From: John Freeman [mailto:freemandan00@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, February 02, 2010 3:43 AM
Subject: baby walkers Inquiry
On 2-2-10, John Freeman wrote:
Hello
With regards to your company am John Freeman and am sending you this mail regards to some baby walkers i want to order from you company , So i will like you to get back to me with the types of baby walkers you have and their prices also i will like to know if you do accept credit card payment. Please Advise.
John Freeman
John & Son Co Ltd.
On 2-4-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Freeman,
Thank you for your interest in our Baby Walkers.
Fungal-Foot Magic Baby Walkers has been the premier baby walker manufacturer in the US since 1773. We pride ourselves on quality, price, and longevity. In 237 years of uninterrupted baby walker production we are proud to say that while our competitors have diluted themselves with dozens and dozens of varieties of baby walkers, we have only one. It is the "Death-To-Tories" Solid Wood Baby Walker.
In 1773, Jedediah Fungal and Gilchrist Foot founded the Fungal-Foot Company with the dream and intention of ridding the colonies of the seditious bastardly Tories while producing a simple way for babies to learn to walk. Thus was formed our company. It wasn't until almost 200 years later, in 1970, that Boswell Magic joined the company and introduced the concept of sanding the splinters and rough or sharp edges off of the walkers.
Pricing is as follows:
Quantity for orders of the "Death-To-Tories" Solid Wood Baby Walker
1 - $155.00
All other quantities: Multiply the desired amount by $155
I truly - in my heart of hearts - believe you will require 2 dozen units. Your price is $3,720.00 excluding shipping.
Yes we take credit cards.
Thank you.
Sanchez Avocado
Director of Sales
On 2-10-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Freeman,
Are you still interested in our baby walkers?
Sanchez
On 2-11-10, John Freeman wrote:
Hello
Thank you for your mail , well i will like to order 60 pieces of the "Death-To-Tories" Solid Wood Baby Walker @ $155.00 , so please kindly get back to me with the total pick-up price on that including sales tax.
Hope to read from you soon.
On 2-11-10, Vladdio
Dear Mr. Freeman,
Thank you for your order.
60 pieces of the "Death-To-Tories" Solid Wood Baby Walker @ $155 each is a total of $9,300.00
As you may know taxation without representation is tyranny and since you are not represented in this state (Massachusetts), it would be tyrannical if you were taxed. Consequently: NO TAX FOR YOU!
Please note that with every 20 piece order we include FREE 1 (one) "Captain William Smith Home Tar and Feathering Kit". You will receive 3 (three).
Please let us know the shipping address ASAP.
The Pick-up address is:
1765 Stamp Act Drive
Smallpox, MA 02535
Sanchez
On 2-12-10, John Freeman wrote:
Hello
I'm sending you this email in regards to the pick up and delivery and that is, i once work with a freight company that will be picking up the Walkers From your company and have them shipped to my new company which is located in Thailand .These Freight company are very affordable,faster and reliable and bellow are the necessary information the freight needed to provide the freight quote.
Name : Overseas Express Shipping Company Limited
Contact Name : Capt McCoy
Contact Email address : Overseas.shipping@rock.com
And the information that the shipping company will request in order to provide you with the shipping charges is
1. The full pick up location Address
2. The size and Quantity of the Walkers to be picked up and shipped
3..The shipping address
And the address were i need the Walkers to be shipped is below
Shipping Address :
Jack Machinery & More Co Ltd
Street Address: 87 Soi Navin , Chua Phloeng Rd.,
City :Chongnonsi,
State : Yannawa Bangkok
Zipcode : 10120
Country : Thailand
Don't Hesitate to contact me back with the total cost plus freight cost so that we can proceed from there .Waiting for your immediate response.
On 2-12-10, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear Captain McCoy,
Included in this email please find the shipping information for "Baby walkers".
The parcel will be prepared for shipping on one (1) pallet, 48" x 48" x 96" high.
The weight will be 1020 lbs (including pallet).
The customer, John Freeman, has been diagnosed with a rare skin disease and probably doesn't have long to live. Therefore I need your information in order to process his payment prior to his imminent demise. Time is of the essence.
Thank you.
Sanchez Avocado
Director of Sales
On 2-14-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Freeman,
I haven't heard back from your shipper yet. If you have any influence over him please avail yourself. I'd like to get this order wrapped up as soon as possible.
Thank you.
Sanchez
On 2-16-10, John Freeman wrote:
Well i will like you to contact them once again and then send me a copy to my mail thanks.
On 2-16-10, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear Captain McCoy,
Mr. John Freeman asked that I contact you again for pricing for a shipment of baby walkers.
Please see the relevant information below.
Also, here is what I can tell you regarding the shipment:
The parcel will be prepared for shipping on one (1) pallet, 48" x 48" x 96" high.
The weight will be 1020 lbs (including pallet).
I'm not sure why you failed to respond previously with pricing. I suspect that either stupidity or laziness is at play here. Please don't let this happen again. John Freeman is a dear friend of mine besides being a valued customer. Adding that to the fact that John lives out each day of his life in misery, I am impatient with other people, such as yourself, who cause him more grief. John is even now undergoing a radical medical procedure which may help extend his life by a few months. On the other hand, it may kill him. Whichever of these two outcomes, one thing is for sure. His days as 2nd bassoonist for the San Diego Philharmonic are over.
Now please get the shipping costs to me immediately.
Thank you.
Sanchez Avocado
Director of Sales
On 2-18-10, John Freeman wrote:
What kind of mail is that have i told you am sick?
On 2-18-10, Vladdio wrote:
Calm down, John,
I always deal with shippers this way.
I have found that shippers give more attention and urgency if you tell them that the customer is very sick and possibly dying. Just wait and see. This Captain McCoy will not only get back quickly with the prices, he'll also give you BETTER prices. It's the sympathy. He'll feel sorry for you and lower his rates. I guarantee it.
The only bad thing about this strategy is that you may have to actually fake being sick if you ever meet him in person. If you find yourself in this predicament, just contact me. I know a way of causing projectile vomiting by using some baking soda, oil of cloves, and dog urine. It works every time. And the good thing is that you'll never have to meet him again.
Let me know as soon as he gets the costs to you.
We're ready to ship now.
Sanchez
On 2-19-10, John Freeman wrote:
Well i will like you to get back to me as soon as you get a mail from the shippers so that i can proceed with payment
On 2-19-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,
I haven't heard from your shipper yet and that's very surprising to me.
Serious illnesses, however phony, tend to cause these shippers to move faster. That hasn't happened. It's quite unusual. I may have to resort to a "death-bed estimate request scenario".
In this scenario I'll need you to contact the shipper and tell him that you will probably not survive the day. You'll want to say that your widow, who is both blind and incontinent, will be handling your affairs after your death. Tell him that you hate to put this kind of burden on her because she is also bi-polar and has several personality disorders including pyromania. Tell him that if she is arrested again she will not be able to complete our transaction and that he will surely lose the sale. This gives him a few reasons to give you your costs very rapidly.
Let me know what happens.
On the other hand, do you want me to contact him again?
Sanchez
On 2-22-10, John Freeman wrote:
Well i will like you to contact them once again but this time contact them better so that they can get back to me with the quote then i can proceed with payment.
On 2-22-10, Vladdio wrote:
Not a problem, John. I know exactly what to say.
Sanchez
On 2-22-10, John Freeman wrote:
Okay contact them now and get back to me with a contact number so that i can call to proceed with payment.
On 2-22-10, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear Captain McCoy,
It is with great regret that I must inform you of the death of John Freeman.
John Freeman was a dear friend of mine, a devoted father, an occasionally faithful husband, a master pastry baker, and a champion shuffle-board player.
But his true passion was taking care of the children at the Freeman Center at St. Jezebel's School for Unwed Mothers in Bangkok, Thailand. I know the newspapers have not been kind to his reputation and have accused him of - among many other things - fathering most of the children there, and white slavery. But I can assure you that none of the children were white. And I know he was very fond of the young women there and everywhere else in the world. He was filled with love and shared that love whenever he could... as long as his wife didn't find out.
I don't believe we can allow his legacy to fade away just because he is dead. He would have wanted the Baby-Walkers to be shipped and he would have wanted YOU to be the shipper.
Please, Captain McCoy, I believe you would be the perfect shipper and I know you are the real McCoy. Please let me know the shipping cost for this parcel. Here again is the information you need:
"The parcel will be prepared for shipping on one (1) pallet, 48" x 48" x 96" high.
The weight will be 1020 lbs (including pallet)."
I need these costs right away. Think of the poor children who are, even now, walker-less.
Thank you for your speedy attention.
Sanchez Avocado
Friend of John Freeman, and Executor of His Will
On 2-22-10, the "Shipper" wrote:
-----Original Message-----
From: Overseas Shipping Co Ltd [mailto:overseas.shipping@rock.com]
Subject: Shipping Estimate.
Dear Customer,
Thank you for Contatcting Overseas Shipping Co, for your shipping needs.
We checked on shipping for one (1) pallet, 48" x 48" x 96" high the weight will be 1020 lbs (including pallet) .
Picking it up at your location to Thailand,And its going to cost $6,500.00.That includes international airway taxes ( I.A.T), Tarrifs and custom's clearance duties. It takes approximately 5-7 days for delivery from the day of pick-up.
Pick up address below:
U.S.A
To:
Jack Machinery & More Co Ltd
Street Address: 87 Soi Navin , Chua Phloeng Rd.,
City :Chongnonsi,
State : Yannawa Bangkok
Zipcode : 10120
Country : Thailand
Payment made : Pick-up location only.
Thank you for choosing Overseas Shipping Co for your shipping needs..
Thanks in Advance
Captain Mc Coy -
Int. Shipping Depart
Overseas Shipping Co
On 2-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,
See, I told you the shipper would get back with the costs.
And I don't know what it should cost to send 60 baby-walkers and 3 "Tar and Feathering Kits" to Thailand but $6,500 sounds very reasonable to me.
The only problem now is that they believe you're dead. Sorry about that. But it was necessary. I think the shipper must be a total asshole and a complete moron, but still, you'll have to be careful. I think that if you need to contact them directly you should use an alias. DON'T USE THE NAME, JOHN FREEMAN. Instead maybe you'll want to call yourself SALLY DALRYMPLE or CHLAMYDIA PERTUSSIS. Put your choice of names in the next email you send to me. (I won't charge you for the name. That's the kind of guy I am.)
Just tell them that you're John's illegitimate daughter. They don't need to know more than that.
So now you have all of the costs. Please the send payment information right away. There's a rumor going around here that our prices may be changing. I'll do what I can to keep your prices the same but I can't guarantee it. You must hurry.
Thank you.
Sanchez
On 2-23-10, John Freeman wrote:
Get back to me with a contact number so that i can call tp proceed payment.
On 2-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,
I'm sorry to have to tell you that I cannot give your a phone number. Maybe I should have explained this to you from the outset but Fungal-Foot Magic Baby Walkers is an exclusively hearing impaired company.
In order for us to qualify for Federal Disability Enterprise Zone Grants, 100% of our employees must be completely deaf. And we are.
All communication with anyone here must be done visually or via email.
If you ever get a chance to visit our facility, I think you'll find one of the quietest companies in the world. Or at least, that's what I've been told. I wouldn't know.
Please send ALL of your payment information by email.
Thank you.
Sanchez
On 2-23-10, John Freeman wrote:
Well i will need to talk to someone.
On 2-23-10, Vladdio wrote:
John,
Your email has a ring of condescension and superiority to it.
Do not think less of people with a hearing disability, John. We are as capable as anyone else in communicating. We just do it differently. For us EMAILING is talking.
If your own prejudices get in the way of business, that's your problem, not ours.
If you cannot function as a polite representative of the "hearing" world, we would rather not have to deal with you.
If on the other hand, you take advantage of the truly great prices I've been quoting you AND overcome your own bigotry, you will not only start being opened minded, but also you would become an emissary of Jesus.
So what's it going to be, John? Continue with the order? Or succumb to personal stupidity?
Sanchez
On 2-24-10, John Freeman wrote:
Okay send me a mail with the total cost as soon as you get to the office so that i can provide my credit card for the payment.
On 2-24-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,
As I thought might happen, we just had a price change. I did everything I could to keep this from effecting you but it did.
The new price for the "Death-To-Tories" Solid Wood Baby Walker is $130 each and NOT $155 as previously quoted.
I apologize for whatever inconvenience this may cause.
Apparently this new price is a result of a class action law suit settlement. It seems that our baby walkers have been implicated in several thousand fires over the past 25 years. The type of wood used (since 1985) in manufacturing (Incendiary Oak) along with a particular ingredient in the secret finishing formula we use (Ignitonium) occasionally result in fiery babies. Up until recently, Spontaneous Human Combustion had been thought to be the cause. Fortunately our lawyers kept our company from closing down completely. The governor realized that closing a plant like ours would put almost 2 dozen people out of work and the effect on the community at large (Massachusetts) would be devastating. Therefore it was agreed that we would lower our prices by $25 and add a warning sticker on the underside of each baby walker. This was the terms of the settlement.
What this means to you is this:
60 pieces of the "Death-To-Tories" Solid Wood Baby Walker @ $130 each is a total of $7,800.00 (NOT $9,300.00). You save $1,500!
Shipping via Overseas Shipping Co. to Thailand is $6,500 (This remains the same, although you might have SALLY DALRYMPLE contact Captain McCoy for some more negotiating.)
Total: $14,300 (NOT $15,800.00)
I hope that you don't cancel your order because of a few fires. In my opinion, children can learn a lot about fire, smoke inhalation, 1st degree burns, and skin grafts by dealing with them at an early age.
I await your payment information.
Sanchez
On 2-24-10, John Freeman wrote:
Thank you for your mail , well i will like to know if i can provide you with my credit card information for the total payment of the walkers and the shipping so that you can handle all on my behave and also thanks for the prices change
On 2-24-10, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John,
I'm glad to see that you are unperturbed by the mental image of a few thousand smoking baby carcasses. Someone with a weaker stomach or higher morals might have called the whole thing off.
Of course I can handle the shipping for you. I understand completely that you wouldn't want Captain McCoy to know that you are still alive. And in a small way, I do feel slightly responsible for the deception.
Please send me what I need to know to proceed with this transaction.
Thank you.
Sanchez
On 2-24-10, John Freeman wrote:
Subject: Payment Information.
Hello
Thank you for your and i appreciate the way you have handled my order , well i have provided below the my card full information for the total payment of the units as well as the shipping also the card has a limit of $ 3000 and as soon as it get approved you put the same amount on it till you get the total payment and also email me with a reciept as soon as all payment is made.
Name : John Freeman
Street : P.O. Box xxxx
Postcode : 82073
City : Laramie
State : Wyoming
Country : United States
CC Number : 54xx-xxxx-xxxx-xxxx
CVV2 : xxx
Date Expire : 09/10
Hope to read from you soon.
On 2-24-10, Vladdio wrote:
John,
Do you mean to say that you expect me to run this credit card 5 (FIVE!) times!!
Who the hell do you think you're dealing with? A goddamned candy store?!!
We presently have over 80,000 customers worldwide and 35% of them regularly pay by credit card. And ALL of them have credit limits in excess of $250,000. And you're telling me that your credit limit is $3000!!
I can't believe I've been wasting my time dealing with a complete amateur! You must be tin-plated asshole! I'm probably going to fired for this.
It's times like these that I'm glad I'm deaf so I won't have to hear my fellow sales associates guffaw about what a schlemiel I've been!
I'll tell you what, Mr. John "Super-Putz" Freeman, take your goddamned credit card, fold it in half, and shove it straight up your ass! Do this 5 (FIVE!) times and maybe on the last time you'll get a receipt!
I don't believe this is happening to me.
Sanchez
On 2-24-10, John Freeman wrote:
Okay goahead and put all the charges on it.
On 2-25-10, John Freeman wrote:
Please cancel the order and dont try running my card.
.
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