The Ballad of Pancho and Carlos

...with a "Sven" thrown in. You can always count on a Sven.

-----Original Message-----
From: Lilian Wendy [mailto:info@euromill.com]
Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 7:19 AM
Subject: Your email has won 1,85O,OOO.OOeuros

On 1-19-10, Henry Yanez wrote:
Dear Winner,

Your email has won 1,85O,OOO.OOeuros in Euromillion International e-programme, held in Spain for the year 2009.

Contact Mr. Henry Yanez for claim with:

Ref: LSLCA/2031/8161/04
Batch: 14/011/IPD
Serial Number: 046560

email: yanex22@sify.com
Tel:+34-615-711-xxx

Regards,

Mrs. Lilian Wendy

On 1-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Henry Yanez,

Please let me know if I really did win this lotery.

Thanks.

Pancho Pastrami

On 1-25-10, Henry Yanez wrote:
SANTIAGO SECURITY COMPANY
Promotion Agents, Leasing, Commission Agents,
Sole Representatives and Security Services
AVD, MARIA ISOLA No: 2, 28006 MADRID SPAIN.
Te: +34-615-711-xxx& Fax: +34-911-881-xxx

Dear Pancho Pastrami,

Congratulations from our members of staff. This is the Santiago Security Company responsible for the processing of winning prizes in Euro million online e-mail lottery programs. Your e-mail address attached to Ticket Nr: C: 38 R: 9, Reference Ref: LSLCA/2031/8161/04 emerged to have won (1, 850,000.00 Euros. The information was passed to us by Euro million Online Co-coordinator – Sweepstakes International office, to ensure that we are in contact with the rightful owners of the winning e-mails and web-site addresses. We write to explain and clarify the mode and chronologies of the services we render to our clients of lottery claim related issues.
Firstly, our ultimate concern is that our clients get their winning prizes as quickly as it is possible. You are therefore required to fill in the required details in the "Payment Processing Form" and return back to this office by fax or as e-mail attachment with a copy of your valid proof of identification (which should be, either a National Identity Card or your International Passport) for verification. After been confirmed as the bonafide winner, a "Release Order" will be issued and "Beneficiary Award Certificate" will be presented to you.
Your winning prize being deposited at the Paying bank Treasury department. And, will therefore be eventually paid/remitted in your preferred mode of payment, within 3 working days. Due to mix-up of certain numbers and names, you are requested to keep your winning information confidential until your claim has been processed and winning prize paid/ remitted to your nominated account. This is part of our security protocols to avoid abuse of the program by some participants. Due to the volume of your winning prize, it is covered by HIGH INSURANCE BOND POLICY, in accordance with Article 342 of the World Gaming Board as amended in the 1996 Constitution.

This is to protect the prime winner and misappropriation of funds. Be assured that, in line with our principles of efficiency, transparency and customers’ satisfaction, we handle all verification exercises with the highest level of professionalism and discretion to ensure that our clients receive their prizes within the shortest time possible.

We are open between 0800hrs -1800hrs GMT from Mondays through Fridays and on Saturdays from 0700hrs -1200hrs GMT. Once again, Congratulations.

Best Regards,
Henry Yanez

On 1-25-10, Vladdio wrote:
I WON????

Oh my God! Please Mr. Yanez, tell me it's the truth. I'd absolutely kill myself if I found out this was some kind of cruel trick.

I got your attachements and I opened them and took a look at them but I don't have a printer. My old printer is no longer useable. (They never tell you that those things don't float.)

But I'm copying the form info to this email. That should work.

Name: Pancho Pastrami
Date of birth: 12-25-65
Occupation: Toaster Repairperson
Telephone: NO PHONE
Fax: NO FAX
Winning Amount: ALL OF IT!!
Address: 561 Cuspidor Lane
State : New Mexico
Country: United States of America
Zip: 87196
PAYMENT OPTIONS: (mark with X)
FOR YOU TO COME DOWN HERE �� NO. Not this one.
BANK DARFT TO SEND TO YOU �� This one!
Reference Number: ??? Am I supposed to know this?
Ticket Number: Or this?
NEXT OF KIN Or this?
Name: I already told you this stuff.
Occupation: I already told you this stuff.
Telephone: I already told you this stuff.
Fax: I already told you this stuff.
Address: I already told you this stuff.
City: I already told you this stuff.
State: I already told you this stuff.
Zip: I already told you this stuff.
DECLARATION
Mr/Miss/Mrs: Pancho Pastrami Hereby declare that I have nave received and payment on my behalf from Santiago Security Company S.L .Nor have any of my family members filed a claim on my behalf. I hereby authorise Santiago Security Company also agree to pay 5% of my winning to Santiago Security Company S.L. On receipt of this
money. Send with a copy of your id, send by mail attachment or fax. Do not post documents for Security reasons We assure a SAFE HARBOUR (Data Protection and Privacy Laws). The law would apply to all records, not just to computerized information; unauthorized release of personal information would be punished.
Date: 1-25-10 Claimant’s Signature: Pancho Pastrami

On 1-26-10, Barrister Carlos Sanchez wrote:
Dear Pancho Pastrami ,
In line with the non-residence lottery winning act of 2001, you are required to legalize the originals of your winning certificate that is with the lottery company and subsequent submission to the paying bank for immediate release of your winning prize fund. The non Spanish "residence lottery winning act of 2001 allows you to appoint a registered attorney with the lottery board to carry out the legalization and submission of your winning certificate to the paying bank, but the consultation fee of the attorney will be paid by you as a non-residence winner,and not the lottery company.

Below is the Name, telephone and e-mail address of a registered attorney with the lottery board, contact him for the signing and legalization process. You have five working days from the date of the receipt of the approval notice to legalize your papers and submit it to the paying bank or your winning fund will be declared unclaimed by the lottery board. Send him your contact telephone number.

Barrister Carlos Sanchez
Barrister & Solicitor
23 paso de la Castiliana
Madrid,26009
Spain
Tel: +34-672-514-xxx
E-mail:carlossanchez111@live.com

On 1-26-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Barrister Sanchez,

Henry Yanez instructed me to contact you regarding my winnings in the lotery. Unfortunately I am unable to speak to you over the phone as I have a physical disability that prevents me from speaking. When I was a child, on a dare, I stuck my tongue to a frozen metal water pump handle... and I'd rather not go into too many more details otherwise the nightmares may return.

Please let me know what the next steps are to be awarded the money.

Also, I don't have a whole lot of money to pay for your services - just about $20,000 in savings. I was wondering if you ever take payment through bartering. I teach Kabuki and would be happy to exchange lessons for your services. (Think of the marketing potential of being one of the only Kabuki-performing barristers in Spain!)

Thank you.

Pancho

On 1-26-10, Barrister Carlos Sanchez wrote:
Attn:Pancho,

I was asked to contact you by the lottery board on the following.
1. Legalization of the beneficial claim documents of your winning sum,

2. Signing/ endorsement, and Spanish government
Stamp duty on your winning documents
3. Sworn in affidavits in the Spanish high court of justice.

Everything has been put in place for the required procedures. To commence with the process, you are required to complete the attached legal consultation form and send it back to us, you are also required to pay the consultation fee 500euros and the Spanish government stamp duty charge of 55euros all totaling 555.00euros. This payment must be made to enable proceed immediately in discharging of my duty without further delay.
The fee is to be send to my account clerk officer through Western union money transfer or money gram in the name of; (John Bailey). At the receipt of the required fee (555.00 euros) I will proceed immediately in filing the motion towards the requirements and everything will be ready within two working days.

First Name: John
Last Name: Bailey
23 Paso de la Castilian Madrid
Spain.

You are expected to pay that amount because the insurance security policy on your winning does not permit deduction of any cent until the final credit of your fund to your nominated account of your choice.
All the necessary documents will be supplied by the lottery board next will be for me to go to court and notaries your certificate. Once this certificate is duly notarized I shall send you a copy of it and the original to the office of lottery board this will enable the paying bank to effect the immediate release of your winning sum

Best Regards,

Barr. Carlos Sanchez

On 1-26-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Sanchez,

First let me say that I applaud your promptness and efficiency. I wish more barristers here in the United States of America were as professional as you. I once hired a lawyer to help me sue The United States Post Office for discriminating against people without tongues. My lawyer was unkempt and slovenly and I almost regretted hiring him. However we did win the case and now you no longer need a tongue to lick the back of postage stamps. Thanks to me, now ALL US postage stamps are self-adhering.

As I told Henry, my printer is not usable right now. It fell into the ocean. I retrieved it but I have not been able to use it yet. I was instructed to keep the machine in FRESH water for 42 days. Apparently this is to counteract the effects of the salt water. Therefore I added the info from your attachement to this email. I hope this is acceptable.

APPLICATION FOR LEGAL CONSULTATION / REPRESENTATIV

I, Mr, Mrs, Dr, Prof; Pancho Pastrami do hereby appoint Adv. Carlos Sanchez (Legal Practitioner/Notary Public) as my lawful and Legal Representative in my due lottery winning entitlement batch number No (Should I know what this number is?)

This Power of attorney confers full legal backing and authority to act as my Legal Representative especially in the endorsement of the vital Notarisation form at the High Court, Spain.

Note; this power of attorney becomes invalid as soon as all the relevant documents have been signed and my winning funds has been paid by the payment bank into my nominated Bank Account or alternatively confirmed to me in my stipulated or preferred payment mode.
.
Beneficiary Address 561 Cuspidor Lane
Root Canal, New Mexico 87196USA

Total amount won; 1,85O,OOO.OOeuros

This power of attorney is given in absolute good faith

BENEFICIARY SIGNATURE: .Pancho Pastrami .

DATE 1-26-10……………………….

I never used Euros before. Should I go to my bank and get my US dollars comportated over to Euros? Let me know quickly so I can get the ball rolling on this.

Thanks.

Pancho

On 1-26-10, Barrister Carlos Sanchez wrote:
Dear Pancho,

Thanks for your email, You do not need to go to your bank to convert the euro to dollars, 555.00 EUR= 782.394 USD.
so go to any western union or money gram office and send the money in usd.

Regards

Barr.Carlos Sanchez

On 1-26-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Sanchez,

Thank you for the information.

$782.394 is a small price to pay for the fortune that I'll be getting soon. And if you don't mind, I'll "round up" to $782.40. Technically I should be "rounding down", but I figured 'what the hell!'.

This will also be less confusing to the guy at the Western Union office. I know him and even though he's a pretty bright guy, he has a bad temper. If I were to approach him with "$782.394", he might just freak out, and hit me again. Last July he found out that I set his car on fire and he screamed louder than I ever heard anybody scream in my life. He punched me right in the gut and then went around telling everybody what happened. I mean, come on! Was that really necessary? How do you think that makes me look? This is a small town and grudges last a long time. And without a tongue, I can't even defend myself.

What would you have done?

Anyway, I'll send the money tomorrow.

Thank you for your efforts.

Pancho

On 1-28-10, Barrister Carlos Sanchez wrote:
Dear Pancho,

Thanks for your email, we are still waiting for the payment so that we can move on with the legalization of your winning fund.

Best Regards

Barr.Carlos Sanchez

On 1-28-10, Barrister Carlos Sanchez wrote:
Dear Pancho,

We wish to guarantee that upon receipt of the sum of 550euros being paymentfor consultation and legalization fee we shall unequivocally and irrevocably see to the release the sum of 1,850,000.00euros to your designated account within 48 banking hours as per laid down instruction.

That this is the last payment the beneficiary is expected to pay/make in respect or in regards to this transaction before payment is finally effected to the beneficiary's account
That on no account or under no circumstances should the beneficiary be made or asked to pay any more money order than this very payment.
That this guarantee supercedes every other guarantee the beneficiary may have been given or received in the past; be it written or verbal.

That in case of any default due to negligence on our part, the beneficiary has the right to sue or file a legal suit or complaint against our law firm for the refund of every expenses/charges the beneficiary may have incurred in the course of executing this transaction.
Our law firm takes full responsibility regarding any indemnity for the whole amount as may arise. But this is only binding on the law firm if the condition precedent to the release has been met in full.

Best Regards
Barr.Carlos Sanchez

On 1-28-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Sanchez,

Wow! You lawyers sure know how to spout off the legalese. I'm so glad there's a professional like you handling my case. I don't think I could have done it myself. And the 550 Uros is well worth it; I'm sure.

I'm sorry I couldn't wire the money to you yesterday. I was in jail.

I was actually in the Western Union office and I was standing in line, waiting my turn when I looked up and saw my "friend", Blake. He was waiting on another customer and hadn't noticed me yet. Suddenly I had an uncontrollable urge to set something on fire. Fortunately - or not - I had a full can of lighter fluid in my pocket. Well to make a long story short, the Western Union office in Root Canal, New Mexico won't be wiring money to anybody anytime soon. And poor old Blake! Well you'd think he'd be worried about where he's going to work next. He's not. Now he's worried about when - or if - his hair'll be growing back in after getting burned off.

So they let me out this morning. Not enough evidence, they said. Turns out the place was a fire trap anyway. And what could I say? Nothing. I don't have a tongue.

I'll be driving over to the town of Combustible, NM later on today. I'll wire the money then.

Thanks for being patient.

Pancho

On 2-1-10, Vladdio wrote:
Mr. Sanchez,

I regret to inform you that my brother, Pancho died 3 days ago.

The funeral was today.

At the suggestion of his lawyer, I am attempting to tie up loose ends. My brother, it appears, had many loose ends. I have spent the better part of this afternoon answering emails and closing accounts.

If I understand correctly, Pancho won a lottery and you are his immediate contact. I'll understand completely if his death precludes his heirs or dependents from putting in a claim to his winnings. However if that is not the case, please let me know what it is that you require from me to continue. It turns out that Pancho held a fairly decent life insurance policy, so his children have not been left destitute. (I would not allow that to happen anyway.)

His children - and his entire family - of course, are grieving his early demise, but I do believe that if this money is indeed coming to them, it will certainly ease their emotional burden.

Please let me know how we might proceed.

Sven Pastrami

And How I So Wanted a Northern Ireland Scammer

...but cut short. Alas.

-----Original Message-----
From: Reverend Father Paul K. Solomon [mailto:qa@fischerenv.com]
Sent: Friday, January 22, 2010 5:01 AM
Subject: YOUR CALLED FOR THIS PURPOSE

On 1-22-10 The Reverend Paul K. Solomon wrote:
Greetings,

My name is Reverend Father Paul K. Solomon a missionary who lives in Northern Ireland UK

I am diagnosed of Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia (CML) and recently, my Doctor told me that I may not last for the next Three Months due to the damage this cancer has done to my body.

Being led by the Holy Spirit to entrust my estate to a total stranger as I have gone against my vow by acquiring such wealth

I have decided to entrust my entire estate worth 8M (Eight Million British Pounds Only) deposited with a Finance Firm In London, to you

Please make sure that you use this fund to the glory of God, as this is a divine call to humanity do reply with YOUR NAMES, BILING ADDRESS, AGE AND CONTACT NUMBERS, so that I can make my lawyer put your name to the will for the fund

God bless you
Rev. Father P.K Solomon

On 1-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Reverend Father Paul K. Solomon,

I would be honored and privileged to help you in this matter. Please let me know how I can assist you in this sacred mission.

I am:

Rudolfo Skybridge
496 Outback Way
Blooming Onion, MD 21251

I am 47 years old

Thank you.

Rudolfo

On 1-25-10 Vladdio wrote:
Dear Reverend Solomon,

God must surely have a hand in this "chance" cyber meeting between us. It just so happens that my mother recently passed away from the very same disease of which you are afflicted. And when diagnosed, she too succumbed in three months time. The symptoms, as you must already know, are horrific, malodorous, painful, and embarrassing. It is good that we do not take our bodies with us when we enter the Kingdom of Heaven, as I'm certain that St. Peter would hold his nose and probably vomit if he were to have seen my mother in her final corporal condition.

But just listen to me go on and on.

I'm sure I am the right person to handle your last wishes in dispersing your wealth. If you decide to trust me - AND YOU SHOULD - upon my own death I will bequeath the entire lot to a petting zoo in North Dakota of which I am particularly fond. It has for years survived on the tender mercies of other, and yet has brought so much joy and comfort to so many. You should see the chicks there. The cutest things. Oh and how I enjoy petting them.

Here is the information you requested:
Name: Achtung Omar
Address: 735 Chlamydia Drive
Fluke, ND 58204
I am 55 years old

You can only reach me via email as I am unable to speak. I took a vow of silence 24 years ago following a very unsuccessful try-out at a local talent show.

Thank you for believing in me.

Achtung

On 1-28-10, Vladdio (made a last ditch effort and) wrote:
Dear Reverend Solomon,

I hope I'm not too late to become the vessel by which you share your wealth with the Christian world.

Please consider me. I won't let you down..

Achtung

Neither a "Gangsta" nor a Child of the Beat Generation

...hmmm. Last time I'll try this lingo.

From: phil michelson [mailto:philmichelson47@gmail.com]
Sent: Tuesday, January 19, 2010 12:32 AM
Subject: pool heater

On 1-19-10, Phil Michelson wrote:
Hello Sir/Madam
This is Mr Phil Michels And I Will Like To Know If You Can Order Me A
Natural Gas 400,000 BTU Pool Heater . I Will Be More Than Happy If You Can E:Mail Me With The Quote on 2 units of that Plus Tax But exclude shipping cause i will recommend a freight company that will come pick them as soon as i make payment. Also I Will Like To Know If You Accept Credit Card As A Method Of Payment So That I Can Arrange For The Payment Immediately. Hope to hear from you soon.....
Thank You.
Phil......

On 1-19-10, Vladdio wrote:
Hey What's Happenin' Pussycat!

Sure, baby. We gots tons of them heaters.

Yours for the asking, my man. But 2 only? Oh baby that's a royal downer. Go all in dude. Get the 6 pack.

I mean shiiiiiiiiiiiiit, my brotha! You gots to know these heaters ain't gonna be collecting no more dust on your dusty-ass shelves. I mean they're only $1,895 a piece. So half a dozen's only what - $11,370. And I know that's pocket change for a smooth talker like you. Am I right?

But hey, listen up. I'm gonna cut you in on a sweeeeeeeeeet deal. How's this. I'll give you the whole package for $9,500.00. That's better than I'd give my own mother (God rest her soul.)

But hey (again) you gots to deal with the shipping, man, like you said. I can't be putting this shit on wheels for you. You gots to pick it up. We cool?

And you wants to pay with plastic? No problemo, Mr. Credit Cruncher. I'm hip. Go for it. I'll swipe your card.

Send me the facts, Jack. Let's do this thing.

Parnell Sunshine
(but you can call me "Top Cat")

On 1-25-10, Vladdio wrote:
Subject: FW: pool heater

Hey there Phil!

Let's go! Order - Order - Order!

Top Cat