The Large-Headed Woman in a Comma Scam

...yes, COMMA.

From: David Larry [mailto:goodmanheart07@gmail.com]
Sent: Thursday, November 19, 2009 11:41 AM
To: xxxxx@aol.com
Subject: Fence Order
Dear Sales,

Am David and i want to Place an Order for some Fence Pick-Up at your Stores.

Let me Know the Price for the Fence Item Listed Below:

Privacy w/ Lattice Top 36 Inch High x 72 Inch Wide Panel
Vinyl Fencing - Privacy With Lattice - Solid Tongue & Groove - 36" High X 72" Wide (66" Coverage) Section
Width: 72 Inch Wide
Height: 36 Inch High
Color: White

Vinyl Pool Fence
5' High x 8' Wide with midrail
Color: White

If Not Let me Know what Fencing you Carry in store.

Advise what Terms of Payment Option you Accepts

Regards

David

On 11-19-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. David,

Thank you for your interest in our fence, fence hardware, parts, service, taxidermy instruction, and voice lessons.

The following are the prices you requested:

Privacy w/ Lattice Top 36 Inch High x 72 Inch Wide Panel - $89 per panel. You will need 15. That's $1335
Vinyl Fencing - Privacy With Lattice - Solid Tongue & Groove - 36" High X 72" Wide (66" Coverage) Section - $99 per panel. You will need 2. That's $198

Width: 72 Inch Wide
Height: 36 Inch High
Color: White - White is available at a premium price - ADD 8%. That's $1068

Vinyl Pool Fence
5' High x 8' Wide with midrail
Color: White - White is available at a premium price - ADD 8%. That's $15.84

Your total price for this order is $2,616.84. And everything is in stock.

Our store is open 24 hours for all of your emergency fencing needs.

We accept ALL major credit cards, cash, personal checks, and barter.

Hoping to see you soon, I am:

Cyrus "High C" Manowar
General manager and head voice instructor

On 11-20-09, David Larry wrote:
I am very grateful for your time and efforts through out the processing of this order,But it is unfortunate to inform you that i had bad day yesterday my wife got herself into a terrible accident and she is suffering from kidney infection so she need to flight out of the states to Germany for her operation.

Meanwhile this Fence Order is meant to be delivered to a sister Church in West-Africa.
So I would like you to email the Freight Company with the approximate weight of the Fence Order and your address and get me the freight charges for delivering the Fence Order to the address below:

SHIP TO ADDRESS:
REV MATTHEW BANSON
(WORLD MIRACLE CHURCH)
352 LEMON ST
ACCRA,GHANA 00233.
WEST-AFRICA.

Below is the Contact Information of the Freight Company.

FREIGHT COMPANY : Blue Sea Way Shipping Company
EMAIL ADDRESS : blueseawayshippingcompany@gmail.com
PHONE NUMBER: + 233-245-670418

After you get the freight charges please email me Together with the Order Charges and the Freight as well and I will provide you with my credit card to run for the charges together and Have Payment Made to the Freight Company for Them to come and Pick-Up The Order as soon as Possible

Hope to read from you soon.

David.

On 11-20-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

Our thoughts and prayers go out to you and your wife. Upon receiving this terrible news, I gathered up all 45 employees on our company and conducted a community invocation on behalf of your wife. This was followed by a group hug, a crying session, and the sacrifice of a rodent.

We recently had a similar incident in my family. My father was involved in an trolley accident which resulted in a kidney infection. (This is more common than the general public is aware.) My father wallowed in the throes of hysterical hallucinations for 4 days, but, fortunately, recovered. The only noticeable consequence of his illness is his inability to use a spatula and a peculiar aversion to people with dimples.

I hope your wife fares better.

I will contact your shipping company immediately.

Thank you for your order.

Cyrus

On 11-20-09, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear Blue Sea Way Shipping Company,

Please take note of the details in the following series of emails regarding a fence order from David Larry. You will be the shipper for this order.

The following lists the information you require:
- Weight of total order: 30,250 lbs.
- Address of pick-up location:
4400 Sandy Pudding Road
Open Wound, Arizona 85087 (USA)

As you can see from the most recent email from Mr. David, his wife has had a serious accident. I did not mention this to him because I didn't want to upset him but I know for a fact that due to the kidney infection, his wife will never be the same again. When this happened to my father, his head blew up to 3 times its normal size. It was very difficult finding a suitable hat for him. And, of course, ALL of his t-shirts and turtle neck sweaters became completely useless.

I tell you this only so you know first, not to mention this to him and second, to get your money up front. He's going to wind up paying so much for custom-made eyeglasses for a 3' diameter head that he will likely have to mortgage his house or business.

Thank you for understanding.

Cyrus "High C" Manowar

On 11-20-09, David Larry wrote:
Wow That you Very Much and am Happy to Hear from you

Let me Know if you Hear from the Freight Company

David

From: Isreal Kodo [mailto:blueseawayshippingcompany@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, November 20, 2009 7:28 AM
To: Vladdio
Subject: Re: FW: Fence Order

Dear Value Customer,

Thank you for your interest in using Blue Sea Way International Shipping Company for your shipping needs.We checked on shipping of The Fencing Order Below:

Item Description:
Fencing Order

Privacy w/ Lattice Top 36 Inch High x 72 Inch Wide Panel
Vinyl Fencing - Privacy With Lattice - Solid Tongue & Groove - 36" High X 72" Wide
Vinyl Pool Fence
5' High x 8' Wide with midrail
Total Weight:30,250 lbs.

Pick-Up Location:
4400 Sandy Pudding Road
Open Wound, Arizona
85087 USA

Deliver To:
REV MATTHEW BANSON
(WORLD MIRACLE CHURCH)
352 LEMON ST
ACCRA,GHANA 00233.
WEST-AFRICA.
And its going to cost $2,550.14 Us Dollars . That includes , international airway taxes (I.A.T), Tariffs and custom's clearance duties. It takes approximately 3 to 5 days days for delivery from the day of pick-up.

We will also like you to know that for you being the shipper you are the one supposed to make the payment to us. The only method of payment we accept is via Western Union Money Transfer to our financial manager in the delivery location. The information you require to be able to transfer the funds to us is below:

Name : Isreal Kodo
Address : 159 Ring Road Central
Zip code : 00233
City : Accra
Country : Ghana

You need to go to the western union with the cash of the shipping funds and the address above specified to send payment through.Before we come and pick it up The Fence Order you will have to email us with the Western Union Money Transfer Receipt information which shows:

1.Senders full name
2, MTCN control number 10 digits
3, Secret Question and Answer.

All the above information's are on the Receipt and the question and answer will come from you which can be any question and answer as you choose.
As soon as we receive payment ,we will let u know and fax you with the receipt to your fax number which contains the shipment tracking number and the time for the pick up and shipment.
Before we can provide that we need to get a payment confirmation details requested above and don't hesitate to contact us if you need any more assistance .We look forward to serving you to your fullest satisfaction.

If you have any question don't hesitate to contact us.
Best Regards,

Mr.Isreal Kodo
Head Of Shipping
Blue Sea Way
Shipping Co.Ltd

Tel:+233-245-670418
011233245670418

On 11-20-09, Isreal Kodo (the "shipper") wrote:
We Need your Phone Number and Fax number as well

Thank you Very Much .

If you have any question don't hesitate to contact us.
Best Regards,

Mr.Isreal Kodo
Head Of Shipping
Blue Sea Way
Shipping Co.Ltd

Tel:+233-245-670418
011233245670418

On 11-20-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

I'm forwarding this email from the shipper to you. As you can see the shipping charges for the fence is $2,550.14. Together with the fence costs of $2,616.84 the total is $5,166.99.

How will you be paying for this?

By the way, I'd like to send some flowers to your wife at the German hospital. I set up a jar to take up a collection and so far - just this morning - we raised over $400. This will probably increase as the day goes on. The people here and all of the others in this industrial park are very sympathetic to your plight. And since everyone has to pass our reception area, I expect many, many people will see the jar and make contributions. They did the same thing for my father. I was going to get anybody who gave some money to sign a Get Well card but I soon realized that I'd need a bigger card. And the women in accounting have started making a quilt and asked me to find out you wife's favorite colors. (Please let me know ASAP - they tend to put a lot of pressure on me about things like this.)

I hope all else is well.

Cyrus

On 11-20-09, David Larry wrote:
Thank you and Let me Know if you Can Run the Full Charges on my Credit Card and Help Have Payment Made to the Freight Company .

Advise

David

On 11-20-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

It's not our normal way of processing orders but in light of your present personal problems, I think we can make an exception.

By the way, there's now well over $1,300 in the contribution bucket. (I had to replace the jar with a 5 gallon bucket because there's just too much money.) We're all working this weekend and I'm curious to see how much there will be by Monday. One of the IT guys posted a message on Twitter to see if we get an even better response. If your wife is conscious, please tell her we're all praying for her.

And I hope I'm not being out of turn here, but I told one of the lunch mothers at the Chubby Child Day Care that you probably did have young children and that it would be nice if they could collect some useful items for them. Those ladies are saints. I know they'll come through for you.

Let me know where we can send this stuff. I know you're overseas right now, with your wife in Germany, but when you get back to the states we'd like to help make the recovery a little easier.
If you can, please let me know which hospital your wife is in, and also what her name is, so I can send her a nice bunch of flowers and some breath mints and a large veil.

God Bless You, David.

Cyrus

On 11-21-09, David Larry wrote:
Cyrus,

Thank you Very Much for your Concern and am happy to hear that from you .

My Wife is in Comma Now After the Surgery Made On Her and Thanks for the Rose But am sorry she Can not accepts Them Now .

Let me Know if you are Ready to Run My Master Card Now and Have Payment Made to the Freight Company .

Am Waiting to Hear from you and Thanks for Praying for my Wife .

God is in Control

Advise

David

On 11-21-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

When I read your email aloud to the group who are in here working today, there was a audible "gasp" when I came the word, "COMMA". Some of the older women began sobbing and one of our older assembly workers had to leave the room. His own memories of what happened to my father when he went into a, comma, caused an emotional seizure in this man. We packed his hands and feet in ice to try to alleviate his shivers. It didn't seem to work and in fact the shivers got worse.

Please know that we all praying for her.

And I know it's not my place to give medical advice, but I'd like you to mention to her doctor an experimental treatment that they did on my father which, though radical and strange, turned out successful. When my father was in a, comma, a friend recommended a practitioner of alternative medicine who came to the hospital and did three things. First he instructed everyone who entered my father's room to wear wool hats that had been soaked in a garlic poultice. And cloves of raw garlic were strewn about the room. As you may know - and if you don't, you can look it up - garlic has herbal properties that supplement the healing process. Secondly, he instructed us to speak only in a very high almost-squeaky voice whenever we were in the room and especially when we spoke directly to my father although he was, of course, unconscious. The idea here was that people, even when they are in a, comma, can still hear sounds, and the higher the pitch of a voice, the better they can hear. Also your words to you wife should be encouraging. And thirdly, and this is the most unusual one, have someone always be banging on a tambourine in the room. The Hopi Indians believed that the tambourine was like God's doorbell and that God would answer the door when He heard it. But since He would be distracted by the supplications of others, the banging on the tambourine must be constant so as to keep His attention and His advocacy.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm interfering, but the memories of my father's struggle are still so fresh in my mind. I become emotionally involved.

As to your credit card, yes, please send the information to us now.

Keep well, David.

Cyrus.

PS. The contribution bucket now has over $2000 in it and I've been told that the Twitter pledges are rising also. Nate, our IT guy, says there's about $2000 in that too. And our accounting ladies said to tell you that they've decided to use Mauve as the color in the quilt since Mauve is the color of healing to the Hopi Indians.

On 11-21-09, David Larry wrote:
Go Ahead Now and Split the Grand Total On My Master Card Below and Have Payment Made to the Freight Company as soon as possible.

Bill To:
David Potakey
2000 Old Spanish Trl,
Slidell, LA 70458
Tel: Hearing Disability

Name On Card........................ David Potakey
Card #...................................... xxxxxxxxxxxx6317
Date......................................... 10-2010
Cvv.......................................... 324

Name On Card........................ David Potakey
Card #...................................... xxxxxxxxxxxx5046
Date......................................... 10-2010
Cvv.......................................... 202

After you Have Made Payment to Blue Sea way Let me Have the Receipt for the Payment Made to the Freight Company as well as the Order Receipts as well

Am Waiting to Hear from you

David

On 11-21-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

I feel absolutely terrible for what I said in my last email about the high pitch talking and the tambourine banging. I had no idea that you have a hearing disability.

I feel horrible for sounding like such an insensitive jerk to you. And especially now when your wife is in a comma.

And the fact that I am a singing instructor, a concert pianist, a grandmaster on the US Whistling team, and a world-renown champion tenor makes my offensive remarks all the more unforgivable.

But please forgive me.

I've processed your credit card as you requested. The first card (ending in 6317) was for the amount of $2,583.49 - Approval code is #1151BS. The second card (ending in 5046) was for the amount of $2,583.50 - Approval code 5453BS. The total is $5,166.99. Let me know your fax number so I can fax you copies of the receipts.

The funds will not enter my account until Monday; Tuesday at the latest. You can instruct the shipper to schedule the pick-up for Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday. If you'd like, I can contact them myself. Please let me know which you prefer.

By the way, I just spent the last few minutes counting the money in the bucket and the total now stands at $2,552.75. And even now I hear more coins and bills dropping into it. And Nate has informed me that the Twitter Fund raiser has pledges totaling $3,175.00. That's a total of $5,727.75. If these funds weren't going to be used for your wife's medical care and recovery, I would have suggested we use it to cover the fence order. But of course, it's more important to keep the two things separate.

There's no rush but when you get a chance, let me know where you'd like these fund sent. To the hospital? To the doctors? Or directly to you? There's still time, unless you need help right away.

I also wanted to mention that the Day Care I told you about so far has collected 4 large bags of stuffed animals and - I hope these don't go to waste - 8 cartons of disposable diapers. We'll wait until you're home back in Louisiana before we ship them to you.

I'm going to assume that your wife's condition hasn't changed so I won't ask about her, but please keep me informed of her progress. We all really want to know.

Thanks.

Cyrus

On 11-21-09, David Larry wrote:
Hello Cyrus,

Thank you for your Kind Effort and Prayers and all the Did you Done and God will Bless you so Much.

I want you to Attach the Receipt and send me Via email with the Payment of the Freight Fee Thus the Western Union Payment Receipt as well .

And I want you to Contact The Freight Company Now and Let Them Know if you Have Made Payment to Them and when are you Doing to Make the Payment.

For My Wife Condition Now I Know God Do Things in His Own Way and am Very Great Full and am Just Hard from the Doctor That My Wife will Make it and we are all Praying for That.

Am Waiting for the Receipt for the Western Union Payment as well as the Order Receipts

God Bless you

David

On 11-21-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

I'm afraid this will have to wait until Monday. I was just about to head home when I saw your email appear on my screen.

The Western Unions here in Arizona close up early during the autumn because of the severe sandstorms, the giant sandworm attacks, and the ball lightning. I would try to get to one tomorrow but the weather forecast calls for severe hail storms. I can usually handle the hail storms because I have a steel reinforced Fedora and 1" thick shoulder pads, but those storms are almost always followed by worm attacks. And I'm getting too old for that nonsense.

I hope you don't mind waiting until Monday.

I meant to ask you, David, is your last name "Larry" or "Potakey"? I only ask because I want to know how write the check. David Larry or David Potakey.

The last I heard from Maximo, my secretary, the contribution bucket total is at $2,700 or so. I might send you the money directly as a check on Monday. If more money comes in after that we'll just send it later.

Also, I'm glad to hear that the doctors think your wife is going to make it. I'll let my people know. They'll be so relieved. You'll see, before you know it she'll be home with your children, caring for them just as she did before. I hope your children are strong enough to ignore the taunts that other children might make about the size of your wife's head. My father doesn't even like to venture out during the day because of the comments he hears about his head. Children can be so cruel.

Stand strong, Brother David, God is with you.

Cyrus

On 11-21-09, David Larry wrote:
Cyrus

Since you Said Monday Then i will Like you to Contact the Freight Company and Let Them Know About That to Avoid any Delay Charges.

And for your Contribution Funds you want to send me Via Check i want you to Hold on to it Till we are Done with the Order and i will Let you know how to send it to me Either to my Sister Church for the Orphan's. Donations .

I Have to Go to Back to the Hospital Now .

I will be Waiting for your Next Mail and Try to Go the Payment to the Freight Company Tomorrow to Avoid any Delay Charges.

David

On 11-24-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David

Please forgive the delay in responding to your last email. A tragedy has struck home. My family and my company are even now trying to recover from the intense grief that envelops us.

My father is dead.

It happened yesterday morning. Suddenly and without warning. Nobody saw it coming and that's the sad truth. And it's so, so tragic too, when after all of the recent hardships he suffered though, he was plucked from us like a bad grape. We were told that there was nothing anyone could have done; it all happened so fast. But what is really sad is that he died alone. No one was there to hear his last words, to see the last expression on his face. I can only imagine what he must have been thinking. He probably died in pain and he probably wished he'd had a gun to end his suffering faster. He was probably wishing that he was with us. He was probably wishing that he was sitting in his favorite chair drink a strawberry double zombie - his favorite drink. He was probably wishing.... oh, what's the point. He's dead now and that's all that matters. Why did he have to die? Why did he have to go wandering out into the desert? He must have known the sandworms were feeding out there....

(sigh) I'll contact your shipper tomorrow.

Cyrus

...I'm forlorn and distracted. I forgot to ask about your own predicament. How is your wife? Well, I hope. Please let her know that up until my father's hasty demise, her fate was foremost in our collective minds. Tell her that the money we have collected now amounts to about $8,400.... (sigh)

On 11-23-09, Isreal Kodo (the "shipper") wrote:
Hello

We Still Have Not Hear from you Yet...

If you have any question don't hesitate to contact us.
Best Regards,

Mr.Isreal Kodo
Head Of Shipping
Blue Sea Way
Shipping Co.Ltd

Tel:+233-245-670418
011233245670418

On 11-25-09, Isreal Kodo (the "shipper") wrote:
Hello Cyrus,

We Still Have Not Hear from you Yet...

If you have any question don't hesitate to contact us.
Best Regards,

Mr.Isreal Kodo
Head Of Shipping
Blue Sea Way
Shipping Co.Ltd

Tel:+233-245-670418
011233245670418

On 11-25-09, Vladdio wrote to the “shipper”:
Dear Mr. Kodo,

I copied much of my correspondence with Mr. David Larry below, to give you an idea of what has been happening regarding the shipment, the fatal condition of Mrs. Larry, and the horrible death of my father by hungry rogue giant sandworms.

The fence material is now packaged and palletted and waiting for your truck. However an issue has developed over David's credit card charges. It seems that in my haste to process this order my math was inaccurate. The total of the invoice was supposed to be $5,166.98 and not $5,166.99 as I stated in a previous email. It was only a penny difference and in truth I should have just overlooked it. Even if it was an overcharge. My bookkeeper however is - I thought - a stickler for detail and voided the charge on the second credit card, the one ending in 5046 for the amount of $2,583.50. She figured she could very simply re-run the card for the correct amount: $2,583.49. When she tried to do this, she received a "Code 5 - Red Dragon" alert on the credit card machine and the machine was frozen. Within a half hour we were visited by an agent from the Justice Department who took my bookkeeper into custody. I don't really understand why, although when I tried to ask, he threatened me with physical harm. Since he had already handcuffed the bookkeeper, removed her wig, tied her shoelaces together, and hot-branded her forehead with a large "Code 5 - Red Dragon", I backed off.

By the way, before the Justice Department agent left, he donated $25 to Mrs. Larry's contribution bucket.

What this means is that only half of the total invoice has been paid. I can't allow pick-up until the rest has been paid. And since the agent put my credit card machine in the toilet and taped off the area to prevent access, I have no way to process the rest of the order... and my employees have resorted to bedpans and buckets.

I put a call in to my lawyer to address the matter immediately, but he's worm-hunting this week (how ironic).

As soon as I know what's going on, I'll wire the shipping costs to you.

Thank you for your patience.

Cyrus

On 11-25-09, David Larry wrote:
Am Very Sorry to Hear That and is God That Gives and Him That Takes and i want you to be strong and god do this in his own way and what Ever Happen in Life Whether Good or Bad we Have to Give Thanks Always.
As well My Wife Condition is in Critical Moment now and all i need is God Meracle Because they Doctor said they will Have to Transfer my Wife to a Herbalist Doctor .
Please Try and Get Payment Made to the Freight Company Today to Avoid any Delay charges.

And Let me Have the Receipts

Am Waiting to Hear from you

David

On 11-25-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

Thank you for your kind words. I was just finishing a letter to your shipper when I received your email. (See below.)

As I said to him, please be patient while I sort out the new complications of the order and the shipping.

I have to confess that this has not been a good week for me so far.

I'm so glad to hear that you are taking your wife to an herbalist. It's something I was going to recommend but I imposed myself in your personal matters too much already. The truth is that nobody knows better how to deal with commas and kidney infections than herbalists. (And as you know, I alluded to this with my suggestion about the garlic.) My youngest son went to school for 4 years to study herpetology, thinking he would someday be a herbalist. When he graduated with a degree in studying amphibians and reptiles, we were all very disappointed. But no one was more disappointed than my son. I won't even tell you about how my daughter, an amateur jazz vocalist, went all the way to France to study scat.

As I said, please be patient.

Thank you.

Cyrus

On 11-25-09, David Larry wrote:
when are you Going to Get Payment Made to the Freight Company?

On 11-25-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

Please, please be patient. I spoke to my lawyer briefly and he managed to stop the severe interrogation of my bookkeeper (unfortunately too late to save her fingernails and 2 of her toes). She's resting now in the hospital. She will definitely need new shoelaces, and a hat to cover her forehead.

I'll let you know as soon as I can, when I can re-process your credit card. When I do, I'll wire the money to your shipper.

Thanks.

Cyrus

By the way, our fund-raising efforts for your wife have made national news. The wire services must have picked up the story and now it's on the front page of an East Coast newspaper. This might help raise even more money for her. The total now stands at $9,344.00. That includes the Twitter pledges. I hired a temp this morning to handle the calls. It's almost too much of a distraction but I think it's worth it if it gets your wife some quality herbal care. I only wish my father were here to see this.

Have a look: http://bit.ly/5UhTei

Cyrus

On 11-26-09, David Larry wrote:
Cyrus,

Hello any Good News

On 11-26-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

Any Good News? There sure is!!

The press release about your wife's condition - http://bit.ly/5UhTei - and her need for money is spreading around the country like wildfire.

Here's what's been happening:

- I hired another temp to handle the calls and open the envelopes. We've received calls from all over the country as well as far-flung parts of the world. It seems everybody is concerned about your wife. At last count, we've got - now sit down! - $54,980.00!!! Can you believe it! That should pay a really healthy hunk of your medical bills, and the money keeps pouring in! But that's not all...

- we've got calls from 3 kidney infection specialists who are willing to provide FREE herbal care for your wife! No strings attached! They'll even fly to Germany on their own dime to take care of her. But that's not all...

- the state of Alabama has designated December as "State Kidney Infection Awareness Month". AND have decided to name a new wing of the Tuscaloosa Herbal Hospital for the Treatment of Kidney Infections as "The ________ Larry Comma Survivor Building". (They're going to want to know your wife's first name.) But that's not all...

- "The Comma Channel", which is a cable news channel which has 24 hour live broadcasts of comma patients, wants to do a feature on your wife! They'll bring their entire camera crew to Germany to set up 24 hour live coverage of your wife's condition FOR AS LONG AS SHE'S IN A COMMA!!! Do you have any idea what this will mean to the contribution fund? But that's not all...

- The University of New Jersey has created a special college scholarship for your children! That's 4 years of college - TUITION FREE!! And that's for up to 15 children! So if you've only got 8 children now, you can still have 7 more and have their college education paid - forever! But that's not all...

...oh wait! That is all. At least that's all for now.

I have to go now David. I do hope your wife is feeling better.

God Bless the Larry Family!

Cyrus

On 11-26-09, David Larry wrote:
Cyrus I want you to Have Payment Made to the Freight Company that is what am waiting to Hear from you

On 11-26-09, David Larry wrote:
Can you Make Payment to the Shipping Company for them to come and Pick-Up the Order

On 11-28-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

I am still waiting for the credit card machine to dry out. It should be usable by Monday.

On the other matter, I must say that I am beginning to get the distinct feeling that something is amiss at your end. I have asked you several times for your wife's first name, and also the name of the hospital where she is receiving treatment. You have yet to give me that information.

The contributions are now totaling nearly $72,000 and continue to grow. And still I don't know who to have the check made out to: David Larry or David Potakey.

Because I've had very little help or information from you, I took it upon myself to start calling every herbalist in Germany I could find in the phone book. One herbalist, a Dr. Emil Shuffhausen, said he was treating a woman named Carmelita Lawrence from Louisiana. He said her head was almost too wide to fit through a doorway. I am assuming this is your wife. Is it? (And are you aware of what Dr. Shuffhausen charges for his services? How else would you be able to afford him without the contributions of goodhearted people?)

Look, David. I understand if you're too embarrassed about your wife's large head to let her appear on television, but the truth is that people will sympathize with your plight if they do see her. And more contributions will follow.

Stop being so defensive. Give me your real name. Let the cameras roll. Accept the stuffed animals - and for your information I started to donate a large part of the stuffed animal collection to a local homeless shelter. There were just too many of them. We actually had to rent a large truck to haul them away. Now wherever you go in Open Wound, Arizona you're bound to see hungry and despondent young homeless people clutching cuddly teddy bears and the like. It's almost cute.

You'd better start playing along, David. My own reputation could very well become a victim of your inability to deal with the harsh realities of life with a giant-headed woman. I could become a pariah in the business community of my own town.

Cyrus

On 11-29-09, David Larry wrote:
Dear Cyrus,

My Wife Have Been Transfer to Africa a Country Called Ghana for Her Herbal Treatment and infact am in a Total Confusion Now Because the Church am Donating the Fence Too need the Fence Very Urgent and here is the Case you Have Not Make Payment to the Freight Company if you Can Try and Use the Contribution to Make Payment to the Freight Company for them to Pick-Up the Order as soon as possible for the Church Construction.

Secondly my Wife is in Ghana Now in a Herbal Clinic Now and the Native Doctor is Going to start Preparing for Her Medicine on Monday for Speeding Recovery.And i will be Happy if you send the Animal and Stuff to Her in Ghana and Let me Know if you Can Her the Item so that i will Give you the Address to Do That .

And am Planning to Travel to See Her in Ghana On 2nd of December .

So if you Have Anything you want to send i will Like you to send to Her in Ghana.

Thank you Very Much and is Just That Things are Hard and Rough for me But i Know God is in Control

I will be Waiting for your Next email and Let me Know if you Can use some of the Contribution Funds to Make Payment to the Freight Company and when the Machine is Back to usage and we see what we Can do from There and for the Contribution my Wife it to me send to Orphanage in Ghana .

Waiting to Hear from you

David

On 11-29-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

This is very important! Get your wife out of Ghana immediately!

I know you want to do what is best for your wife but I know some things about Ghana that few other people know. I know that the Reverend Matthew Banson is there, tending to his flock at the World Miracle Church but I would expect a minister to put himself at risk in order to serve the Lord and spread the Word. That's understandable.

But PLEASE heed my warning and take my advice before it's too late.

You must know:
- Ghana has more head lice than anywhere in the world. 35 times more than Louisiana!
- the people re-use their toilet paper, sometimes 7 or 8 or more times. Toilet paper is rationed to 6 squares a week and when it can't be used anymore they throw it away and use pipe cleaners.
- it is the only place on the planet where ugliness and stupidity are contagious.
- before Christianity came to Ghana the people worshipped a mythological six-legged dog who spoke to them in belches and hiccups
- it is the one place mentioned in the Bible where the devil goes for an enema
- the Ghanan idea of herbal medicine is licking the sweat off of each other
- the people of Cote D'Ivoire, Burkina Faso, and Togo are, even now, planning to construct a fence topped with razor wire all along the border

Please, David! Get her out of that hell hole!

About the payment to the freight company: as much as I'd like to use some of the donation money for this, I can't. The law is very specific about money raised for herbal treatment. If there were a way, I would. But don't worry. Tomorrow I believe the machine will be back in order. (Of course, it will probably smell of urine - I couldn't keep everybody out of the bathroom - but that's not your problem.)

Also, I thought I'd be sending the stuffed animals to Louisiana and not "the asshole of Africa" as Ghana is commonly called. And here is another little-known fact about Ghana: They actually eat stuffed animals! If this isn't proof of their collective stupidity, nothing is.

I think the contributions are finally tapering off. We're only getting about 50 a day right now. The total now stands at $78,874.75. Also I haven't heard from the camera crew in a few days.

Be glad you're an American, David. If I woke up tomorrow and found out that I was actually from Ghana, I'd throw myself into the spinning gears of a large piece of machinery.

God Bless America and God Bless Mrs. Larry!

Cyrus

On 12-1-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

It is with the most sorrowful regret that I now write this email to you, for I am a broken man.

Yesterday, Monday, I came to my office to find the very death of my company at the hands of a betrayer, my IT associate, Nate.

I learned that after everyone had left on Sunday at noon, Nate had re-entered the office, and had stolen everything. EVERYTHING! He must have been planning it for months. Every work station had been ransacked of everything of any value whatsoever. Computers, coffee machines, adding machines, filing cabinets, husking machines, fanork. Even the now-dry credit card machine - Gone, all gone. $150,000 of petty cash as well as the check books. Even the stash of Cherry Twizzlers I kept hidden in my desk. Photos of me with various dignitaries: Me with Carmen Miranda, me with Doodles Weaver, me with Count Chocula. All gone.

And of course - I know you're waiting for the worst of it - ALL of the contributions for your wife. It seems that even the Twitter pledges had been directed to a foreign bank. And here's the greatest insult: the bank is apparently in Ghana, and out of the reach of US authorities.

I am crushed, David. I don't know what to do, where to turn. I feel like walking out into the desert during a worm mating frenzy, just to end it all.

I don't know when or if I'll ever talk to you again, David. I will probably be arrested. The bank examiners are here now. They're in there talking to Uncle Billy. I know Old Man Potter has been itching to get his hands on this place for a long time. And now I guess that'll happen. What will I tell Mary? (I'm just so glad she doesn't know about Violet.) And the kids. (At least I have Zuzu's petals).

Tell you wife I said I tried. At least I tried.

Your friend,

Cyrus

Farmer Floob and the Run-Away Cow Pie

...but alas, he chose another!

From: John england [mailto:phelppoor@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, October 20, 2009 11:39 AM
Subject: Mail order

On 10-20-09, John England wrote:
I will like to know if you ship to Italy? And you take American Visa Card,Master Card and Discovery Card,personal cheque.

On 10-21-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John England,

Your email was forwarded to me. I understand you're interested in our "Floob" Water Parts.

These are trademarked water parts, manufactured in various shops throughout South America and distributed globally. I hold the patent and the primary distribution. I am also the one to speak to regarding licensing.

Please let me know if you are interested in getting access to our online catalogue.

We accept all major credit cards.

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

On 11-3-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dearest John England,

We're having a sale.

Ned

On 11-26-09, John England wrote:
Well am sorry for the late response it was due to some supply we made to a co in brazil .i will like to have the catalogue.As to chose the items i want and how many i want cos we supply diffirents countires

On 11-26-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John England,

Thank you again for your interest in our "Floob" Water Parts.

Right now our catalogue is being re-printed and should be ready for mailing by the end of December. Please provide a mailing address to be added to our list.

We are having a Holiday special for a few of our hottest items. You may be interested in one or all of them:

- The Floobmeister (right now only available in red or green) - $29.95 each
- Floob-a-rama (both the floating model and the sinking model) - $24.95 each
- The Mr. Floob Catch-All (makes a great party gift, AND under $10) - $9.95 each
- Astro-Floob (for the tech-savvy customer) - $49.95 each
- Farmer Floob and the Run-Away Cow Pie - $14.95 each
- Burka-Floob (more popular than we could have imagined) - $149.95 each

Each of the above are available in bulk order.

Please let me know what you might like to order.

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

On 11-26-09, John England wrote:
Hello,
Thanks for getting back to me.here is the item l want to order.

Floob-a-rama (both the floating model and the sinking model) - 100pices
The Mr. Floob Catch-All (makes a great party gift, AND under 250pices
Astro-Floob (for the tech-savvy customer) 100pices

MY DELIVERY ADDRESS
Via G B de Rossi 27, 00161 Rome, Italy

Concerning the shipping , the likes of UPS, DHL and others always don't take care of the charges down here. Charges like handling, customs and duties etc. We have experienced such situation before and i don't want to experience such a thing again,you do not need to worry about the stress involve and all documentations because i have a shipping company that have delivered to me in the past,i really like their services so i will like you to contact them about the shipping.I will be glad if you contact this shipper Stone Bridge agent for the shipping quote (stonebridgeshippingagent@yahoo.com ).I will need you to obtain a quote and get back to me with:

COST OF THE ORDER
COST OF THE SHIPPING VIA
stonebridgeshippingagent@yahoo.com
TOTAL COST (ORDER + SHIPPING)

Once i have these details, i will get back to you with my credit card details immediately.so you can charge and make the necessary shipping arrangements.

On 11-27-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John England,

Thank you for your order.

- Floob-a-rama (both the floating model and the sinking model) - $24.95 each x 100 pieces = $2,495.00
- The Mr. Floob Catch-All (makes a great party gift, AND under $10) - $9.95 each x 250 pieces = $2,487.50
- Astro-Floob (for the tech-savvy customer) - $49.95 each x 100 pieces = $4,995.00

Your total is $9,977.50

Because of the size of this order I need assurances that you will not be re-selling anything to any of my competitors. In the past I've had competitors acquire some of my product and then disassemble it for analysis. This led to the copy-catting and cloning of proprietary product. Because of that, my lawyers require me to get a written promise that ALL orders over 50 units each will be used only for single use application. Therefore please read and answer the following declaration:

I, (fill in your name), do solemnly swear that ALL Floob products and accessories purchased by me will never fall into the hands of any outside enterprise, including - but not limited to - The Italian Beach Ball Network, The Italian Burrito Palace, The Italian Hemorrhoid Collective, and The Italian Urologists Pub Crawl Society. In the event that I am unable to keep this promise I will gladly and without delay, submit myself for painful and humiliating medical experimentation involving leeches and/or skunks.

Please indicate compliance with this assurance by writing "I do so agree" in the subject line of your response email.

Following your agreement, I will contact your shipper.

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

On 11-29-09, John England wrote:
Subject: I DO SO AGREE
Hello Ned ,
Thanks for your responce,well let me start from saying that am a GOD fearing man and i will never do such to you or any one else, cos i know what it really cost you. Am not the kind of person i want to deal with you directly, Because i know things will work out fine and promise to be honest and faithful with any thing i buy from you.........Please keep your mind at rest never doubt me ...Am here to deal with you, cos i know the more am been honest with you the more we both get more sales andmove forward in business.Am ready to deal with loyality and here is my full name as you stated in your email John England that my name and if you have any Q please dont insist to ask me .\
I will be dropping off my pen here.
Thanks
John England

On 11-30-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John England,

I thank you and so do my lawyers. (The leeches and skunks do not.... yet)

I will be contacting your shipper today.

I'm glad to hear that you are a GOD fearing man. This is a quality I truly appreciate in my customers. I only want like-minded people to be loyal customers of the "Floob" line. Too often I become associated with evil men and wicked women. But real people - people like you and I - we know the truth about GOD. We know that only OUR GOD is the true GOD.

The fools of all of the other false religions just piss me off. Them and their so-called priests, ministers, elders. They're nothing but dupes of SATAN, destined to burn in the shitty fire pits of hell for all eternity. I've seen them in their blasphemous ceremonies, singing their fiendish songs, touching each other. More than once, I've been tempted to barge into their unholy services and shout the truth. Tell them they should all go straight to hell - now! I pray for the day when violence and mayhem - the 9 Iron of GOD - strikes them down and sets them to weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. Trampled under the feet of the righteous, like you and I! I know GOD will purge the earth of their foul group and destroy their "churches" - CHURCHES! Hah! That's a laugh. Dens of vile godless ignorance!

...but anyway. Thank you for your order.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

On 12-01-09, John England wrote:
Thanks so much for your mail and GOD will always be by our side ....Please let me know as soon as you contact my shipper.
Thanks
John england

On 12-01-09, Vladdio wrote to the "shipper" and copied to the scammer:
Dear Stone Bridge Shipping Agent,

Please read the emails below for information about the shipping of several "Floob" products.

There will be 270 pallets of product. Each pallet will be 42" x 42" x 48" high.

We pack them so the weight will be equally distributed among all 270 pallets.

Each pallet will weigh approximately 2,600 lbs.

That makes the total shipment 702,000 lbs. or 351 tons.

Please note that John England and I require only GOD FEARING personnel to be involved in the loading and unloading of this order. No heathens should be allowed in the presence of any part of this order. And I trust that you yourself are GOD FEARING, lest the wrath of GOD drop upon you like a thousand crates of red hot door knobs.

I have included in this email a prayer for forklifts. Each forklift should have this prayer taped to it. Make copies and post it immediately.

A Prayer for Forklifts
Oh Lord!
Smite the non-believer whosoever rides the clutch of this thy servant forklift!
Rain down thy fury and stomp thy mighty feet at whosoever tilt not thy blades back beforeth putting into gear!
And when the devil's own doth rideth down a ramp forward, risking certain spillage, send down a plague upon them!
And should thy propane runneth out beforeth the deed is done, damn to hell the heretic!
Lo! As in the time of Noah and the loading of thy ark, Grant that no harm shall befall the contents of this order as did happen to the unicorn.
We beseech thee.
Amen.

Please let me know when you can schedule a pick up.

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

On 12-02-09, John England wrote:
Hello Nedo,
How are you doing today and how is your family as well .....Hope they all doing well.
Well i got your mail concerning the shipping Agent it was really nice of you doing this and i want to let you know as well that the Director of the shipping company is a good beliver as well.So in this case i belive everything is going to be in good order and now what is the next thing cos i guess is to make the payment and as you are handling the shipping for me and there payment as well cos i was been told they receive there payment Via western union ..But i want everything to be in order and i want to let you know that u are the kind of person to rely on you really impressed me alot and i will like to meet you in person some day.
Thanks
John England

On 12-02-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Brother John,

I haven't heard back yet from the shipper regarding the costs. If you have any influence with him at all, please contact him.

I'm not sure what it is I said that would impress you - possibly you picked up on how streamlined and organized my company is. I had decided long ago that the "Floob" product line was to have a #2 spot in my life so I make every effort to give it the attention it deserves. (GOD of course is #1 and my wife and family are #6.)

And yes, you should plan to visit. I'll give you an executive tour of our plant. I don't do that often but I think you, of all people, would appreciate the way I have things set up. We have the largest warehouse in the tri-county area: 260,000 square feet. Our production wing boast the latest in technical innovation. Our shipping department is never more than 6 hours behind production. Our chapel rivals any church in the state for fine woodwork, pews, stained glass, and we have 3 granite altars. We even have our own on-site chaplain. Because even though I am an ordained minister, I'm not always available to lead my workforce in prayer, or weddings, funerals, baptisms, or punishment rituals: flogging, branding, keelhauling, light bruising, etc.

All of my employees are required to wear the company uniform. And when off duty (when not at work) they're required to either wear the company uniform or at very least, wear the company colors: Yellow, White, and Orange only.

I believe you and I share the same morals and principles. And I believe we also share the same contempt for non-believers. I think this, our first business transaction, could lead to much success and profit for both of us. I really do. And it will certainly move us both closer to a place at the right hand of GOD, when we are called to his side.

GOD BLESS JOHN ENGLAND AND MAY GOD GRANT THAT HIS COMPETITION DIE IN PAIN AND BURN IN HELL!

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

PS. Please refrain from calling me "Nedo". In the The Apocrypha, Nedo refers to the step-brother of John the Baptist, and he preferred to wear himations in the style of lustful women. And of course he himself had no interest in women. I'm assuming you didn't know this, otherwise you would not have made such a deviant slur towards me.

On 12-03-09, John England wrote:
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL I WILL LIKE TO HAVE YOUR PERSONAL CELL PHONE # AS TO TALK TO YOU

On 12-03-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Brother John,

Although there are no cell phones in the Bible, I do have one. Unfortunately I ruined another one a few days ago while conducting a group baptism (followed by a "Trial by fire"). I'll have one in a couple of days.

It will be good talking to you.

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

On 12-03-09, the "shipper" wrote:
Dear Client,
We appreciate your business. We would be very glad to come for the pick up in your company, Before we can provide you with the freight cost. We will want you to provide us with the weight and dimension of the goods,value of the goods and also the full address of your company were the goods will be picked up, As soon as you confirm the details we need, we would provide you with the shipping cost. Please do not hesitate to let us know if you have any question.
Thank You And We Hope To Serve You.
We make it a simple task,
whatever the journey,
wherever in the world.
Sincerely Yours
Paul Read.
Customer Service
Stone bridge shipping co

On 12-03-09, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Mr. Paul Read,

So you tried to confuse me, eh.

I copied the email (below) to you just the other day. And that email had ALL of the information that you are now requesting again! Ha! The weight, the dimensions, the value of the order. (?)

It is this kind of discombobulating and obfuscation that is most obvious as behavioral traits of Satan's minions.

You can't fool the Righteous, Mr. Paul Read! I recognize you and your master as I would recognize the Whore of Babylon! You are vile! You are evil incarnate! Stand back from me, oh minister of all that is loathsome!

Peddle your temptations elsewhere; I'll not fall for it! And neither will my good friend John England! Not when there are shipping agents who are outside of the evil grasp of the Prince of Darkness! And those we shall find, and leave you to the fallen.

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC