Australia - NOT AUSTRIA!!!

....I think even a 4 year old boy knows that!

From: Luke McNie [mailto: lukemcnie@gmail.com ]
Sent: Monday, January 10, 2011 5:52 AM
Subject: Urgent Order

On 1-10-11, Luke McNie wrote:
Attn:Owner,
I am Luke and I want to place an order from your company i would like to
Buy some (Self Closing Gate)and i have this size for you .

i)Size: 5X15 75 sq.ft.
ii)Size:5X20 75 sq.ft.

if you have them in stock now please advise the cost of Each as well as the
type of credit card you accept for Payment and also if do not have them
available now what do you have in stock .please advise Thank You Have a Nice
Day.
Regards,
Luke

On 1-11-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

Thank you for your interest in our Self Closing Gates.

Unfortunately the sizes you are looking for are currently out of stock.

However we do have the following items in stock:

140’ of Heavy Duty Harrumph (galvanized) $1499 total
140’ of Topical Cream (pre-digested) $1545 total
210’ of Stamina (Red or Orange) $2650 total with saliva

I think you should probably order one unit of each. GRAND TOTAL is $5694.

Let me know how you would like this shipped.

Frank Parallel
Vladdio Gates and Stew, Inc.

On 1-11-11, Luke McNie wrote:
Thanks For Your Feedback.I Appreciate Your Concern In this Product And I Would Like To Buy The Once You Showed Me.

Thank You

On 1-11-11, Luke McNie wrote:
Hello .
Thank you for the .and i really appreciate.As at now it will be shipped to my Client so i will like you to contact a shipping company called Bedfordfairfreight as recommended regarding the shipping cost (Door to Door) to the address below,They will come to your location and make the Pick Up from you as soon as you get them at your store.

Here is the Delivery address:
25 Cromwell St,
Glen Iris, Victoria, 3146.
Australia

Here is the Contact Details for the Freight Company below,Send them an email and they will respond with a Quote:

Bedfordfairfreight Shipping Limited
Email: Bedfordfairfreightline@hotmail.com

Email me back with the total cost of the unit as well as the shipping cost so that i can proceed with payment with my credit card.Waiting for your email soon.

Thank You,
Luke

On 1-11-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Bedford,

Your company has been chosen out of over 10,000 disreputable shipping companies to handle the delivery of 140’ of Heavy Duty Harrumph, 140’ of Topical Cream, and 210’ of Stamina. (See below.)

I'm sure you are familiar with the specifics of this type of order. That is to say: the weight, the dimensions, the chuckles.

Please then - for the love of God! - send me they shipping costs. And keep in mind that this order will be going to Australia - NOT AUSTRIA!!!

I need to have pricing from you immediately. If you cannot get me the pricing fast enough - YOU'RE FIRED!!. You don't want me to say that, do you?

The pick-up location is:
9899 Sucking Chest Wound Drive
Tout Le Monde, GA 30306

Thank you.

Frank Parallel

On 1-12-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

I have not heard back from your shipper yet. I suspect they are either too busy to handle your business or too stupid.

I can recommend another shipper if you would like. I deal with Kangaroo Kontainers out of Brisbane whenever I ship to Australia – NOT AUSTRIA. In the many many weeks I’ve dealt with them they have only lost, damaged, or destroyed only 41 out of the 85 parcels I had placed with them. I’d call them pretty good odds.

Would you like me to contact them in order to get a shipping quote?

I will do this because we are coming close to the expiration dates on the Harrumph. And I don’t believe you or your customers would appreciate stale Harrumph.

Let me know what you’d like to do.

Frank.

On 1-12-11, Luke McNie wrote:
Thanks For The Reply and if you have hear form them email me back with the grant total cost of the unit as well as the shipping cost so that i can proceed with payment with my credit card.Waiting for your
email soon.

Thank You,
Luke

From: Shawn Kings [mailto: bedfordfairfreightline@hotmail.com ]
Subject: Freight Quote..

On 1-12-11, the “shipper” wrote:
Thank you for contacting Bedfordfair Shipping Limited, we are always at your services, Linking packages worldwide.International shipping quote Door to door delivery of 140’ of Heavy Duty Harrumph, 140’ of Topical Cream, and 210’ of Stamina.

From:
9899 Sucking Chest Wound Drive
Tout Le Monde, GA 30306

To:
25 Cromwell St,
Glen Iris, Victoria, 3146.
Australia

Shipping: $1100.00
Taxes: $270.00
Fuel : $190
Customs Duties: $350.00
Pick up: $460.00
Handling: $400.00

Total: $ 2,770.00

Prices Include Taxes and Duty Charges.

We appreciate this opportunity to offer our quotation for the above shipment. Please note that all pricing is based on current tariff(s) and the cargo specifications as noted and is subject to change based on current tariff(s) and the cargo specifications. The above rate is valid for 7 days and is not a guarantee of service .

We would like you to know that before any pick up is made all payments should be made to our financial manager at the Head Office.As soon as payment is confirmed by our financial manager in the delivery location, We would then contact you to give us a specific date and time for us to come for the pick-up. It takes approximately 2 to 3 days delivery when picked up.

We look forward to serving you to your fullest satisfaction.

Thank you,
Jonas Simpson
Bedfordfreight Limited.

On 1-12-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

I have copied the quote from the shipper below. Please note that they require payment prior to pick-up of the parcel.

Now I don’t ordinarily do this but I get a good feeling about you and I’d like to make a proposal to you.

Let me pay the freight charges up front. Then you can send me the price of the material ($5694) and the freight ($2770) for a total of $8,464.00. Then I can pay the shipper. I think this would speed up the delivery process.

I will ask for one thing in return. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to add a convenience fee – something like an extra $10,000 for my troubles. Am I right? Well, no I’m not going to ask for that. In fact I’m not going to ask for any additional fees. What I want is a letter of recommendation of sorts. An EMAIL of recommendation… of sorts.

Here is what I want it to say. (You can re-word it if you wish. Just remember to fill in the blanks.)

Dear President Obama,
It would give me, (put your name here. If you have a nickname, that would be better), great joy and happiness (in fact, it would give me actual physical pleasure) if you could take pity on my good friend, Frank Parallel. He is the finest, most honest person on the face of the earth and I get chills all over my body whenever I think about him. And I think about him constantly. The stories about Frank and Nancy Pelosi are just not true. In fact he gave her all of that money back and if he could bring her dog back to life he surely would. The photos and the recordings are all fakes. I know they are because I was with Frank on the night of October 27, 2009. And yes he did meet me a bit later than usual but that was only because he fell into an open pit at a rendering plant. And THAT’S how he got all of that blood on him.

Barack, (may I call you Barack), I would certainly give my life for Frank. I have already given him one of my kidneys. He is a wise, good, and true friend. He is like a father to my children and like a husband to my wife. I remember the time (and here is where you get to tell a story about when we were young together. I would recommend something not too political or gross.) Please bestow upon Frank a pardon. You can do it. I know you can and I know you will. I will definitely vote for you for a second term in office and I know Frank will too. In fact he told me that he voted for you 4 TIMES in the last election.

Have mercy on him, Mr. President.
Thank you.

Luke Skywalker McNie

I added “Skywalker” to your name. I think it will get more attention that way. (You might want to start using it anyway. It would be good for business.)

And Luke, thanks so much for doing this for me. It’s a pleasure working with you.

Frank

On 1-14-11, Luke McNie wrote:
I want to proceed with the payment so give me your number where i can reach you so that i can proceed with the payment,

Thank you,
Luke..

On 1-14-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

Thank you for your order.

The total is $8,464.00. This includes the shipping costs.

I should have told you this before but all of our correspondence must be via email. For religious reasons I am unable to use a telephone to speak directly to you. I know this sound peculiar but my religion, Gno Zoop Foryu, forbids any of its members from hearing the words of the blasphemers (that’s you) spoken directly into their ears (that’s my ears).

Please continue to conduct the rest of our business the way we have been so far.

Thanks for your understanding even though you are a heathen.

Frank.

PS. I’m still waiting for the letter you promised to write for me. Just attach it to the next email you send me.


On 1-17-11, Luke McNie wrote:
thank you for the reply and can you give me you office number so that
i would call to make the both payment to you today .

On 1-17-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Luke,

I think I'm one of those people who just happen to have to deal with stupid people all of the time so I'm really not too surprised by your last email.

If you're not too busy playing with puppies or coloring or skipping rope, you should go back and re-read the last thing I wrote to you. In it you'll learn that I am unable to use a telephone when communicating with you. This is primarily for religious reasons. However I truly hate to speak directly to idiots, and I think it’s safe to say that you fit into that category.

Please continue with the order via email. And please add a $250 moron fee to the total.

Thank you.

Frank

From: John Mckissock [mailto: j.mckissock@yahoo.com ]
Subject: Attn:Frank Parallel

On 1-17-11, John Mckissock – a new character – wrote:
Hello Dear,
I would like to make enquiry about the Order with Luke ,i am his associate and i would like you to understand that i would be taking care of the payment of his Order henceforth. So i need you to please verify the details below with the the cost of the items + the shipping so that we can get the ball rolling. Since i only have the total amount of $8,464.00 which includes all charges.

I need your confirmation of the order summary so that i can set the payment upfront with a credit card for you to get the order going and more over i would like to know the time frame in which you can get the order ready for shipping after processing the final payment.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thanks,
John Mckissock.
Sent from my Orange HTC Touch Pro2

On 1-17-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,

How do you do?

As I told Luke in the previous emails, the costs are as follows:

The material ($5694) and the freight ($2770) brings the total to $8,464.00. Then add the moron fee (see my most recent email to Luke) of $250. This makes the Grand Total $8714.00.

Please note that the moron fee was set into the equation because of Luke’s inability to understand the most basic instructions. If you can verify that you are NOT a moron, I can remove that fee and just charge you $8464.

In your response email, please copy and paste the following:

“I am not a moron. I am at very least 8 times smarter than Luke. I dress myself in the morning and I have at least a 3rd grade reading level.”

If you fail to add this in the next email, just keep the total as $8714.00

In regards to the lead time, the material is ready right now for shipping. All I need is the go-ahead and payment information.

Thank you.

Frank Parallel

PS. My phone is also orange. I painted it for Halloween.

PSS. I was really hoping to get that letter of recommendation from Luke, but since I have learned – and you have confirmed - that he certifiably stupid, I am not counting on it. In fact at this point getting that kind of letter from him would probably do more harm than good. If you, on the other hand, could copy and send it to me, I would greatly appreciate it. I may even go so far as to make it worth your while. I could include one of my famous hand-drawn pictures of Dom Deluise riding on an alpaca. This might not make sense to you right now, but if you saw it, I’m sure you would love it.

Frank

On 1-24-11, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,

You’re going to have to complete this order soon before I am forced to add a late fee ($50 for the first week and then $10 per day after that.).

Please let me know when I can expect payment.

Thank you.

Frank

On 1-25-11, John McKissock wrote:
OOO C'MON MAN WHAT ARE YOU? A 4 YR OLD BOI ? U F***IN RETARDED!!