandoned funds, of which if the fund continue remains as unclaimed fund my bank management will transfer the money into the treasure bank account as unclaimed fund.

In this, I want you to know that this money belongs to a foreign deceased customer, and it is only a foreigner that can have the full right to apply for the releasing of this fund in my bank, I am a banker here and I knew all the laws guiding my bank, I have gone through the deceased account file which is in my bank and find out that the deceased customer did not indicate any next of kin before my bank, for that reason all you need is to work with my guidelines so that we can achieve this better opportunity.

I can assure you that there is no involvement of risk in this transaction business hence you will follow my directions, we have 100% chance to claim this money into any bank account that you will provide to my bank, for assisting me to get this fund transferred into your bank account, the ratio of 30% of the total sum is for your share whereas 70% is for me as business pioneer, So do not exercise any atom of fear, and you have to maintain the most confidentiality of this transaction until the fund gets into your account and once the transfer is done, I will resign from my work and plan ahead of getting your country for the sharing of the fund accordingly.

Therefore I need your urgent response to these details on assurance of trust that you will not deny me my share once the fund is credited to your personal bank account, please if you are really sure of your integrity, trustworthy, and confidentiality, reply back to me immediately, also to prove your integrity sincerity of purpose, please, include your particulars as I required below.

As soon as I receive all this information from you, I will draft an application letter of claim and send to you for which you will use and apply in my bank for the immediate process of this transaction with my bank.

(1) Your Full names:
(2) Private phone number:
(3) Current residential address:
(4) International passport copy or ID card:
(5) Age and Sex:
(6) Occupation:
(7) Country of origin:

I will be looking forward to hear from you as soon as possible.

Best regards,
Mr, Usman A.Gue.
My private contact number: 0022679097288.

On 1-8-11, Vladdio wrote:
All Hail Discordia!

Dear Usman,

I hope things are well with you and your family in this new year and together – with God’s help – we both can take advantage of the violent death of a stranger to profit both physically and ethically. I am already learning much from you. For example, I didn’t realize that to you I am a foreigner. Where I live, in the United States of America, I always considered other people to be foreigners. And foreigners to me were ugly, dirty, smelly, mal-formed heathens with no moral values and no dental hygiene. Imagine now how I feel to count myself among them. I’m beginning to like it. (I’m even now entering my second day of neglecting my teeth.)

Usman, you have nothing to fear from me. You can count on, and trust me thoroughly. When the 6.2 million dollars is finally deposited into my new bank account, I will most certainly get 70% of it to you. I would be a low-life asshole and sleazy reprobate to take advantage of a new-found friend such as you, just as I’m compromising my principles to swindle a dead man’s money. I’m just not that kind of guy.

I guess the first step is getting the following information to you.

(1) Your Full names: I only have one name (I hope this isn’t a problem). That is Frocketty Calhoun Butterboy Stimple (But you can call me Frock!)
(2) Private phone number: I’d prefer at this time to keep this a secret. I’m immersed in a pizza delivery scandal and things could get ugly fast. Please be patient.
(3) Current residential address: 12 Ringworm Terrace, Parasite, TX 77216
(4) International passport copy or ID card: I never got around to getting one. I could if you insist but I usually just stow away when I travel overseas… less complicated… and cheaper.
(5) Age and Sex: 39 years old and I am a man (M)
(6) Occupation: Ombudsman for a Cheese Factory
(7) Country of origin: The United States of America

One last thing. I would like to call you to talk to you via telephone but I notice that your phone number (0022679097288) has no dashes between any of the digits. I suffer from a rare and painful webbed-finger disease and cannot dial phone numbers without pausing. Can you add a few strategic dashes to allow me to dial at a more leisurely rate. I would appreciate it.

Thank you for including me in your master plan. I know we can pull it off.

Your pal and co-conspirator,

Frock

On 1-8-11, Usman Gue wrote:
Subject: Peace be upon you,Can you handle this transaction?

Peace be upon you,
My dear brother thank you once again for your kindly respond, how are you and your family i hope fine, i have seen your personal information provided and i can see that you are matured enough to handle this transaction with me, my brother i am a real Muslim woman of 43 years old, and a God fearing man that depend on God, and my monthly salary from my work, i am married with 4 lovely children, but unfortunate my wife die since 8 years now, which i be came a widow, but since the death of my wife God have be merciful to me and my children, this is my 14 years working experience in the bank of Africa Ouagadougou Burkina Faso west Africa.

My dear brother i want you to understand that i can not introduce you to a transaction that will reverse back against me due to my reputation in my country and my work and the safety of my lovely 4 children, so i want you to feel free on anything concerned this operation and give me the better cooperation also you can call me on my personal phone number 0022678349249, so that we can be able to move ahead for this transaction, i want you to know that there is no involvement of risk in this transaction at all. What you need is to follow my guidelines until this fund will be transferred into your personal bank account, i know and i am optimistic that this transaction will uplift our financial status and bring good change into our life, Please you should maintain the most confidentiality of this transaction until the fund gets into your account, this business is a great opportunity and will need determination and great arrangement to succeed.

The arrangement which has already been made is my underground responsibility in the bank seeing that the whole process to be taken to achieve your approval and for the smooth transfer of this fund to your desired account is made without any conceivable hitch, So as it stands and to make this transaction a success, we should avoid delay and move ahead, in other words, what matters is for the both of us to use one mind and cooperate together to achieved this fund transfer into your personal bank account, actually i would like to let you know that i have laid a good trust in you with believed that you are not going to change your mind in other to betray me when once this money goes under your custody, at the same time before going into more details about this transaction.

I would like to know if you are capable of handling this transaction with me because there would be a little expense on the process of this transaction, as you can see this transaction worth millions of united state dollars, and it required a strong capable hand to handle it, this is an a better opportunity which is going to change our life and lift up our financial status as well, i will not like to make a childish game play with this transaction, so kindly reply back and indicate your full interest in this transaction, if you are really capable to handle it with me, before i will direct you to our bank management with the modalities which we are going to follow in other to achieve this fund successfully, so kindly reply back to me if you are capable of doing this transaction with me and with assurance of trust, i will be looking forward to hear from you as soon as possible.

My best regards,
Mr. Usman A. Gue.

On 1-8-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I am very impressed with your most recent email and I believe higher powers are at work here in bringing us together for this task.

Let me first say that I grieve with you over the death of your wife. I know how badly that can make most people feel. My own wife died a couple of days ago and a lot of people around here are pretty upset over it. I’m keeping my own emotions in check until after our dog-racing season is officially over (in about 2 weeks). At that time I’ll probably feel the full brunt of her loss, although duck-hunting season starts soon and that too occupies much of my time and attention. My own 8 or 9 children (I tend to lose count) are – like yours – lovely. They are sad, of course, but still lovely.

Please note that I wish to move ahead with your offer as rapidly as possible. Tell me what is the next step.

Frock

PS. How did your wife die? My most recent wife died in dog race. My third wife died in a duck hunting accident.

On 1-8-11, Usman Gue wrote:
[mailto: mrusman-a@one.co.il]
Subject: Peace be upon you,Copy the below official application letter of claim and send to my bank.
Peace be upon you,
My dear brother how are you and your family once again and i am so happy of our understanding and i pray that God will help us to finalize this transaction before Monday next week if you could apply immediately to my bank with this official letter of claim that i have drafted for you and send to my bank management with out further delay because with God all things are possible, which i appreciate every of your good effort so far.
My dear brother i will also advice you to keep this transaction very secret from who ever around you because this is a claim you are making and it need absolute secret from who ever around you, because we are talking about a transaction worth millions of united state dollars ($6.2 million) in which it hasn’t to be secret in between the both of us.
My dear brother you should copy the application letter of claim which is below as per our telephone discussion and send it to my bank immediately, please try and send it through the bank email address information@boabkbf.org Call me as soon as you send it to enable me monitor the application in the bank and please try and keep the trust i have in you also let this transaction remain secret in between the both of us and do not think of how you will betray me when once this fund goes under your custody as i contacted you for the benefit of both of us and i believe that this transaction will bring a very good relationship to our both life and families in future.
Make sure that you always update me of your communication with my bank immediately you apply for this claim so that i will be guiding you on what to do in other not to make any mistake until we have this fund transferred in your personal account’s, please your maximum cooperation is all i need because we are talking of a transaction that involves millions of united state dollars, bellow is the official application letter for claim and you should copy it and send to our bank immediately and get back to me as soon as you send the application to our bank. i will be counting on you and my greetings to your family.
My best regards
Mr. Usman A.Gue.
______________________________________________________
OFFICIAL LETTER OF CLAIM

To Dr. Alpha Henson

The Foreign Remittance Director,

Group bank of Africa (BOA) Ouagadougou Burkina Faso West Africa

E-mail: information@boabkbf.org

Tele: 0022670017628.

WEB SITE: www.boaburkinafaso

Sir,
I am applying as the apparent next-of-kin to (late Mr. Salim Hussein Kambal Shunduk) who died on a plane crash in Benin . With his wife on 26th December 2003 He is holding the following information as the details of his bank account with your bank.

Account Number: 504016550001.

Account Name: Salim Hussein Kambal Shunduk.

I discovered from his filed documents that he had an unclaimed and balance account of Six million two hundred thousand United States Dollars (US$6.2M) deposited in your bank when he was alive.

As the extended relative/next of kin who is entitled to claim his balance, hereby wish to bring to your notice that I am applying for your bank management to release and transfer the balance account mentioned above into my bank account on due formalities and without delay. Let it be known to you as recorded in his file with your bank that deposited on the reason of expanding his business enterprise to Africa before the sudden death took him and his family away.

Upon the receipt of your positive response to this Claim’s request, I will send you my bank account details as well as you may require other data for the process and transfer of the funds. Hope my request will be granted by your management and further issue me the related forms and documents necessary for this claim.

I humbly apologies for this late request due to my commitments here and there and I thank your bank security guidance of this fund.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Frock.

On 1-9-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I am preparing the email right now and will send copy it to you.

I’m glad to finally get this action underway. As I told you before I am completely trustworthy. If you know of any other banks that you’d like me to help you swindle money out of, please let me know. Because for as honest and stalwart as I am with you, a complete stranger from a backwards country, I am always eager to compromise my principles and jeopardize my very soul when it comes to dealing with establishments such as banks and foreign governments.

I won’t be able to call you, as you requested, since my phone is out for some overdue tune-up service and polishing, but I will contact you via email.

Also please note that you signed my name on the bank letter as “Mr. Frock”. My name is not “Mr. Frock”. Frock is my first name. Stimple is my last name. I believe you may risk discovery of our swindle if you use the last name “Frock”. As every American knows from mandatory grade school criminology classes, Mortimer “Double-Dumper” Frock was notorious for cheating thousands of West African banks out of millions of dollars back in the 1950’s. The fact that I was named in honor of him could send up some red lights with the bank security. I’m willing to take that risk since I have already experienced American Bank Fraud Prisons (14 years) and have – to a certain degree – enjoyed it. However, I prefer not to at this time (right in the middle of dog race season) and using it as my LAST name could settle the suspicion. Let’s get it right, OK?

You never told me how your wife died.

How did she die?

Frock

On 1-9-11, Vladdio wrote to "the bank"… with a few alterations to the form letter (high-lighted in BLUE):
OFFICIAL LETTER OF CLAIM

To Dr. Alpha Henson

The Foreign Remittance Director,

Group bank of Africa (BOA) Ouagadougou Burkina Fatso West Africa

E-mail: information@boabkbf.org

Tele: 00226700176284.

WEB SITE: www.boaburkinafatso

Sir,
I am applying as the apparent next-of-kin to (late Mr. Salami Hussein Kambal Shunduk) who died in a horrible plane crash in Benin. When investigators arrived at the crash site, packs of wild dogs were feeding on the charred body parts. Screams filled the air and what should have been a fun time for the investigators and looters, became a distracting drudgery. And by the way, his wife survived the initial crash but was killed when she got hit by a golf ball by some of the boys who were waiting for the full team to arrive. This was on 26th December 2003 – a shitty day for it to happen since it was the day after Christmas. He is holding the following information as the details of his bank account with your bank.

Account Number: 5040165500014.

Account Name: Salami Hussein Kambal Shunduk.

I discovered from his filed documents that he had an unclaimed and balance account of Sixty million two hundred thousand United States Dollars (US$6.2M) and forty-five cents deposited in your bank when he was alive. This doesn’t even count how much money he had deposited there after he died.

As the extended relative/next of kin who is entitled to claim his balance, I hereby wish to bring to your notice that I am applying for your bank management to release and transfer the balance account mentioned above into my bank account on due formalities and without delay. I would also like to continue to receive any calendars, commemorative mugs, inscribed pen sets, tote bags, and lollipops that would have gone to him. Let it be known to you as recorded in his file with your bank that deposited on the reason of expanding his business enterprise to Africa before the sudden and brutal but otherwise hilarious death took him and his family away.

Upon the receipt of your positive response to this Claim’s request, I will send you my bank account details as well as urine samples and you may require other data for the process and transfer of the funds. Hope my request will be granted by your management, whom I understand are borderline imbeciles and further issue me the related forms and documents necessary for this claim.

I humbly apologies for this late request due to my commitments here and there and I thank your bank security guidance of this fund.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Stimple, GED.

On 1-10-11, "the bank" wrote back:

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

SIEGE SOCIAL: 770, AVENUE DU PRESIDENT ABOUBACAR SANGOULE LAMIZANA 01BP 1319 OUAGADOUGOU 01

TEL: 00226 70 01 76 28

FAX: 00226 50 34 36 41

EMAIL: boa-info-bf@mail.org

EMAIL: boabankofafrica@accountant.com

TELEX 504016550001EN CFA UEMOA (XOF)

WEB SITE: www.boaburkinafaso

DATE: 10/01/2011

(BOA) AUTOMATIC RESPOND /OFFICIAL ACKNOWLEDGMENT GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA

DEAR VALUE CUSTOMER.

THANK YOU FOR CONTACTING US. WE'RE RESPONSE TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOUR APPLICATION HAS ARRIVED TO THE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA) OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA SAFELY, THE AUTHORITY WILL RESPOND TO YOUR REQUEST AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

THE VOLUME OF YOUR REQUEST WE RECEIVED PREVENTS US FROM SENDING YOU AN IMMEDIATE HUMAN-GENERATED RESPONSE, BUT WE VALUE YOUR INPUT AND WE WILL ADDRESS YOUR CONCERNS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

MANAGEMENT BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)
================================================================================================================
Warning:
This e-mail and any attached files may contain privileged or confidential information. If you are not the intended addressee, you must not disclose, reproduce, copy, distribute, disseminate, use this communication or take any action in reliance thereon. Communication of any information in this e-mail to any unauthorized person may constitute an offence under the official secrets act (cap 213) please notify the sender immediately if you receive this by error.

MANAGEMENT GROUP BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

On 1-10-11, Usman Gue wrote:
Peace be upon you,
My dear brother regards to your forwarded message this evening about your submitting of the official application letter of claim to my bank management, my brother please you have to be very serious over this transaction and now that you have apply to my bank management, they may try you by sending you some other proposal of claim with another names of people and different amount of money to see if you will respond or not and attached is my passport.

What i mean is that my bank monitoring department may contact you through deferent means of email address with another names of proposal, so any other proposal you received from somebody with another name or different amount of money asking you to do any kind of transaction with him or her, please dont reply to the person just forward the message to me.

You can only reply to my message and the bank message which is written with the bank email address, i hope you understand me my brother because this is a better opportunity to us, as a matter of fact i can assure you that we stand a better chance to achieve this opportunity without disrupting your reputation in an way in your country and my own country.

My dear brother before the end of this week the total ($6.2 USD) million dollars will be transfer into your personal bank account number, because it is God that sent this great opportunity to the both of us and it will bring a good change into our both families, which our might God will help us finalize this transaction in good faith. Please your maximum cooperation is highly needed to achieve this goal, so all you have to do is to be checking your email box, always to know when my bank will answer your request regards to your application letter be submitted to their management.

My dear brother please make sure that you will be forwarding every message you will receive from my bank to me so that i will be guiding you on what you will be doing in other not to make any mistake while dealing with my bank, i will be hoping to hear from you as soon as you receive any mail from my bank and have a nice sleep.

My best regards,
Your Brother Mr, Usman A.Gue.

On 1-11-11, "the bank" wrote:

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

SIEGE SOCIAL: 770, AVENUE DU PRESIDENT ABOUBACAR SANGOULE LAMIZANA 01BP 1319 OUAGADOUGOU 01

TEL: 00226 70 01 76 28

FAX: 00226 50 34 36 41

E- MAIL: information@boabkbf.org

E-MAIL: boa-info-bf@mail.org

E-MAIL: boabankofafrica@accountant.com

TELEX 504016550001EN CFA UEMOA (XOF)

WEB SITE: www.boaburkinafaso

DATE: 11/01/2011

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA TRANSFER NOTIFICATION (BOA)

ATTENTION: MR. STIMPLE GED.

WE THE BOARD AND MANAGEMENT BANK OF AFRICA BURKINA FASO HEREBY TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE IN RECEIPT OF THE OFFICIAL APPLICATION LETTER OF CLAIM BEEN SUBMITTED TO OUR BANK DATED SUN, JAN 9, 2011 AT 2:32 PM.
THE APPLICATION FORM HAS BEEN FORWARDED TO THE APPROPRIATE BODIES OF CENTRAL BANK OF BURKINA FASO AND WE FINALLY ADVISED TO PROCEED ON HOW YOUR FUND SHOULD BE TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT HESITATING.

BE INFORMED THAT THIS NOBLE BANK MANAGEMENT HAS AN URGENT MEETING CONCERNING THE RELEASE AND APPROVAL OF YOUR INHERITANCE FUND CLAIM TODAY WITH THE CENTRAL BANK OF OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO FOR THE IMMEDIATE APPROVAL OF YOUR INHERITANCE FUND’S OF ($6.2 MILLION USD)

IN FINDINGS TO OUR FINAL MEETING TODAY BEING 11TH JANUARY 2011 WITH CONJUNCTION TO THE DECREED BY THE CENTRAL BANK GOVERNOR. IN-WHICH WE ARE INSTRUCTED TO INFORM YOU THAT BEFORE YOUR INHERITANCE FUND CLAIM COULD BE APPROVED FOR IMMEDIATE TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT WHICH WILL BE FILL IN THIS BOA FUND CLAIM DOCUMENT TOGETHER WITH BOA CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP DOCUMENT AS INDICATED ABOVE WITH THE LAW GUIDING THESE NOBLE BANK.

AUTHENTICATION PROCESS HAS DECIDED THAT YOU SHOULD COME DOWN IN PERSON TO OUR BANK MANAGEMENT AND SIGNS THE FINAL REMITTANCE WITH OFFICIAL DUTY STAMP FROM THE FEDERAL MINISTRY OF JUSTICE TO LEGALIZE THE PREVIOUS DOCUMENTS HENCE THE DEPOSITOR DOCUMENTS ARE EXPIRED WITHOUT RECOGNITION BY THE PROCURER OF THE FEDERATION CHIEF JUSTICE OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA.

THEREFORE, THE AREA YOU ARE NOT IN POSITION TO COME DOWN HERE IN PERSON TO BURKINA FASO WEST AFRICA FOR THE MOMENT YOU CAN AS WELL CONTACT THIS NOBLE BANK OFFICIAL RESIDENTIAL ACCREDITED ATTORNEY LAWYER TO PERFORM ON YOUR BEHALF AND OBTAIN THE REQUIRED STAMP DUTY WITH ALL THE LEGAL DUTIES ON YOUR BEHALF FOR THE PROCUREMENT AND SUBMIT OUR REQUIREMENTS AS WELL SIGN YOUR INHERITANCE FUND FINAL RELEASE ORDER IS GRANTEE TO YOUR REFERENCE WHICH THE APPROVAL OF THIS REQUEST IS TO ENABLE US EXECUTE OUR BANKING DUTIES EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY TO CUSTOMERS DELIGHT. YOU HAVE BEEN PERMITTED WITH FULL LEGAL AUTHORITY TO CONTACT.

HONORABLE BARRISTER VIESSRS OMAR & CO CHAMBERS.

CONTACT E-MAIL ADDRESS: viessrschambers@boabkbf.org & viessrs_chambers@lawyer.com

PRIVATE-EMAIL ADDRESS: viessrs_ultimate_chambers_boa@yahoo.ca

ADDRESS: ADD 133.03 SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO

TEL FAX: + 226 50304162

TELEPHONE: +22674291108.

KINDLY ACCEPT OUR SYMPATHY OVER THE SUDDEN DEATH OF OUR LATE DECEASE CUSTOMER MR. SALAMI HUSSEIN KAMBAL SHUNDUK.

THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

DR. ALPHA HENSON,

DIRECTOR GENERAL IN-CHARGE FOREIGN REMITTANCE

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)
=========================================================================================================================
Warning:
This e-mail and any attached files may contain privileged or confidential information. if you are not the intended addressee, you must not disclose, reproduce, copy, distribute, disseminate, use this communication or take any action in reliance thereon. Communication of any information in this e-mail to any unauthorized person may constitute an offence under the official secrets act (cap 213). Please notify the sender immediately if you receive this by error.

MANAGEMENT GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

(They included 2 bogus and mostly uninteresting attachments here)

On 1-11-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I was thinking how lucky I am to have you watching over my situation. However I have some serious suspicions. And unless you write to me directly I will most certainly think you are not who you say you are.

I have been quite aware that in all of our email correspondence you have never once addressed me by my name. Why is that? My name is Frock. Say it!

Also I have repeatedly asked about your wife, and each time you have ignored my question. Why? Was there ever really a wife? What was her name? And how did she die?

If you are a bank investigator, as I suspect, I will end this conversation right away. I will not be trapped into another crime.

You have said that you attached your passport, but where is it? I haven’t seen this mystery passport.

You tell me to be serious but it is my neck that is put at risk.

You hint at disrupting my reputation here in the United States, but only a bank investigator or a G-Man would know that my reputation is tarnished. How did you know about my second wife, The Countess Fandango, who died in a tragic barbeque accident?

Make this easy, Mr. Glue. Call me by my name. Tell me how your wife died. And as a courtesy, offer me 40% - not 30% - of the take.

Do it now. And offend me no more.

I await your response.

Frock Stimple

On 1-12-11, Mr. Usman Gue wrote:

Subject: Good morning my dear Frock how are you today I hope fine.

Peace be upon you,

Good morning my dear Frock how are you today I hope fine, my dear Frock I am so sorry for this our business transaction over my late reply today because of a board of directors meetings going on the bank today, my dear Frock you why I don’t answer your question regards to the death of my dear lovely wife Oluchi because her death was a surprise to me and it was a car accident that my lovely wife Oluchi had and remembering her death always course sickness to me so I don’t like bringing her memory back on me.

My dear Frock I am a real Muslim man with God fearing and I am whom I claim to be Mr. Usman A.Gue and I am not a bank monitoring or investigation term okay I am a real person with policy in what ever I am doing I always like been honest to my fellow woman beings so stop suspecting okay we are both in this deal till the end of the success of the transfer into your nominated bank account number which you will present to the bank for the immediate transfer.

My dear Frock I am not greedy so I will off you the 40 % because I don’t want money to bring a kind of misunderstanding to us because of my religion okay,

My dear Frock I have still attached again my international passport for your reference, also have you any further details about your application form which you sent to my bank? I hope to hear from you on what is going in between you and my bank.

My dear Frock please don’t be afraid of me I am what I am and I have come to you with open and sincerely mid for us to achieve this transaction successfully into any of your bank account you will present to my bank.

My best regards,

Your Brother Mr. Usman A.Gue.

On 1-13-11 Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

Thank you for a most personalized response to my email. Now I truly believe you are who you say you are.

I am so sorry about bringing up memories of your dead wife. I know how hard that can be. My fourth wife also died in an automobile accident. Actually it was a race car. I lost quite a bit of money on that race, as well as a really beautiful car. But like you, I too relive the memories of that crash. I still visualize the screeching of the wheels, the crunch and ripping of twisted metal, the screaming and shattering glass. My lovely (up until then) Flotilla thrown threw the windshield, joints bent against the way God intended. Blood smeared on the dashboard, the hood, the street (it was a street race). But still I opted for an open casket funeral. I had friend who wagered I wouldn’t do it. I did. Picked up a few bucks on that too. C’est la vie! Eh?

So thank you also for raising my cut to 40% from 30%. The extra $620,000 this converts to means a lot to me. I was thinking about using it to create a memorial to both of our dead wives. But then I thought, Don’t be stupid, Frock. They’re DEAD. They don’t care. Get that boat you’ve been wanting.

Also thank you for sending the copy of your passport to me. Many people with your kind of skin disease and facial disfigurement would hesitate to put their photo in an email fearing certain ridicule. It’s good to see you’re above that. Though it does make me wonder what your dead wife must have looked like, to marry someone like you.

Anyway. I’m still waiting for word from the bank regarding my application. If you have any way to hasten that along, I’d appreciate it.

Thanks.

Frock

On 1-13-11, ,Vladdio wrote:
Hey. I almost forgot to send these forms back to you guys.

They are attached. I hope this information is all that you need.

Frock Stimple
(Millionaire!)

(I sent back their 2 attachments.)

On 1-17-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I sent the applications to the bank as per your instructions. I expect to hear from them any day now.

But I got to thinking about all of that money and I think I came up with a good about how to use some of it. And I was wondering if you’d be interested in investing in it with me.

I decided to start a new business which I’m calling “What’s up, Frock?” It’s a little hard to describe but let me just say that it’s kind of like a combination of a Safari Tour and a scavenger hunt and a bungee jump/ mud-wrestling traveling exhibition with a little begging and pick-pocketing. It would all be filmed and then animated and sold as a smart phone app. It’s obviously like a reality/contest show except in this case the contestants would have to pay to participate and nobody would get to win, ever. In fact they would all have to agree that they would each have to continue to pay the monthly post-entrance fee for 6 years after signing up. We could make the fee fairly easy for them for the first 2 or 3 years – say, $50 per month – and then increase it after that. If they refused to pay, we could either put a lien on their homes or we could send “scouts” to pick them up and have them “participate” in another contest in which they would have leeches or something (I’m brain-storming here) attached to their bodies.

What do you think? Do you think I’m on to something good? I’m still working out the details. My friend, Rocco the Bruiser, is very excited about it.

If you’re interested in this, you’d need to buy in for about $350,000. I see your return on this to be about 2% (less my fees).

Think it over. There’s plenty of time.

Frock

On 1-18-11, Usman Gue wrote:

Peace be upon you,

Good evening my brother and how are you I hope fine, my dear I am writing to know how far have you goes with my bank all this while please kindly write an email to my bank to know the situation of things regards to our transaction if is effected to your account okay, I hope to hear from you soon.

My best regards,

Your brother Mr. Usman A.Gue.

On 1-19-11, Vladdio wrote to "the bank":
Dearest Groupie Bank of African Boas (who knew snakes could have their own banks!),

I’m writing to you for an update of my claim application which I sent to you 6 days ago. My financial advisor and personal trainer, Mr. Assman A-hole Gooey (not his real name and who DOES NOT WORK AT YOUR BANK!!) suggested that I try to find out what the hell is holding things up.

Please get back to me ASAP with a status. I’m about to close another deal on another vacation home and I need that 62 million dollars.

Frock Stimple
(Delayed Millionaire through no fault of my own)

On 1-21-11, "the bank" wrote:

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

SIEGE SOCIAL: 770, AVENUE DU PRESIDENT ABOUBACAR SANGOULE LAMIZANA 01BP 1319 OUAGADOUGOU 01

TEL: 00226 70 01 76 28

FAX: 00226 50 34 36 41

E- MAIL: information@boabkbf.org

E-MAIL: boa-info-bf@mail.org

E-MAIL: boabankofafrica@accountant.com

TELEX 504016550001EN CFA UEMOA (XOF)

WEB SITE: www.boaburkinafaso

DATE: 21/01/2011

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA TRANSFER NOTIFICATION (BOA)

ATTENTION: MR. STIMPLE GED.

WE THE BOARD AND MANAGEMENT BANK OF AFRICA HEREBY TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE IN RECEIPT OF MESSAGE WHICH YOU HAVE ALREADY ADVICE TO CONTACT WITH THE BANK OF AFRICA LEGAL FOREIGN REPRESENTATIVE ATTORNEY WHICH HIS CONTACT ADDRESS ARE BELOW TO STAND HERE ON YOUR BEHALF SINCE YOU ARE NOT HERE IN PERSON AND PROVIDE YOUR BACK UP DOCUMENTS SIGN YOUR TRANSFER.

HONORABLE BARRISTER VIESSRS OMAR & CO CHAMBERS.

CONTACT E-MAIL ADDRESS: viessrschambers@boabkbf.org & viessrs_chambers@lawyer.com

PRIVATE-EMAIL ADDRESS: viessrs_ultimate_chambers_boa@yahoo.ca

ADDRESS: ADD 133.03 SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO

TEL FAX: + 226 50304162

TELEPHONE: +22674291108.

KINDLY ACCEPT OUR SYMPATHY OVER THE SUDDEN DEATH OF OUR LATE DECEASE CUSTOMER MR. SALAMI HUSSEIN KAMBAL SHUNDUK. (This is so cool. They started calling him "Salami" too.)

THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

DR. ALPHA HENSON,

DIRECTOR GENERAL IN-CHARGE FOREIGN REMITTANCE

GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)
=========================================================================================================================
Warning:
This e-mail and any attached files may contain privileged or confidential information. if you are not the intended addressee, you must not disclose, reproduce, copy, distribute, disseminate, use this communication or take any action in reliance thereon. Communication of any information in this e-mail to any unauthorized person may constitute an offence under the official secrets act (cap 213). Please notify the sender immediately if you receive this by error.

MANAGEMENT GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

On 1-21-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

Great News!!!

I received this email from the bank today. They actually believe that I am next of kin to this dead guy! Amazing!!

And get this! The guy in charge of this thing, his name is Dr. Alpha Henson! Is that funny or what?

So what do I do next, Mr. Glue? I think the paperwork is complete, and I guess the money will be transferred to my new account. So when do I get my $2.48 Million (!!!) Dollars? I gotta tell you, I’m excited!

I’m thinking about chartering a jet to come over to see you. We can drink a toast to a beautiful partnership. I had been thinking of bringing along my new wife (I recently married – 8th time), but she’s been feeling ill lately. (Might have been something I injected her with while she slept.)

Anyway, let me know the next step. By the way, can you let me know my account number? And don’t worry about me. I won’t withdraw it all and transfer it to an account I have in the Cayman Islands. You’ll get you share. I promise.

Your buddy,

Frock

On 1-22-11, Mr. Usman Gue wrote:

Subject: Re: FW: GROUPE BANK OF AFRICA TRANSFER NOTIFICATION (BOA)

Peace be upon you,

Good day my dear brother how are you and your family i hope fine, my dear brother please kindly get in contact with the bank lawyer regards to the message sent to you by the bank regards to the required certificates for the transfer and with out that certificates there is no way the total fund will be transfer to your account number, i hope to hear from you soon.

My best regards,

Mr. Usman A.Gue.

On 1-23-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I didn’t know I was supposed to get in contact with any bank lawyers. I thought everything was in place and I was ready to start spending my money.

Geez! This is starting to get complicated. But OK, I’ll do what you say. You’ve been fair and honest with me and since I’m about to become very rich, I’ll contact the lawyers.

I hope all of my previous arrests and prison sentences don’t screw things up for either of us. Because, in truth, most of my arrests have been for violent crimes and not white collar stuff. And since this money scam we’re now involved in should not get violent (Do you think it will?), they should be able to overlook the relatively few incidences of embezzlement, extortion, money laundering, blackmail, and bribery charges and the indictments and arrests and time served. Don’t you think? But hey, if there is any chance that violence does become necessary, or even likely, don’t pull back on my account. I’m no stranger to scars. And by the looks of your passport photo, neither are you. Am I right?

And just in case we do need to use a little special persuasion, I hope you’re keeping records of the addresses and phone numbers of the bank staff. Just in case.

Peace be upon you too, my brother!

Frock

On 1-23-11, Vladdio wrote to "the bank’s" lawyers:
Dear Lawyers,

Thank you for your most kind and sympathetic comment in your last email.

I have been mourning the death of my late Uncle Salami for (Lo!) these past 7 years. He was surely a great man, a loving husband, and a good gardener. It’s just such a shame he was such a lousy airplane pilot. Well, his loss is my gain, eh!

I need to now know how I’ll be going about the final (AND I MEAN THE VERY LAST) bit of paperwork in order to secure the release of Uncle Salami’s money to me.

So to put it plainly: What’s next?

Frock

On 1-24-11, the lawyers wrote:

From: Viessrs Ultimate Chambers Omar Legal Practitioners Consultants [mailto: viessrs_ultimate_chambers_boa@yahoo.ca ]
Subject: VIESSRS & CO LEGAL REPRESENTATION AND POWER OF ATTORNEY.


SOLICITOR NOTARY & ADVOCATES OF SUPREME COURT OF JUSTICE
FINANCIAL ACCREDITED BANK ATTORNEYS / LEGAL PRACTITIONER
ADDRESS: ADD 133.03 SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO .
TELEPHONE---+22674291108 TEL FAX: -- + 226 50304162


OUR REF: HLC/XBK/2011
YOUR REF.......MTS...............


MONDAY JANUARY 24th 2011 19:57 PM. GMT

LEGAL REPRESENTATION

WITH DUE RESPECT MY DEAR CLIENT,

IN RESPECT OF YOUR REQUEST I AM HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGED YOUR CONSULTATION LETTER, AS WE HAVE CONFIRMED TO THE BANK OF AFRICA . AND MY CONFIRMATION ABOUT YOUR CASE THE AUTHORITIES OF THE BANK MADE ME TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE PROVED YOUR SELF BEYOND REASONABLE DOUBTS THE RIGHTFULLY BENEFICIARY OF THE FUND INHERITOR OF $6.2 MILLION DOLLARS.

IN MY DISCUSSIONS WITH THE EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR BANK OF AFRICA, ALSO WITH THE DIRECTOR FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT, THROUGH MY CONFIRMATION FROM THEIR COMPUTER RUNNING TELEX ROOM WHERE YOUR FUND WAS COMPUTERIZED I CONFIRMED YOUR INHERITANCE FUND HAS ALREADY BEEN COMPUTERIZED FOR TELEX WIRE TRANSFER TO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT AS THE INHERITOR.

UPON YOUR LEGAL REQUEST TO THIS CHAMBER I AM HEREBY TO NOTIFY YOU THAT I HAVE ACCEPTED TO GIVE YOU THE BEST OF OUR LEGAL SERVICES ON THE PROCUREMENT OF THE REQUESTED LEGAL DOCUMENTS FROM THE VARIOUS MINISTRIES AS WELL AS JUDICIARY BURKINA FASO .

ACCORDING TO THE DIRECTOR FOREIGN REMITTANCE BANK OF AFRICA THE BANK REQUIRED THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS FOR SUBMISSION. AS INDICATED BELOW FROM THE BANK FILE WITH THE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

(1) ANTI- TERRORIST CERTIFICATE. €2,650 EURO.
(2) MONEY LAUNDERING CERTIFICATE. €1,750 EURO.
(3). CERTIFICATE OF INHERITANCE. €1,320 EURO.
(4). DEATH CERTIFICATE. €640 EURO.

AS SOON AS THE REQUESTED LEGAL CERTIFICATES ARE ISSUED, I AM GOING TO MAKE AVAILABLE TO YOU COPIES OF THE CERTIFICATES FOR CONFIRMATION, WHILE THE ORIGINAL COPIES WILL BE PRESENT TO THE BANK OF AFRICA FOR THE FINAL SIGNING OF YOUR FUND RELEASE ORDER FOR IMMEDIATE EFFECTIVE WIRE TRANSFER INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT,

VIESSRS & CO CHAMBERS IS BASICALLY INVOLVED IN CORPORATE / INDIVIDUAL AND GOVERNMENTAL LEGAL SERVICES AND FOREIGN AFFAIRS FOR PERIOD SPANNING OVER (11) YEARS IN SERVICE. WE ARE VERY CONVERSANT WITH INTERNATIONAL LEGAL REPRESENTATIONAL / SIGNINGS FOR INDIVIDUALS, FIRMS AND GOVERNMENTAL BODIES.

I HAVE ATTACHED TO THIS MESSAGE OUR FIRM POWER OF ATTORNEY WHICH YOU WILL FILL SIGN AND RETURN WITH THE CHAMBER'S CONSULTATION /MOBILIZATION FEE AS DIRECTED IN MY CHAMBERS FORM FOR THE PROCUREMENT OF THE THREE LEGAL CERTIFICATES TO BACK UP YOUR CLAIM.

IN-WHICH, YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT SERVICE OF THIS NATURE REQUIRES LAWYERS CONSULTATIONS FEES/ PAYMENT OF SERVICE CHARGES TO THIS FIRM AND OTHER OFFICIAL FEES WHICH THIS FIRM MUST PAY ON YOUR BEHALF TO THE CONCERNED GOVERNMENT AGENCIES AND MINISTRY OF JUSTICE.

YOU ARE THEREFORE INSTRUCTING TO ABIDE WITH THE LAWS OF THIS CHAMBER BY SENDING THE CHAMBER CONSULTATION FEES AS INDICATED IN MY CHAMBERS MESSAGE WITH THE MONEY TO BE USE IN OPENING THE NEW ACCOUNT.

THIS TOTAL FEE OF €6,360 EURO HAVE TO BE TRANSFER THROUGH FAST MEANS TO AVOID DELAY IN-WHICH YOU HAVE TO SEND THE FEES BY WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER DIRECT TO OUR LAW FIRM CHAMBERS FINANCIAL SECRETARY RECEIVING NAME INFORMATION’S BELOW TO ENABLE US PERFORM ON YOUR RESPECT ON DUE TIME.

WESTERN UNION RECEIVING INFORMATION’S:

RECEIVERS FIRST NAME: ESTHER
RECEIVERS LAST NAME: OBIDIMMA
COUNTRY: BURKINA FASO
CITY: OUAGADOUGOU
ADDRESS: SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO
TELEPHONE: +22674291108.

MAKE SURE YOU SCAN TO THIS CHAMBER THE PAYMENT SLIP IMMEDIATELY THE TRANSFER IS AFFECTED FROM THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER TO ENABLE US CASH THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY AND PROCEED ON YOUR REQUEST.

YOURS FAITHFULLY
HON. BARRISTER VIESSRS OMAR ESQ,
LLB BA HONS
SENIOR ATTORNEY
LEGAL PRACTITIONER.

(Another attachment)


On 1-24-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

Ok. So here is what the lawyers sent me. I guess the main one’s name is VIESSRS OMAR ESQ. (It’s very strange and perhaps a little coincidental, but I’ve run into several lawyers here whose last names were also “Esq”. It makes me think there must be some sort of government bio-engineering project that creates lawyers named Esq. Weird, huh?)

If I read this correctly, I’ll need to send them money to cover this:

(1) ANTI- TERRORIST CERTIFICATE. €2,650 EURO.
(2) MONEY LAUNDERING CERTIFICATE. €1,750 EURO.
(3). CERTIFICATE OF INHERITANCE. €1,320 EURO.
(4). DEATH CERTIFICATE. €640 EURO.

This totals 6,360 Euros.

Then I printed out the Power of Attorney form and that should cost me 1,650 Euros.

So then that’s a total of 8,010 Euros.

I gotta tell you I was expecting to pay a whole lot more than this. Here in the USA this kind of legal service would cost as much as 60,000 US Dollars. And I was fully prepared to pay that much. (I have a little stash of cash hidden away for emergencies.) I think you might want to check this over from your end. I get the feeling they might have missed something or else they undercharged me. Once I get the ball rolling on this thing I don’t want to hear that mistakes were made and they need more money. I’d rather just pay for everything upfront right now. Are you absolutely certain that the price isn’t closer to $60,000?

So let me know.

I’m not going to answer these lawyers until I hear from you.

Thanks.

Frock

On 1-25-11, Mr. Usman Gue wrote:

Subject: Peace be upon you,

My dear Frock how are you and your family i hope fine, please we don’t need to delay at this very moment because our transaction is in success in which i will advice you to go ahead immediately and send the required amount of €6,350 euro with lawyer given name as per the lawyer message to you because immediately you send the fee he will proceed with out further delay, please I am counting on you and waiting to hear from you soon.

My best regards,

Mr, Usman A.Gue.

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr Glue,

Thank you for your good wishes for my family. Everyone is doing well except for my new wife. I fear she is near death. No, she is not sick. In fact she is as healthy as a thoroughbred. I just think she doesn’t have long for this world. I’m afraid she may be in line for an accident or something… it’s just a feeling I get…

I’ll need to convert my US dollars to Euros, and I’ll do that today. But I’m still puzzled about the Power of Attorney form (see below in the copied email) which is supposed to cost me 1,650 Euros. Should I send that to the lawyers also?

And would it be easier to send the cash as US dollars? I could just put it all in a shoe box marked “Pornography” (for safety) and ship it directly to them. I’d want a receipt though.

By the way, I recently found out that “Esq” stands for “Esquire” which is what many lawyers call themselves. (You’d have thought I would have known this since I’ve had so many encounters with them.) And apparently Esquire is Latin for “A Squirrel”. And Squirrels are symbolic of Kindness, Goodness, Fairness, and Honesty. Isn’t that a nice thought! I hope all of the banks lawyers are squirrelly.

Please get back to me immediately as I want to wrap this up today. I could overnight the box of cash if you think that would be a good idea.

Your friend (and - I fear - soon to be new widower),

Frock

On 1-26-11, Usman Gue wrote:

My dear Frock all you have to do is to fill in the power of attorney document and send the amount by western union money transfer that is exactly what the lawyer instruct you to do okay, please be fast in what ever you are doing to enable the lawyer obtain the 4 documents on your behalf and sign the transfer into your bank account okay, so please you can as well send the amount in USD. Dollars since is the equivalent to the amount okay there is no problem about that what matters is for you to use the correct address and send the money by the western union money transfer.

WESTERN UNION RECEIVING INFORMATION’S:

RECEIVERS FIRST NAME: ESTHER

RECEIVERS LAST NAME: OBIDIMMA

COUNTRY: BURKINA FASO

CITY: OUAGADOUGOU

ADDRESS: SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO

TELEPHONE: +22674291108.

My best regards,

Mr, Usman A.Gue.

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote to "the bank’s" lawyers:
Dear and Honorable Omar,

Attached you will find the signed Power of Attorney form you asked for.

I believe it is completed correctly but if it is not, let me know immediately.

Also, let me know when and where to send the 1650 Euros. AND most importantly, let me know if you will accept the exact same amount (1650) in US Dollars. I’ve been dealing with a total asshole regarding another matter where the amount is coincidentally 6360 Euros. I’ve only just learned that this idiot would accept $6,360 USD.

This is of the utmost importance. I must know immediately.

Thank you.

Frocketty Calhoun Butterboy Stimple

(Another attachment)

On 1-26-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I wish you had told me not to do the conversion a little earlier. I just returned from my bank and apparently you were wrong. 6360 Euros does not convert equally to $6,360 USD. In fact, it turns out to be $8,685.34 USD. So it could have cost me an extra $2,323.34.

Are you now telling me that I’m getting a $2,323.34 discount??? If this is so, I’m going to have to go back to my bank to change it back.

I’m now losing another day because of bad communication. This is not my fault.

Look, rather than go back to my bank, and be inconvenienced further, I think you should take responsibility for this and to make amends, offer me 45% instead of the 40% we had agreed upon. Then I can send this money out today. Let’s not putz around on this. Ok?

Meanwhile I’ll send the Power of Attorney form on to the Honorable Barristo Visors Omar, Esq.

Also, who is Easter Oboedimmer? And why is the money being sent to her?

Frock

On 1-27-11, "the bank" wrote:
VIESSRS & CO LEGAL REPRESENTATION AND POWER OF ATTORNEY.
SOLICITOR NOTARY & ADVOCATES OF SUPREME COURT OF JUSTICE
FINANCIAL ACCREDITED BANK ATTORNEYS / LEGAL PRACTITIONER
DDRESS: ADD 133.03 SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO
TELEPHONE-- -+22674291108 TEL FAX: -- + 226 50304162


OUR REF: HLC/XBK/2011
YOUR REF.......MTS...............


DATE: 27/01/2011

LEGAL REPRESENTATION

WITH DUE RESPECT MY DEAR CLIENT,

IN RESPECT OF YOUR REQUEST, I AM HEREBY TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU SHOULD USE THE BELOW WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER RECEIVING INFORMATION TO SEND THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY TO ENABLE US PROCEED FOR THE BANK REQUIREMENTS FOR YOUR IMMEDIATE TRANSFER RELEASE ORDER FOR YOUR INHERITANCE FUND OF $6.2 MILLION DOLLARS INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT WITH THE BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

FINALLY, MY DEAR CLIENT YOU CAN AS WELL SEND THE EXACT AMOUNT IN US DOLLARS THERE IS NO PROBLEM OVER THAT.

RECEIVERS FIRST NAME: ESTHER
RECEIVERS LAST NAME: OBIDIMMA
COUNTRY: BURKINA FASO
CITY: OUAGADOUGOU
ADDRESS: SECTEUR 13, OUAGADOUGOU 01 BURKINA FASO
TELEPHONE: +22674291108.

MAKE SURE YOU SCAN TO THIS CHAMBER THE WESTERN UNION PAYMENT SLIP IMMEDIATELY THE TRANSFER IS AFFECTED FROM THE WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER TO ENABLE US CASH THE MONEY IMMEDIATELY AND PROCEED ON YOUR BEHALF AND OBTAIN THE CERTIFICATES.

YOURS FAITHFULLY
HON. BARRISTER VIESSRS OMAR ESQ,
LLB BA HONS
SENIOR ATTORNEY
LEGAL PRACTITIONER.

On 1-27-11, Mr. Usman Gue wrote:
[mailto: mrusman-a@one.co.il]

Peace be upon you,
Good evening my dear Frock sorry for be late to your email and I am writing to tell you to do your best effort and send any amount with you and get the lawyer inform also regards to your question about who is Easter Oboedimmer? According to the lawyer message that THE FEES WILL BE SEND BY WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER DIRECT TO HIS LAW FIRM CHAMBERS FINANCIAL SECRETARY RECEIVING NAME INFORMATION’S (WHICH IS THE NAME IN QUESTION YOU ARE ASKING ME EASTER OBOEDIMMER) my dear Frock all you have to do is to do you best effort and send the amount with you at hand to the lawyer to enable him start the procurements of the three certificates with out further delaying.

My best regards,

Mr, Usman A.Gue.

On 2-1-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

Please forgive the delay in getting back to you. Much has happened since I last wrote to you or the Honorable Barristo Omar. And I honestly don’t know where to begin but let me try..

I just got married! Again! For the 9th Time! I’m very hopeful about this one. I really think this is going to last.

If you recall the last time I emailed you I was still married to my 8th wife, Porphyria…. I’ll make a long story short. Last Wednesday night, Porphyria was struck by a roller coaster but survived even though she had fallen about the equivalent of 10 floors. (She was looking for her lost wedding ring. I’d told her I thought I saw it on the tracks when we were riding up there very close to the top.) She landed in a marsh just below and – being a former gymnast - she stuck the landing! Unfortunately she drove both of her legs deep into the mud up to the hilt. She was stuck there and would have been ok except for when the tide came in. I stayed with her until the very end. I guess I should have gone for help. There was probably plenty of time as the tide was just going out when it happened. But I didn’t want her to be alone, so I waited the 5 hours until the water rose up and over her. I believe that’s the mark of a dedicated spouse. I mean I didn’t even go to the bathroom the whole time I waited for her to…. y’know.

So anyway I met my new wife on Saturday. Love at first sight. Yada yada yada.

But I’m back to the serious business of swindling a bank tomorrow. I’ll let you know exactly when I send the money out.

Frock

On 2-2-11, Mr. Usman Gue wrote:
[mailto:mrusman-a@one.co.il]
Subject: My dear Frock happy new marriage life and congratulation to you and your new wife.

My dear Frock happy new marriage life and congratulation to you and your new wife i hope she is okay and my best regards to her and i hope to hear soon from you immediately you finalize with the lawyer to enable him obtain the certificates on your behalf for the immediate release of our total fund.

My best regards,

Mr, Usman A.Gue.

On 2-2-11, Vladdio wrote:
Glue,

I’m not so sure I like what you are implying in your last email to me regarding my wife.

Of course she is “okay” as you put it. Why wouldn’t she be? Are you suggesting that my other 8 wives weren’t “okay”? I can assure you – as I have assured the police more times than I can remember – that I had nothing to do with the accidents that happen to have befallen on my previous wives.

I was just about to go down to the Western Union office when I received your email. You’ve disturbed me now. If we are to be partners in this inheritance scam, I need to know that you trust me and that you won’t be making any further suggestive remarks regarding my wife. Also she doesn’t need your “best regards”. I give her my best regards and she’s happy to have them.

You will apologize immediately.

Frock

On 2-2-11, Mr. Usman Gue wrote:
[Subject: Re: My dear Frock happy new marriage life and congratulation to you and your new wife.

Dear Frock sorry for sending my regards to your wife i never mean any harm i am sorry for that okay, it wont repeat it self again, also dear Frock if i don’t have a single trust on you over this transaction, i wouldn’t even in the first place contact you to do this business transaction with you okay, lastly i will take all the insult from you but not when you call this our business transaction a scam, that is what i will not admit it from you over such comment because i am 100% sure of this transaction okay, so stop using such writing to me, have a nice day.

Mr, Usman A.Gue.

On 2-2-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I accept your apology.

And while I would like to offer you a similar apology, I can’t think of any reason to. If you think that I’ve insulted you, well that’s just stupid, because I didn’t.

As far as calling this bank thing a scam, maybe you do have a small point about that. Scam is such an ugly word. I suppose we can just call it a swindle and leave it at that.

So I’m off then to the Western Union to wire the money. I’ll let you know when I get back.

Frock

PS. It’s really a shame you weren’t at my wedding. There was much dancing and drinking. And since it was such a spur of the moment thing, we didn’t have a chance to hire some appropriate entertainment. We wound up setting up a screen to project YouTube videos of dog races accidents, self-impalements, car crashes, duck-hunting accidents, amusement park accidents, electrocution, and farm equipment accidents. It was kind an impromptu homage to all of my previous wives. It was touching, shocking and funny all at the same time. I think you would have liked it.

On 2-5-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Glue,

I’m afraid I have some terrible news.

I was on my way to the Western Union yesterday when I was accosted by a man with a crossbow. I don’t think I’ll ever forget his face. He was hideous. He reminded me of you. He took all of my money even though I tried to explain to him that I was sending it to Burkino Fatso to make 45% (did we agree on this percentage yet?) of 6.2 million dollars USD. I tried to explain to him that if he could only hold off robbing me until I was a millionaire, he could then steal a whole lot more money. But I couldn’t convince him. He’s a young though thoroughly ugly guy, and as you know, the younger generation wants instant gratification. When I was his age I was patient enough to wait to rob a richer man. Makes sense, right? Same thing with arson, right? I mean it would be silly to set fire to a building under construction. It’s always best to wait until it’s complete. It’s even better if there are a lot of people inside… but I reminisce.

What all of this means though is that I’ll have to get the money in some other way.

Do you think I could send a down payment of – let’s say - $2000 USD right now, just to get started on some of the forms? I’ll have to go back to some of my street performing to raise money. (I do impersonations of itchy people.)

Let me know if this sounds like a good plan to you.

Frock.