When "Durability" is Criteria #1

...a llama story always works

From: PHILIP JOHNSON.ALAN RITCHIE ARCHITECTS
Sent: Wed, Dec 2, 2009 2:57 pm
Subject: JOB OFFER...{REPLY ASAP}
Dear sir/ma,

My name is PHILIP JOHNSON, Head of job processing unit at PHILIP JOHNSON, ALAN RITCHIE ARCHITECTS , We are registered in WHITE PAGES for emailing online recruitment payment officer, we would be offering you a part time paying job opportunity for United States,Puerto Rico and Canada only in which you could earn alot without quitting your present we require no payment from you to sign on. We will need you as payment representative to receive payments in your areas.

Job Description is as follows ( Read Carefully )
-Payment will be sent to you on our behalf from any of our Various Clients, which would come in the form of Cashiers Checks, Travelers Checks and Money Orders.
- All Payments Should be Cashed/Deposited at your Bank.
-A commission Fee of 10% of each Payment you would be receiving on our behalf, Aslo Transportation and cost Of Western Union Charges will Not Be Included.
- You then send the Remaining Funds back via Western Union to details you would be given later. Therefore the following details would be needed from you via Email, so as for you to start working for the Company.

Please, bear it in mind that we would be dealing with quite a handful of cash and you could be making up to $5000 just working with the company in a short period of time within 2-3 weeks. If interested get back with these information below...

FULL NAME:
CONTACT ADDRESS:(NO P O BOX)
CITY:
STATE:
ZIP-CODE:
TELEPHONE NUMBER:
MOBILE NUMBER:
AGE:
OCCUPATION:
EMAIL:

GOD BLESS YOU
PHILIP JOHNSON
Position: Payment Officer
email: pjar001@gmail.com

On 12-3-09 Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Johnston,

Please give me more details of how I would be involved in this.

Thank you.

FULL NAME: Brian Freize
CONTACT ADDRESS:(NO P O BOX): 125 Aphasia Way
CITY: Cowlick
STATE: Wyoming
ZIP-CODE: 82006
AGE: 35
OCCUPATION: Escabulation Assistant Director
EMAIL: vladdio@comcast.net

On 12-3-09, Philip Johnson wrote:
Dear Candidate,

I got your details down and I have gotten a file in your name for the company.

However, I am yet to have a contact number to reach you on should the need arise. I have received your information and i have forwarded it to Our customer in the UNITED STATES and first payment will be made to you soon.

When the payment is on the way I would send you an email so as for you to know when to get it and also what kind of courier service was used. Also instruction would be given to you on what to do on the payment immediately the customer has sent the payment out.We require a daily Email response as part of your service.

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT ANY PACKAGE YOU RECEIVE WITHOUT MY APPROVAL, YOU SHOULD LET ME KNOW, THE PAYMENTS WILL BE COMING IN BY UPS,FEDEX OR REGULAR MAIL, SO I WILL LIKE YOU TO CHECK YOUR EMAIL AND DOOR STEP AND MAIL BOX REGULARLY SO YOU WILL NOT MISS THE PACKAGE AND SO YOU KNOW THE NEW UPDATE WITH TIME.

We will also keep you POSTED and I will want you to ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT of this message to verify that you understand and you are still interested in working with us.

What You offer Us.
1. 2-3 Hours daily
2. A Valid bank account to cash checks,Money Orders,Drafts ETC.
3. Sincerity and Genuine.
4. Understanding on how to make the company's transfers- some times you might be asked to send payments to either of our UK or US Cash offices depending on your location.
5. Durability.

Thanks and Await your immediate response.

Best Regards.

PHILIP JOHNSON
PAYMENT OFFICER

NB: Below is your reference number which you must attach to any email you send to the company ( A-1-Job-Confirmation-119989-2008) .Once again Welcome to our Company.

On 12-4-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Jonson,

You may be surprised to learn that not everyone in the United Sates has a phone. The government likes to stress the importance of ALL citizens having and carrying a cell phone but recently uncovered secret Justice Department documents point strongly to ulterior motives other than communication. Apparently the government can now track each citizen by use of the GPS technology in cell phones. Also hypersonic "suggestion" waves emanating from the cell phones are causing many people to behave in ways they ordinarily would not. For example, for no discernable reason, Will Ferrell continues to draw people to his movies. This is rock solid proof that many people are being manipulated against their will.

So to summarize: I have no phone.

We can continue to communicate via email.

And as far as what I have to offer:

1. 2-3 Hours daily
2. A Valid bank account to cash checks,Money Orders,Drafts ETC.
3. Sincerity and Genuine.
4. Understanding on how to make the company's transfers- some times you might be asked to send payments to either of our UK or US Cash offices depending on your location.
5. Durability.

I don't have any problem with any of these, though I would like to emphasize my durability. I was once dragged behind a running llama for two miles. I suffered no ill effects. I assure you that I am up to the task.

Brian Frieze

On 12-6-09, Philip Johnson wrote:
Dear Candidate,

I got your details down and I have gotten a file in your name for the company.

However, I am yet to have a contact number to reach you on should the need arise. I have received your information and i have forwarded it to Our customer in the UNITED STATES and first payment will be made to you soon.

When the payment is on the way I would send you an email so as for you to know when to get it and also what kind of courier service was used. Also instruction would be given to you on what to do on the payment immediately the customer has sent the payment out.We require a daily Email response as part of your service.

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT ANY PACKAGE YOU RECEIVE WITHOUT MY APPROVAL, YOU SHOULD LET ME KNOW, THE PAYMENTS WILL BE COMING IN BY UPS,FEDEX OR REGULAR MAIL, SO I WILL LIKE YOU TO CHECK YOUR EMAIL AND DOOR STEP AND MAIL BOX REGULARLY SO YOU WILL NOT MISS THE PACKAGE AND SO YOU KNOW THE NEW UPDATE WITH TIME.

We will also keep you POSTED and I will want you to ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT of this message to verify that you understand and you are still interested in working with us.

What You offer Us.
1. 2-3 Hours daily
2. A Valid bank account to cash checks,Money Orders,Drafts ETC.
3. Sincerity and Genuine.
4. Understanding on how to make the company's transfers- some times you might be asked to send payments to either of our UK or US Cash offices depending on your location.
5. Durability.

Thanks and Await your immediate response.

Best Regards.

PHILIP JOHNSON
PAYMENT OFFICER

NB: Below is your reference number which you must attach to any email you send to the company ( A-1-Job-Confirmation-119989-2008) .Once again Welcome to our Company.You are also required to send am email to indicate you received and understand the contents of this email

On 12-9-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Phillip,

I'm still waiting for the first payment. I'm not being impatient, I assure you. Perhaps you'd call it being "durable"!

Let me know what happens next.

Thanks.

Brian

On 12-9-09, Philip Johnson wrote:
Hello Representative,

In regards to the job offer i contacted about a payment has been sent out to you by my customer in form of money order.(ONCE RECEIVE OF THIS MONEY ORDER YOUR FULL NAME AT (PAY TO THE ORDER OF) THEN SIGN AT (PURCHASER, SIGNER FOR DRAWER) LASTLY FILL IN YOU ADDRESS DOWN AT (ADDRESS) THEN TAKE TO YOUR BANK AND HAVE THEM CASHED). Once you have the cashed amount in your hand,The Funds are highly needed, the board of directors made a decision, If you are able to make the transfer the same day you receive the payment, then you are eligible to take 15% as your service charge instead of the agreed 10%. This is just to make you more effective and submissive to the Job,After deducting your fees proceed to WESTERN UNION outlet to make the payment payable to our Art raw material company/supplier in DUBAI-UAE and send the money to the names and address below,you are also required to take out the western union wire charges after wards you send out balance via WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER just as follows:

NAME: KIDD MARK
ADDRESS: 148 AL BEINA ROAD
CITY: DERRIA STATE: DUBAI
COUNTRY: UAE (UNITED ARAB EMIRATE)

After the payment is sent you will email me back the Money Transfer Control Number (MTCN), Sender's name and the exact amount sent to this email addresses ASAP,Please have this taken care of today due to the urgency of the company we owe in DUBAI-UAE, As soon as this is taken care of today you should be getting another payment tomorrow to.

PHILIP JOHNSON
PAYMENT OFFICER

On 12-10-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Phil,

Thank you for increasing my percentage from 10% to 15%. You can trust me to get to the Western Union immediately after I get the payment. When do you think that will be?

So far you haven't asked me for any more information like my address (where to send it.)

I think you can see that I'm being sincere and genuine and I know that's exactly the requirements for this job. As you know, my durability is beyond question.

Please get back to me as quickly as possible. I already spent - on credit - some of the money I'm expecting to make on this venture. I bought an electric collar and a saddle for my llama. I didn't tell you but I'm a street performer.

Brian

You'll Never Lose Money By Rounding Up

...unless you're the customer.

From: Lewis Taylor
Sent: Thursday, December 03, 2009 2:07 PM
Subject: fence
Hello my name is lewis and i will like to know if you pool fence for sale.

On 12-4-09, Vladdio wrote:
Yes.

On 12-4-09, Lewis Taylor wrote:
Thank you very much for the reply,i will like to know the types you have and the cost for

On 12-5-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Lewis,

The fence I carry is manufactured by The Jumbo Bumble Bee Scurvy Leg Fence Company or JBBSLFC.

JBBSLFC makes many variations of fence: 82 different colors, 13 different heights and ratings from "G" (General Audiences) to "XXX" (3 minutes of flinching).

However our most popular fence is the "Ride 'em, Cowboy!" This has Red and White Vertical Stripes at 62" height with pole caps representative of Rodeo Superstars of Yesteryear. It comes in 20' lengths.

You will need 15 sections of the "Ride 'em, Cowboy!” At $355 per section, your cost is $7,100.00.

You will also need the "Whoa, Nellie!" Gate. (This has the image of a boa constrictor woven into the screen). No one buys the "Ride 'em, Cowboy!" without the "Whoa, Nellie!” This gate costs $520.

Your total price for this order is $7,620.00.

How would you be paying for this?

McCoy MacTush McFadden
(You can call me "Buster". Nobody calls me "Mac")

On 12-5-09, Lewis Taylor wrote:
Thank you very much for the assitance and and i will like to make my payment with credit card if that is okay with u.

On 12-5-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Lewis,

Yes you can use your credit card.

Please confirm that you do wish to order the specific fence and gate described below. YOU MUST WRITE THE NAMES OF THE FENCE AND GATE IN THE BODY OF YOUR RESPONSE EMAIL. This is for ordering purposes.

Thank you.

Buster

On 12-5-09, Lewis Taylor wrote:
Yes that is the exact thing that i want,i will like you to know that i will be recomending you with a shipping company for pic up,so i will like you to get the weight of the fence and quantity of it and send to the shipping company,so that they will e mail u back with the shipping cost and u e mail it back to me,thier e mail address is.. FACEMANSHIPPING@COOLTOAD. And also i will like to know if you have them now ready .hope to hear from u back.

On 12-5-09, Vladdio wrote to the “shipper” and copied to Lewis Taylor:
Dear Mr. FACEMANSHIPPING@COOLTOAD,

Mr. Lewis Taylor has asked that I contact you regarding a shipment of fence. You will be the shipper. See details below.

The material will be on one pallet 48" x 64" x 72" high. The total weight will be 640 lbs.

The pick up address is:

The Jumbo Bumble Bee Scurvy Leg Fence Company
Flying Pomegranate Industrial Park
5200 Super Goober Blvd.
Happy Cookie, MN 55144

McCoy MacTush McFadden
(You can call me "Mac". Nobody calls me "Buster")

On 12-7-09, the shipper wrote:
Hello,
Thank you very much for the mail,we have checked the weight and the quantity ,it is going to cost you $4,586.00 this inclouds Tax and customs way bills.i will wait to hear from u so that i can give you my address for payment.

On 12-7-09, Lewis Taylor wrote:
Thank you very much for the mail,i will like to know what you have found out for the shipping cost,Also i will like you to do me a favour which is am in a contrnce for 3 days which i will not be able to have the time and make payment to the shipping company,i will like you to assit me make the payment to them,which is i will give you my credit card for you to run your charges and also run the amount the shipping charges is and contact them for payment so that they can arrange for pic up.i know this will be a littile hard.i hope to hear from you back.

On 12-7-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Lewis,

I have copied your shipper's email into this one. As you can see the shipping costs are $4,586.00.
I understand that you wish me to pay the shipper since you are either out of the country or in a conference.

This is not a problem at all. However since it does constitute a bit of an inconvenience to me, I will add a $2,000 "inconvenience fee". This brings your total from $4,586.00 to $6,586.00.

Add this to the $7,620.00 for the material and you have $14,206.00.

Lewis, in my line of business, we rarely invoice for oddly written numbers like $14,206.00. Instead we almost always round up to the next thousand. I'm sure you'll understand. Therefore your new price is $15,000.00.

Please note that there is a palletting fee of $125 bringing your total to $15,125.00 OR - rounding up: $16,000.00.

Please provide your credit card information ASAP.

Thank you.

Buster

On 12-7-09, Lewis Taylor wrote:
Name on card... xxxx xxxx xxxx 588
card type...Master card
Exp date........xx/xx/2012
cvv........... xxx

On 12-7-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Lewis,

In order to process your credit card I need the following:

- the address MasterCard has on file for this card
- You middle name. If you don't have one, you MUST choose "F". (I don't know why.)
- A security question. The Credit Card companies now require this. It's to prevent identity theft.
You could ask, for example: If I fell off of a Ferris Wheel, would I rather land on the "Tilt-A-Whirl" or the "Wild Mouse"?
(If this is too difficult for you, let me recommend one: Would I rather die by being ripped apart by orangutans or baboons? Please choose one, or make up a question of your own.)
- Your pledge that you are an honest man.

Thank you.

Buster

On 12-10-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Lewis,

I'm still waiting for your response to my last email. I cannot process your credit card without the information I requested.

Please get back to me as soon as you can.

If you are having trouble coming up with an appropriate security question, perhaps I can help. Most people fall back on the old standard types of questions. Why not use one of these. (It will speed things along.)

- What is the birthday of your dog?
- How many scars do you have below the waist?
- Who is your favorite Nazi War Criminal?
- Who gave you your first hickey?
- What is your ATM PIN number?

Please indicate which one of these you want to use and answer it and send to me right away.

Thanks.

Buster

On 12-10-09, Lewis Taylor wrote:
I will like to use What is your freinds name?Answer,mike,dear customer the shipping is waiting to get there to u,why dont u paythem so that they can be there early to pic up the fence.contact them for payment information.

On 12-10-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Lewis F. Taylor,

Thank you for complying with the security question section of the credit card processing.

Please note: You security question: What is your freinds name?Answer,mike is rated as "ULTRA LOW" . This means that the likelihood of identity theft for you is "ULTRA HIGH". Studies indicate that this question is used 82% of the time and 98% of the time it is used, it is used by people typically with IQs lower than 50. The answer you provided (mike) is used for this question 91% of the time and is the most popular answer. The second most popular answer is "Bob", then "John", then "Joe". All of these make an already weak security question even less secure. However, had you answered that your friend's name was "Lord Fire-Toad", the consequent security level would be HIGH. (In truth, very few people have friends named "Lord Fire-Toad". I personally only know of one.)

Following receipt of this security question, I tried to run your credit card through our machine but it appears that there is one digit missing from your card number. Although I am assuming that it is one of these: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, or even 0, I do not know where it belongs in the string of numbers you provided: xxxx xxxx xxxx 588. Please review and get back to me ASAP.

Thanks.

Buster

On 12-10-09, Lewis Taylor wrote:
Okay,i think i have to call my bank,But i will like you to do me a favour pls i want you to send the shipping company the half of they payment so that they will put my items in the list of their pick up so that they can be there early,so that when you charge my card and you get all ur money out of it,u can contact the shipping company for payment address asoon as u are ready to make payemnt to them.Try this card number xxxx xxxx xxxx 588

On 12-10-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Lewis,

The shipping cost for this order is $4,586.00. Half of that is $2,293.00. I don't think it's fair that you would have to put up half of the shipping at this point. It was agreed that I would pay the full shipping after processing your credit card. I hope you don't think I'm trying to get one over on you.

You are kind and generous if somewhat dim, and I appreciate it. I wish more of my customers were as low-brow and unenlightened as you. However there is another issue and that is the address that MasterCard has on file for this credit card. You still haven't provided it. I need to know this ASAP.

Thanks.

Buster

PS. We just had a "selective rate increase" and, as luck would have it, YOU have been selected for this rate increase. But don't worry. The price only went up 1%. So whereas your price was $16,000, the new price at 1% more is $16,160 - which rounds up to $17,000. Please make note of this.

Thanks again.

Buster

PPS. Your credit card number is still one digit short.

Doesn't Anything Bother This Guy?

...certainly not my venomous tongue.

From: Ben Gates
Sent: Tuesday, December 01, 2009 11:03 PM
Subject: Winter pool cover

Hi Owner,

My name is Mr.Ben Gates and i will like to know if you do have Winter pool cover for sale???if yes then kindly let me know so that i can get back to you as soon i can with the types of Winter pool cover and sizes. i need then you can quote me.

Do you accept charge cards???

Regards
Mr..Ben

On 12-2-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Ben,

Yes Mr. Ben. I do have winter pool covers for sale.

Right now I have the Model #1040 "Good Buddy" which is 10 x 40 (our most popular) for $1295.

We also have the Model #76 "Trombones" which is 76 x 76 (another nice cover) for $1985.

And lastly we have the Model #12 "Drummers Drumming" which is 12 x 12 for $1445.

And yes we take charge cards.

Quisby Forsooth

On 12-2-09, Ben Gates wrote:
Quisby,

Thank you for your email.I will like you to kindly get me 2 of Model #76 "Trombones" which is 76 x 76 (another nice cover) for $1985. and also 1 of Model #12 "Drummers Drumming" which is 12 x 12 for $1445.Please kindly get back to me with the total prices and also i will be coming to your location to pick them up.Hope to hear from you.

Thanks,

Mr, Gates

On 12-4-09, Vladdio wrote:
Ben,

Get back to you with the total prices? Is that what you want me to do? Really?

So you must mean you want me to use MY calculator to work the addition out for you, because what? ...they don't sell calculators where you live? How about pencils and paper? Huh?

OK. I'll do it. What the hell; I've got nothing better to do than to waste my time doing simple math for my customers. Here goes:

2 x $1,985.00 = $3,970.00 (Wow! That was tough!)

And then I'll just add $1,445.00 to that, right? So $3,970.00 + $1,445.00 = $5,415.00.

$5,415.00 - do that sound about right to you?

Quisby Forsooth

PS. Who dresses you in the morning? Your mommy?

On 12-4-09, Ben Gates wrote:
Hello,

I will like to proceed with the purchase of the unit and will like to inform you that I will be recommending a freight company that will be coming to your location for the pick up of the unit because I am purchasing the unit, for my ALISA HOTEL located in Ghana and will like to forward you the contact details of the freight company so that you can contact them and find out the shipping costs to Ghana.
What do you think ??

Kindness

Mr, Gates

On 12-4-09, Vladdio wrote:
Ben,

I have a policy about dealing with simpletons. Would you like to know what it is? You should. It's about to hit close to home.

The price of this order just went up. Please add 10% buffoon tax to the last total I gave you. (I know, I know. You can't do basic math, right?) Your new price is $5,956.50.

That's $5,956.50 for "the unit". And of course to you, "the unit" means 3 winter pool covers that you'll be using at your hotel in the desert where the lowest temperatures of the year hover in the mid 70s.

I'm having a sale on parkas too. Are you interested?

Go ahead and forward me the freight company contact info. Now I'm curious. Surely there can't be TWO groups of ignoramuses in Ghana.

Quisby Forsooth

On 12-4-09, Ben Gates wrote:
Hi Quisby,

Thanks so much for the response.

Here is the freight company's information with the delivery address.

Email - giantsea.shippersinc@gmail.com

Delivery Address :
John Befort
1039 Coconut Ave,
Te-me , Ghana 00233.

Please go ahead and contact the freight company now and find out the shipping costs to the address above and Add it to the total cost of the Winter pool cover so that I can provide you with Credit Card details for you to charge the total amount for the Winter pool cover plus shipping.

Regards

Mr,Gates.

On 12-5-09, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear Giant Sea Shipper Inc.,

I prematurely assumed that your company was headquartered in Ghana. You can read this in the emails I copied to you (below). I apologize for this slight. I meant no immediate disrespect. I am aware that shippers are especially sensitive to being associated with Ghana due to the horrible reputation that the people of Ghana have.

For unlike the people of Ghana, I'm sure you bathe regularly, you don't eat roaches, and your mother is a human female.

Regarding the shipment of this order for Mr. (?) Ben Gates, the delivery address is below. The total weight of this shipment is 540 lbs. and will be contained on one pallet, 42" x 42" x 38" high.

I suggest you take advantage of this Ben Gates since he is an imbecile of the highest order. Whatever your true shipping charges are, you should triple or quadruple them. I myself have quadrupled my price to him. I may even double that price again. I have found that this Gates fellow is about as stupid as blank page, without half the potential.

Please get back to me with the costs ASAP. I might as well take advantage of this asshole before the Christmas spirit overwhelms me.

Thank you.

Quisby Forsooth

On 12-10-09, Vladdio wrote:
Ben,

Your shipper hasn't informed me of the freight costs yet.

Is there a problem?

Quisby

On 12-13-09, the shipper wrote:
Thank you Quisby ,

Thank you for you email,Am sorry for the delay.I will like to have your address where the items will be picked up from.Hope to hear from you.

Giant Sea Shippers.
Secretary
Christopher Lee

On 12-13-09, Ben Gates wrote:
Quisby,

Good Morning,How are you doing?Am sorry i was out of town and i couldn't check my email to reply you back.Hope to hear from you.

Thanks,

Mr, Gates

On 12-13-09, Vladdio wrote:
Ben,

I contacted the shipper (see below).

Then I contacted you (see below).

I'm not sure if there's a language barrier at fault here or a intelligence barrier or maybe it's a species barrier.

The covers are still available, but the price went up. Not for everybody; just for you. Up to now the price was $5,956.50 excluding shipping. I'm adding another 10% buffoon tax. That brings your price to $6,552.15.

Congratulations! On my list of All-Star feeble-minded customers, you made the top spot. In fact, even this early in our business relationship, I feel it's safe to retire your number. Do you want to know what your number is? ZERO!

If you could send me a photograph of yourself, that would be awesome. Right now every time I try to imagine what you look like, I see image of a very ugly clown.

FIND OUT WHAT'S TAKING THE SHIPPER SO LONG WITH THE PRICE!

Can you do that? (geez!)

Quisby

On 12-13-09, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear Mr. Lee,

The pick up location is:

5600 Baba Ganoush Blvd.
Garbanzo, ME 04330

Quisby

On 12-14-09, the shipper wrote:
Dear Valued Customer,

Thanks a lot for contacting us in regards of the pick up.Well after calculation and viewing for such Weight as it as Specified by You ,We have gotten the freight quote for this shipment transporting the product from your location to the camp in west African the shipping fee will be $2,250.45 including all handling fees and loading.
That is .................................................

1} Shipping from 5600 Baba Ganoush Blvd.Garbanzo, Maine. 04330 to JFK is $750.

2} Shipping from JFK to Airport in Accra,Ghana,00233 and Customs clearance:$1,500.45.
The complete total of shipping becomes $2,250.45

As at now the company only accepts Full payment via Money Gram and the full payment has to be paid by the pickup address thus the lot where the unit is to be picked up. I am the Freight and Logistics Manager here handling your query and so you could get back to me as soon as you need any other information. Payment will have to be made to the accounting department in Ghana and below is the address where the payment of freight must be made to :

Samuel Bebli
869 Fanofa Street
Accra-North
00233-Ghana

You can go ahead and send the payment and get back to us with the payment information to enable us schedule the pick up request ! asap.We will be glad to take care of your shipping needs.
Giant Sea Shippers.
Secretary
Christopher Lee

On 12-15-09, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Mr. Lee,

I stopped calling you Giant Sea Shipper Inc. when I learned your real name. Is it too much to ask that you address me as Quisby.

(Is everybody involved in this sale a complete moron?)

I'm waiting for the credit card information from that other moron, Ben Gates. I get the feeling that you two guys must talk to each other often. I can just picture you picking the bugs off of each other's scalp. So talk to him and let him know I'm waiting - STILL WAITING! - for his credit card. Tell him it's that little plastic card that he's been using to scrape the dog food out of the can. I can't imagine him eating anything else.

Waiting.........

Quisby

On 12-15-09, Ben Gates wrote:
Hi,

Thank you for the email.I will like to know if the shipper has contacted you,if yes me know so I can do the payment.hope to hear from

Thank,

Mr.Gates

On 12-16-09, Vladdio wrote:
Ben,

Did the shipper contact me yet? Duh!

Let's see.... hmmm.... He might have. What does he look like?

I think you should increase your medication. Is there even medication for stupidity? If there is, you should buy it by the barrel. I wouldn't worry about overdosing. What's the worst that could happen? You can't damage you brain to a point where there would be noticeable change.

Ding!
Ding!
Ding!

Time for another price increase!

Quisby

Washing Their Hands in the Toilet

...with Elephants in their houses.

From: Alexandr Williams
Sent: Tue, Nov 17, 2009 6:39 am
Subject: PLEASE GIVE THIS MESSAGE AN URGENT ATTENTION

Hello future partner,

Please pardon the abruptness of this letter; it is due to its urgency. This letter is personal, intimate and confidential. There will absolutely be great doubt and distrust in your heart in respect of this email, coupled with the fact that so many miscreants have taken possession of the Internet to facilitate their nefarious deeds, hereby making it extremely difficult for genuine purposes. There is no other way for me to know whether I will be properly understood, but I have to reach out to you for I know that there will be one that can be trusted.
My names are Alexandra Williams, the chief accountant of Williams and Williams auditing firm. Our principal staff worked along with selected auditors from other auditing firm and senior Central Bank of Nigeria staff to carry out the recent close auditing of some banks, and in the course of the assignment , I stumbled on the original file and documentations which was used by Mrs. Cecelia Ibru, Dele Oye, and associates to siphon money out of Oceanic Bank to a special account in foreign bank. She was just granted reprieve [bail] by EFCC after she was sacked by the Central Bank of Nigeria but the associates are still on the run. Check the story below: http://www.sunnewsonline.com/webpages/news/national/2009/aug/31/national-31-08-2009-01.htm
and the report of United nation on Nigeria due to corruption on August 22nd 2009: http://www.sunnewsonline.com/webpages/news/national/2009/aug/22/national-22-08-2009-01.htm
The money is USD950, 000.00 [Nine hundred and fifty thousand United States dollars]. All you do is send your full name, phone/fax, country and profession so I can use it to reprogram the documents, and get letter of administration in your name from High Court and you choose the method of receiving the fund. I will then travel to meet you at our country later, for the sharing which will be 50 - 50. Please get back to me quickly through my email: alexandraoye@googlemail.com for us to proceed as I believe every thing will not exceed 15 banking working days to get concluded.

Sincerely,

Alexandra Williams.

On 11/18/09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Ms. Williams,

Are you sure this is all legitimate?

If it is, how would I get involved?

- Gadfly Beefmonger
- no phone # yet
- USA
- Transportation Consultant


On 11-22-09, Oye Alexandra wrote:
Hello Gadfly,

Thank you very much for your willingness to work with me. What ever information I had given in my previous mail was very factual and correct. Why I did not report this matter to the authorities is that the information’s we have given them in the past were not never given attention to and in most cases at the end they will still transfer the money out secretly.

Sorry for the slight delay in getting the facts across to you. As you are aware this is not a child’s play and therefore should be followed with strictest manner. I had to use exactly the way and manner they siphon the money out of the country without suspicion and apply it in our own. Meanwhile the process is of five methods namely:

1. Original Contract agreement between The Contractor (Yourself) with FBN & ASSOCIATES (their personal company). Sometimes the Contractor does not exist.

2. Certificate of Job Completion issued to the Contractor.

3. Letter of Administration from Federal High Court.

4. Affidavit of Facts and Claims.

and

5. A United Nation Certificate of Non Criminal Origin.

As it stands now 1. & 2. are to be submitted to the bank by FBN & Associates. While, 3. 4. 5. are to be submitted to the Bank by yourself if the Bank ask for such documents. I have already applied and paid for all the Original documents 3. 4. and 5. dully endorsed by the relevant Authorities.

What you do now is write to the holding Bank with the information below, and tell Mr. Cole Smith that you executed a job with FBN & Associates Ltd 9th floor Elephant House Lagos Island Nigeria, with reference number: FMP/FMP/JP69/94/08 worth US$950,000.00 and wish to be paid. (I have procured and attached all the documents in reference.) and that FBN and Associates has already informed them and have submitted your payment instruction to them as well. Mr. Cole Smith is the International remittance Manager of the Bank based on the information in this file and is responsible for transferring the money to whom ever they instructed. Please don’t do anything to make Mr. Smith suspect that you are not from Mr. Dele Oye , the chairman of Abuja Chambers of Commerce and Industry.

All the information’s required from the Bank from FBN & Associates including using the company’s seal to endorse the relevant documents and send to the Bank has been carefully effected.

BANK NAME: ABN AMRO BANK LONDON
BANK ADDRESS: NORFOLK HOUSE 1ST FLOOR, 31, ST. JAMES'S SQUARE, LONDON SW1Y 4JJ, UK.

CONTACT PERSON: MR. COLE SMITH

Telephone: +44 (703) 597 2354
Facsimile: +44 (700) 601 9305

EMAIL: cole.smith@abnamrogroups.com

Please hasten to contact the Bank to enable us have this money transferred to your account immediately.

Stay blessed with your family as we make this Christmas a memorable one. Please be sincere with me when the money is transferred to you. After writing the Bank please give me a copy. Please just do as instructed there is not risk involved on your side.

Sincerely,

Alexandra Williams.

On 11-23-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Ms. Williams,

I think I can do this. I really do.

It looks very complicated and it looks like there's a lot of reading involved, and maybe a lot of typing and stuff like that but I can read and I can type and, yes I think I shouldn't have too much trouble doing that. Yes, it looks Ok to me. I can also keep a secret and this is one of my favorite skills: secret-keeping. (There aren't any bees involved in this, are there? I hate bees. I got stung on the lip about a month ago. Hurt like hell. I'll never put my head in another trash can for as long as I live. I swear to God!)

So I'm supposed to type to this guy Cole Smith and tell Mr. Cole Smith that you executed a job with FBN & Associates Ltd 9th floor Elephant House Lagos Island Nigeria, with reference number: FMP/FMP/JP69/94/08 worth US$950,000.00 and wish to be paid.. Is that right?

This seems easy enough and I'm glad I only have to type to him and not call him on the telephone. I think if I had to say "Elephant House" over the phone I might bust up laughing. (Are there really elephants in the house?)

Thanks for trusting me to do this job, Ms. Williams. Not too many people trust me like that. That's why I call myself a transportation consultant. It sounds better than "I tell people where to catch the bus when they ask me".

You'll see. This'll go great!

Gadfly

On 11-23-09, Vladdio wrote (and copied to Oye Alexandra):
Mr. Cole Smith,

I'm telling you right now that I executed a job with FBN & Associates Ltd 9th floor Elephant House Lagos Island Nigeria, with reference number: FMP/FMP/JP69/94/08 worth US$950,000.00 and I wish to be paid.

Here's your own information that I know about:

BANK NAME: ABN AMRO BANK LONDON
BANK ADDRESS: NORFOLK HOUSE 1ST FLOOR, 31, ST. JAMES'S SQUARE, LONDON SW1Y 4JJ, UK.

CONTACT PERSON: MR. COLE SMITH

Telephone: +44 (703) 597 2354
Facsimile: +44 (700) 601 9305

EMAIL: cole.smith@abnamrogroups.com

You should also know that I am from Mr. Dele Oye , the chairman of Abuja Chambers of Commerce and Industry.

I gotta ask. Mr. Cole, are there really elephants in that house?

Hey Ms. Williams! How's that? That OK?

Gadfly

On 11-24-09, Oye Alexandra wrote:
Hello Villadio,
Is this your real name because the bank will be using it to transfer the money to your account.
Otherwise you will have to give the bank your actual name for the transfer and state that your first name was for the your company.

Sincerely,

Alexandra williams


-----Original Message-----
From: ABN AMRO BANK [mailto:cole.smith@abnamrogroups.com]
Sent: Tuesday, November 24, 2009 7:04 AM
To: Vladdio
Subject: Attn: Mr. Gadfly Beefmonger

Attn: Mr. Gadfly Beefmonger

Dear Sir,

Find attached to this email documents (A Letter and Form) in regards to the Transfer of your funds as instructed by FBN AND ASSOCIATES to your local bank account.

However, please be informed that you are required by this Bank to complete the attached Form and return it back to us with a copy of your identification to enable us complete your payment to your local bank account.

Looking forward to hearing from you to enable us serve you better.

Thank you,

Mr. Cole Smith
For and On Behalf of
ABN AMRO BANK.

Mr. Cole Smith
Head,Foreign Transfer Department
Tel : +44 703 597 2354
Fax : +44 700 601 9305
Email: cole.smith@abnamrogroups.com
ABN AMRO BANK is authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority.

On 11-24-09, Oye Alexandra wrote:
Hello my friend,

You seems very funny, but I am happy you have accepted
to work with me because money is beng siphoned out on daily bases especiall the politicians.

There is a detergent company in Nigeria Called elephant soap, they manufacture different kinds of toilet soap and detergent and they build 10 story buildng in Lagos Island
the hub of economy in Nigeria as there head office.

And because they use elephant as there logo on the packaging signifying "greatness" they now called the gigantic edifice elephant house just to promote their product. I will get you a picture of the deterget as things goes on.

So I hope you get the jist now.

FBN & ASSOCIATES one of the compaies owned by both MRS IBRU and MR DELE OYE are occupyng the 9th floor of the building as the human resorces and management office.

Sincerey,

Your good business patner to be,

Alexandra Williams.

On 11-25-09, Vladdio wrote:
Mr. Cole Smith,

I looked at the attachment you attached to the email you sent and something's really wrong with it.

Take a look at it yourself and see if you can fix it and sent it back to me. The bottom half of the page is GRAY; kind of like ALL GRAY. And there's nothing to fill out. No questions, no lines, no nothing.

I want everything to go right with this transaction thing. (I think Ms. Williams likes me!)

Try it out again.

Gadfly

On 11-25-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Ms. Williams (can I call you Alexandra!),

I got a form sent to me by that guy, Cole Smith, and it was all screwed up. NOT MY FAULT!! Honest to God! So I sent it back to him to see it he could make any sense out of it.

When I get it back I'll fill it out and sent it back to him. Jeez! It's getting complicated already.

Thanks for the explanation about the elephants. I'm surprised to know that this whole transaction mission has an elephant expert on it. But if there had to be an elephant expert, I'm glad it's you.

The toilet soap thing is disgusting. Every time I ever put my hands in the toilet, I washed them with soap afterwards right away. I would never wash my hands IN the toilet. I guess customs are different in places like Nigeria. My mom used to tell me we should be accepting of different cultures so if you people want to wash your hands in the toilet, that's fine with me. It's disgusting, but it's fine with me.

Gadfly

On 11-30-09, Cole Smith wrote:
Attn: Mr. Gadfly Beefmonger

Dear Sir,

Find attached to this email again documents (A Letter and Form) in regards to the Transfer of your funds as instructed by FBN AND ASSOCIATES to your local bank account.

However, please be informed that you are required by this Bank to complete the attached Form and return it back to us with a copy of your identification to enable us complete your payment to your local bank account.

Finally, you can type out your full banking and your contact details and send to us immediately if you find it difficult downloading the attachment so we can process and release your funds to your bank account.

Looking forward to hearing from you to enable us serve you better.

Thank you,

Mr. Cole Smith
For and On Behalf of
ABN AMRO BANK.

Mr. Cole Smith
Head, Foreign Transfer Department.
Tel : +44 703 597 2354 +44 703 597 2354
Fax : +44 700 601 9305
Email: cole.smith@abnamrogroups.com
Private Email: cole2smith@live.com
ABN AMRO BANK Is Authorised And Regulated By The Financial Services Authority.

On 11-30-09, Vladdio wrote (and copied to Cole Smith):
Hi Alexandra,

That Cole guy sent me some forms to fill out and I don't know where to start with them. So I attached them to this email. This guy must think I'm a banking genius or something. I mean what the hell is a Swift Code or a IBAN Number. And am I the beneficiary? How could I be? Isn't somebody supposed to die first? And who?

All I know is that when my Uncle Petro died, my mom was the beneficiary and she got about $16 million dollars because she was the only person alive related to Uncle Petro. Besides me. (She got a nose job, all of her teeth replaced, dancing lessons, and a boatload of new friends.)

But anyway, if you could take a look at these forms and tell me that it's all OK and tell me what I should fill out and all, that'll be great.

Thanks.

Gadfly

PS. Please tell me that you don't wash your hands in the toilet. I can't get that image out of my head.

On 12-13-09, Vladdio wrote:
So come on! When do I get my money?

My mom says you're both probably pissed off about that toilet remark but I told her that anybody who washes their hands in the toilet probably isn't that sensitive about it. And anyway, with all of the elephant problems you've got over there, avoiding toilet floaters is probably not very high on your list of priorities. Am I right?

Got any elephant pictures? Got any toilet pictures?

So....! Are you guys gonna help me or not?

Gadfly