The Boring, Tedious, and Repetitive Scam

...did I mention it was repetitive?

From: Janine Isabel [mailto:janine0139@yahoo.com]
Sent: Wednesday, November 11, 2009 11:56 PM
Subject: Item needed from your craigslist get back to me urgent

On 11-11-09, Janine Isabel wrote:
Hello seller,
i am JANINE ISABEL I am highly interested in making purchase of this your item to my client.so kindly let me know the present condition of the item,and the final price of it so that we can get this transaction proceed and finalized ok,And again is CASHIER CHECK is the mode of payment just let me know if you are willing to sell to me and moreover first get back to me directly e-mail....ADDRESS...janine0139@yahoo.com

1.Name.......
2.Address....
3.City.......
4.Code......
5.State...
6.Phone#....

Get back to me urgent now

On 11-12-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Janine,

Yes, the item is still available and it's in perfect condition. The final price as stated in my ad is $1250.

I will take a cashier check.

Here's the info you asked for:

1.Name....... Henry Aetiam
2.Address.... 12 Hershey Blvd.
3.City....... Hirsute
4.Code...... 72766
5.State... Arkansas

What do you want to do about shipping?

Thanks,

Henry

On 11-13-09, Janine Isabel wrote:
Subject: ONLY QUESTION TO ASK YOU NOW.............Payment sent

Hello,thanks so much for ur response i will like to tell you that the payment will be sent right now so make sure you keep ur eye on it and again let me know immediately you receive the check.Moreover the shipping company money will be included to the check just make sure immediately you receive the check get it cash and deducted ur sales money there is extra $30 for being consider sold the item to me then wire the rest excess fund to the shipper name and address enclose to the check so that they will be coming for the pick up of the item is that clear.That is why i need to ask you a few question since the payment ready to be issue out right now.

ONLY QUESTION TO ASK YOU NOW.............

1.Can i trust you with the money?

2.Will you be able to wire transfer the excess the same day you receive the check to our shipping company?

3.Will you be available when the shipping company will be coming for the pickup? please schedule ahead of time with me though

4.Can i take you for your words

On 11-13-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Janine,

#1 - Of course you can trust me with the money. In my town I'm know as Henry "Crackers" Aetiam. That's because I once found a box of crackers on a shelf in our local library and spent the entire day looking for the owner. (I did find her, by the way. She had been dead for 3 days when I found her wedged in the bottom of a 40' storm drain. When the authorities finally managed to get her body out, they discovered a receipt for the crackers in her pocket. I think this will tell you how honest I am.)

#2 - I should be able to transfer the money on the very same day that I get the check from you, without too much inconvenience. There is a Western Union on the other side of town and I can walk to it in about 6 hours.

#3 - I'll need to know exactly when the shipping company will come for the pick up. Mondays and Thursdays are usually no good for me. That's when I eat.

#4 - You can take me for my word, YES!

Please let me know the shipper's name and address as soon as possible.

Also, thank you for the $30. That's very nice of you. I may use it to buy deodorant.

Henry (but you too can call me "Crackers")

On 11-13-09, Janine Isabel wrote:
Subject: Payment sent.............

Ok...Thanks so much i will let know when the payment is around you.And again i also include the shipper details to the check coming to you ok,all you need to do just make sure you keep your eye on it and let me know immediately you received the payment it's a pleasure doing business with you have a nice day...

On 11-14-09, Janine Isabel wrote:
Hey,

Thanks so much for your respond of the tranaction.I will like to tell you that the payment sent to you right now so kindly make sure you keep your eye on it and let me know immediately you got it is that clear.

Moreover the shipper will be coming for the pick up immediately they confirm that the check deliver to you and you deduct your sales money then wire the rest additional to there name and address enclose to the check ok.They will now coming for the pick up at your location hope you really understand me clearly now.

Let me read from you back it's a pleasure doing business with you babe..

On 11-14-09, Janine Isabel wrote:
HEY.
WHAT IS GOING ON THERE NOW I WILL LIKE TO TELL YOU THAT THE PAYMENT SENT TO YOU RIGHT NOW SO MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR EYE ON IT.AND AGAIN IMMEDIATELY YOU GOT IT ALL YOU NEED TO DO JUST MAKE SURE YOU GET IT CASHED AND DEDUCT YOUR SALES MONEY THE REST WILL BE WIRE VIA WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER TO THE SHIPPER NAME AND ADDRESS ENCLOSE TO THE CHECK OK.LET ME READ FROM YOU BACK IT'S A PLEASURE DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU..HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND

On 11-14-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Janine,

I look forward to the check arriving. I went out and bought a new pen to sign it with. The man at the store said that most people sign checks in either BLUE ink or BLACK ink. I believe this is true. I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone would lie about this. Although the name tag on his shirt did say "Martin", I heard some of his coworkers calling him "Marty". This does make me wonder how honest he really is. I bought a pen with GREEN ink just to play it safe.

The shipper that you are sending should have a forklift. I guess you already know this since my item weighs 3,400 lbs. I rolled it down my driveway in preparation. I hope this is all finalized soon. My neighbors are not very happy with the way it flashes all night. I wish I could remove the battery but it's so greasy, I slip off it every time I try to climb on. I'm not too worried though since most of my neighbors will probably be happy to have the stench out of the neighborhood when it finally goes.

Did you decide what to call it? We always just called it "Merle". My son called it "Salami-Bean", but he was the only one to do that.

I'll contact you again when the check arrives.

Thanks.

Crackers

On 11-16-09, Janine Isabel wrote:
Hey..

What is going on there now.I will like to tell you that the payment is around you and is coming to deliver to you via UPS.Just make sure you update me immediately you get it is that clear.

And again when the payment deliver to you al i want you to do just make sure you get it cashed and deduct your sales money plus the extra $30 then wire the rest additional to the shipper name and address enclose to you ok. So that the shipping company will come for the pick up over there i am waiting your respond back.It's a pleasure doing business with you have a nice dayyy.

On 11-16-09, Janine Isabel wrote:
Hey..

What is going on there now.I will like to tell you that the payment is around you and is coming to deliver to you via UPS.Just make sure you update me immediately you get it is that clear.

And again when the payment deliver to you al i want you to do just make sure you get it cashed and deduct your sales money plus the extra $30 then wire the rest additional to the shipper name and address enclose to you ok. So that the shipping company will come for the pick up over there i am waiting your respond back.It's a pleasure doing business with you have a nice dayyy.

On 11-18-09, Janine Isabel wrote:
Subject: PAYMENT DELIVER TO YOU Here is the tracking# via UPS (1ZE8177601xxxxxxxx)

Hey...
Good news to you payment deliver to your resident via UPS corrier.So all you need to do just kindly make sure you take it to the cashing point and get it cashed there,after getting th check cash deduct your sales money plus the extra $30 gave to you for being consider sold the item to me..And then get the rest additional wire to the shipper name and address enclose to the check is that clear.

Here is the tracking# via UPS (1ZE8177601xxxxxxxx)

Also here is the Shipper Info......Where to wire the funds after deduct your sales fund

Christopher Grover
Los angeles, CA 90034
United States

Moreover the rest excess fund will be wire/transfer to the shipper via Western Union Money Transfer Ok.Then get back to me urgent with all the wiring details...Follow as

1.Money transfer control number (MTCN#)
2.Amount send after wiring charge fee
3.Sender name and address
4.Reciever name and addres
5.Scan the reciept of the wiring details..

I will be waiting your respond back with all these details ok..

On 11-18-09, Janine Isabel wrote:
Subject: Proof of Delivery

Your package has been delivered. To view Proof of Delivery, please select the link.
Tracking Information
Tracking Number: 1ZE8177601xxxxxxxx
Status: Delivered
Delivered On: 11/17/2009 12:35 P.M.
Signed By: SMITH
Location: RESIDENTIAL
Delivered To: SPRINGDALE, AR, US
Shipped/Billed On: 11/16/2009
Type: Package
Service: NEXT DAY AIR

On 11-18-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Janine,

This is great news that the check is coming! I set up some beach chairs on my front lawn yesterday morning so I'd be comfortable waiting for the UPS guy. I waited all day yesterday, just in case it came a day early. I'll send you some pictures. My mom even came over with something like 200 red and yellow balloons and tied them all over the bushes and some of our cats, so the delivery guy couldn't mistake which house to go to.

I only saw one truck come up our block yesterday, but that didn't stop here. It went to that bastard, Tyrone Smith across the street. I hate that son of a bitch. I know he sneaks into my garage when I'm not home, taking pictures and moving things around. He likes to smear some kind of dust on all of my door knobs. But I tasted it and tried to snort it too. Didn't do a thing for me. That bastard even calls my parole officer once in a while to rat me out about all the Colombians that come to my house. I guess nobody really believes that I teach ESL.

Anyway, I'll let you know just when the check gets here. I hope it comes today and not tomorrow. Tomorrow is guacamole day!

Thanks.

And by the way, I have more items for sale if you're interested. Do you want a list? Do you think you might want to buy a Ragger? It's almost brand new.

Crackers

On 11-18-09, Janine Isabel wrote:
Subject: WHAT IS GOING ON THERE WITH MY MONEY

Hey...
Good news to you payment deliver to your resident via UPS carrier.So all you need to do just kindly make sure you take it to the cashing point and get it cashed there,after getting th check cash deduct your sales money plus the extra $30 gave to you for being consider sold the item to me.And then get the rest additional wire to the shipper name and address enclose to the check is that clear.

Here is the tracking# via UPS (1ZE8177601xxxxxxxx)

Also here is the Shipper Info.....Where to wire the funds after deduct your sales fund

Christopher Grover
Los angeles, CA 90034
United States

Moreover the rest excess fund will be wire/transfer to the shipper via Western Union Money Transfer Ok.Then get back to me urgent with all the wiring details...Follow as

1.Money transfer control number (MTCN#)
2.Amount send after wiring charge fee
3.Sender name and address
4.Receiver name and address
5.Scan the reciept of the wiring details..

I will be waiting your respond back with all these details ok..

On 11-20-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Janine,

I told you that Thursdays are not good for me. (The guacamole was made late last night and I will not refrigerate it. Why would I settle for day-old guacamole?)

Your check didn't arrive yesterday (or the day before) and if it comes today, I probably won't be available to receive it.

My neighbors are starting to complain about the item sitting in my driveway. Besides the flashing and the smell, it's now starting to rust and there are very noticeable rust stains across my pavement. You had better find out exactly when the check is going to be here.

...and I really feel like I wasted a lot of money on the balloons. Most of them are deflated. Many have popped. And 2 of my cats got tangled up in the ribbons so badly, we had to call a sailor to untie the knots. If you feel any sense of responsibility at all, maybe you can help me pay for the balloons. I'll pay for the sailor (It cost me an extra $30 for him to sing sea chanteys while he worked on the knots. But a crowd had gathered and I was able to sell some fanork, so it was worth it.)

Please hurry.

By the way, I know a guy at UPS who might be able to help you find the check if it is lost. I call him "The Bruiser" and he always gets the job done. But he's not cheap.... hmmm, I might send him to visit Tyrone...

Crackers

On 11-20-09, Janine Isabel wrote:
Subject: WHAT IS GOING N WITH MY MONEY

Hey...
Good news to you payment deliver to your resident via UPS carrier.So all you need to do just kindly make sure you take it to the cashing point and get it cashed there,after getting th check cash deduct your sales money plus the extra $30 gave to you for being consider sold the item to me.And then get the rest additional wire to the shipper name and address enclose to the check is that clear.

Also here is the Shipper Info.....Where to wire the funds after deduct your sales fund

Christopher Grover
Los angeles, CA 90034
United States

Moreover the rest excess fund will be wire/transfer to the shipper via Western Union Money Transfer Ok.Then get back to me urgent with all the wiring details...Follow as

1.Money transfer control number (MTCN#)
2.Amount send after wiring charge fee
3.Sender name and address
4.Receiver name and address
5.Scan the reciept of the wiring details..

I will be waiting your respond back with all these details ok..

On 11-20-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Janine,

Be honest with me. Did you send the check?

It didn't arrive yesterday even though you promised me that it would.

If it doesn't come today, I will re-post the ad on Craigslist and probably lower the price.

I am very disappointed... so is "The Bruiser".

Crackers

On 11-20-09, Janine Isabel wrote:
Subject: WHERE IS MY MONEY

Hey...

Good news to you payment deliver to your resident via UPS carrier.So all you need to do just kindly make sure you take it to the cashing point and get it cashed there,after getting th check cash deduct your sales money plus the extra $30 gave to you for being consider sold the item to me.And then get the rest additional wire to the shipper name and address enclose to the check is that clear.

Also here is the Shipper Info.....Where to wire the funds after deduct your sales fund

Christopher Grover
Los angeles, CA 90034
United States

Moreover the rest excess fund will be wire/transfer to the shipper via Western Union Money Transfer Ok.Then get back to me urgent with all the wiring details...Follow as

1.Money transfer control number (MTCN#)
2.Amount send after wiring charge fee
3.Sender name and address
4.Receiver name and address
5.Scan the reciept of the wiring details..

I will be waiting your respond back with all these details ok..

At this point I got bored and gave up.

Boats, Chocolate, and Exploding FAX Machines

...and totally without Nazi involvement.

From: Wilfrid Azor [mailto:wilfridazoroffice@i12.com]
Sent: Thursday, October 22, 2009 11:09 AM
Subject: Please Read!!

On 10-22-09, Wilfrid Azor wrote:
Good Day,
In 2006, my client died leaving behind Cash Amount (US$14.7M) in my Bank here where i work. Since his demised No, body has come forward for the claim. I contacted you because your Name and email contact was among the findings that matches the same Surname. I want to present you as the heir to the deceased since I can provide you with the details needed for us to Claim the Funds together. Thanks as I hope to hear from you urgently.

Wilfrid Azor.

On 11-3-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Wilfrid,

Ordinarily I would ignore a letter like the one you sent to me, but 2 things happened to make me sit up and take notice.

First, I did have a rather wealthy distant relative die in 2006. My family had always wondered about the possibility that he might have died in the throes of luxury and excess. There had been rumors that he had had secret dealings with both the Nazis and the Cosa Nostra. Frankly, we thought he'd had closer to 50 million dollars stashed away somewhere. Perhaps the rest went towards Hummel figurines (a true passion of his), and Mexican women (another passion… but of a different sort.) In any case, an article I recently read regarding a newly extradited Nazi War Criminal, mentioned my grand-uncle by name. The article went on to say that if he were still alive, the Polenta Crime Family (out of Miami) would still be using him to smuggle newly discovered stolen Nazi art out of Tunisia, since - I guess - that's what he was very good at.

Secondly - and don't laugh - at a party I just attended over this past weekend, I met a psychic who told me that I would be coming into a large amount of money.

These are not 2 coincidences I could easily overlook.

Therefore, Mrs. Azor, please let me know what is the next step in the retrieval process. If this is, in fact, money that I should rightfully inherit, I would be very grateful.

Thank you.

Dame Doris Astragal

On 11-4-09, Wilfrid Azor wrote:
Dear Dame D. Astragal,

Thanks for your response to my email. I would like to apologize for the unconventional way in which I have contacted you.

I do appreciate your email reply about your uncle. what is the name of your uncle?

I am an employee of Chipps Investment National Bank Group London, as a personal accountant administering various deceased estate accounts. Please be advised that this transaction, once in motion, is completely risk free to yourself. All we require from you is an Estate Claim Application (Form BV3E05) as the next of kin of the deceased in question.

As my client left no will, the necessary tracing,Government Gazette notification and advertising has been performed,over the past three years bringing forth no valid beneficiary to these funds. As no beneficiary has come forward, these funds will be transferred as “dormant funds” into the Government Treasury Account in the near future.

Due to the fact that your surname is identical to the deceased I would nominate you as the next of kin to his Estate. As the amount in question is a considerable sum of cash I would like to stress that the matter herein is highly confidential and would like to stress,once again, that the matter be kept as such. I have researched this matter extensively, followed all the necessary avenues of finding a related beneficiary to the deceased without success. Due to the slump in the world financial markets we need to allocate these funds without delay.

To escalate this transaction I will need information from you to apply for the necessary Death Certificate from the Home Affairs Department. Once you and I are in possession of the Death Certificate you will be able to contact our Bank and fill in the necessary forms for the subsequent transfer of these funds into your personal bank account.

Please reconfirm the following details below.

Home Address
Direct telephone number and Fax number
Marital status
Business Address
Occupation
Birth Date

Once this is completed the amount of $14.7 million will be transferred in a ratio of 50% to yourself and 50% for me, the additional percentage to finance the necessary estate taxes, advertising, transfer fees, etc. Should the instructions be followed to the letter these funds will be in your account within the next 10 to 14 working days.

As I am sure you are aware this is a highly sensitive and confidential matter and I would appreciate if you continue corresponding with me via my personal email address and mobile. Due to inherent greed on the part of our species I strongly urge you to keep this matter to yourself until the papers have been signed and the funds transferred into your account. Note, you will not regret involving in this deal i promise you.

I trust that I will be hearing from you shortly.
Yours sincerely,
Wilfrid Azor.
Cell: + xx xxx xxx xxxx

On 11-4-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Wilfrid,

This is indeed happy news. I never thought I could be as elated over the death of someone as I am over the death of my grand-uncle. And I don't know if you are aware of this, but his funeral required a closed casket. The details of his death - to the few attendees, including myself - were sparse and mostly spoken in whispers, but I did think I understood his rather violent death to involve machetes and fire. Such must be one's fate when dealing with jealous Mexican husbands, the Mafia, and - to a lesser degree - Nazis.

Before I go any further, I must confess that contrary to your instructions, I did already speak to some others about my good fortune.

The first person I told was that psychic I told you about. She is completely reliable, I assure you. She even told me that she knew ahead of time that I would be contacting her to tell her about my inheritance. So in reality, telling her doesn't count as a breach of confidence because she already knew. I put her on retainer immediately - $500 per month. I know I'll be needing her services when I do finally receive the money.

I also told a few people in line behind me at the check-out counter at my local grocery store. They were all so kind and congratulatory, in a spirit of giving I paid for all of their groceries. Some of them actually wept.

But to the business at hand, I have a few questions:

- Where can I get one of those BV3E05 forms?
- Would it help if I opened an account in the bank where you work?
- I don't know where my copy of the death certificate is, but I could apply for another one. I'll go to the Home Office today. Do you think it would be a good idea to give them some fictitious reason as to why I need the death certificate? Like I could tell them it's for a Kindergarten Show-and-Tell assignment for my nephew.

My grand-uncle's name was Oakley Vestige Astragal. Although he was a distant relative, we referred to him as "Uncle Oakley". I still have a photo of him and I sitting atop a dromedary at the Bronx Zoo. Even in that picture, he is holding a gun.

Let me know what other information you need. I am so excited. And I promise not to tell anyone else.

Thank you.

And please call me Dodo. It's a nickname all of my friends call me. Doris is meant for strangers.

Dodo

On 11-5-09, Wilfrid Azor wrote:
Dear Dame D. Astragal,

Thank for the email.

Please fill out the attached forms with your hand writing and send completed copies back to me for proper verification and also to enable me apply for legal documents that will enhance the smooth release of the fund to you. I will send you the bank contact details for you to contact the bank for the release of the fund in your favor as soon as you complete and send back the forms to me.

The Indemnity Application Form For Transfer of Rights & Privileges will i use to apply for the Sworn affidavit of truth and claim that you are the bona fide next of kin to the deceased client and this will only take me two working days to procure this document.I want you to know that this transaction is 100% risk free and you have nothing to worry about, all i want you to do, is listen to my instructions carefully till the transaction is concluded.

I will be waiting for the completed forms and if there is any question you will like to ask, please don't hesitate to email me or call me. Please send the completed forms to my private fax number: +xx xxx xxx xxxx or via email attachment.

I await your reply.
Wilfrid Azor
Cell:+ xx xxx xxx xxxx

On 11-5-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dearest Wilfrid!

Oh, this is so exciting!! I bought a boat yesterday! I figured, Jesus would want me to have one, right?

I printed out the forms you sent me. Oh, thank you so, so much! You are a saint! I'm going out today to buy a fax machine thing. I told my psychic friend that I was going to and she told me she already knew I would!! Everything is falling into place!

Everything you put on the form is true, true, true! You even spelled my grand-uncle's name right.

But to be honest, there were a few discrepancies.
- My grand-uncle wasn't born on May 20, 1955. It was March 3, 1925.
- You said he died in a car accident. Well, his body was found in a car. In the trunk, really. And it wasn't really an accident. We think he was set on fire along with the car after he was hacked to death.
- You said his occupation was "Contractor/Supplier".... well that's sort of true. Smugglers are sort of suppliers, I guess.
- The name of his company wasn't Slater Inc. At least I never heard that name. The last place we heard that he worked was called Spumoni Brothers Cement Contracting. But that was back in the 80s. I suppose he may have gone to work for Slater Inc. Do you know if they also have ties to the Cosa Nostra?

I appreciate all of your help in getting me this money, Wilfrid. I really do. But I must ask: Do you really think it's fair that you are getting half on my inheritance just for shuffling some papers around? I mean 7.35 million dollars is a lot of money. I'm not so sure someone else wouldn't have been just as happy to get 3 million, or 1 million, or even a half million for doing the same thing you are doing.

The boat I just ordered will cost me almost $600,000. If I get the houses I want and the surgery I want and another boat or two, my 7.35 million will start to dwindle away pretty rapidly.

Wouldn't you be satisfied with 1.5 million, dear Wilfrid?

Please don't take this personally. I only want what's coming to me. And fairness is my favorite thing - along with chocolate and boats.

And do please call me Dodo. I feel you are indeed a friend.

Thank you.

Dodo

On 11-13-09, Vladdio wrote:
Oh Dearest Wilfrid,

I am so sorry for the great delay in returning these forms to you. I went right out and bought a fax machine device as you instructed me to do. And oh! it is so beautiful! It had lights and buttons and paper. I plugged it in and tried to "fax" these forms to you, but for some reason it didn't work.

And then we had the fire.

Actually it was an explosion. But the fire followed the explosion so rapidly that the firemen just kept calling it a fire. I won't bore you with the details, dear Wilfrid, but please just note that I will never buy another fax machine thing. I was not aware that those things could be so dangerous. I'm just glad I was in the Rumpus Room when it went off. I only wish my little dog was too. Oh, C'est la vie!

In any case, I attached the three completed forms to this email.








Have you given any thought to the proposal I made to you previously regarding your compensation? I think you must agree that 1.5 million dollars is more than enough for your services. And now that I will need to rebuild my house I need my share of MY inheritance even more. Don't you agree, dear?

You must come visit me when all of this is put to rest. We'll have tea on my boat and maybe you and I could go shopping for another dog - or another boat. We'll see how I feel. By then the bandages should all be off.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any other questions.

I remain truly your dear friend,

Dodo

On 11-14-09, Wilfrid Azor wrote:
Dear Dame D. Astragal,

Thanks for the email message. Please fax or email the completed application of fund of claim only to the bank before. I will apply for the Sworn Affidavit of truth and claim. please ensure it the only application form address to the bank, you will have send.

Contact the bank via the bank contact details below.

Mrs. Phyllis H. Xxxxxxxxx
Head: Payments & Logistics Department
Tel: +xx xxx xxx xxxx
Fax: +xx xxx xxx xxxx
Email: info@xxxxx.com
Email: intl@xxxxxxxxx.com
Website: http://www.xxxxx.com/

Please, I will appreciate it a lot if you can be prompt in responding to my emails, as you know this transaction we are about to going into we need a prompt response from each other.Please I need your utmost co-operation in seeing that the funds leave the shore of London to your account. As soon as you forward the application of claim to the bank, please do endeavor to keep me posted so that I will give you guidelines to follow, for the successful transfer of the funds to you.

Please whatever respond you get from the bank, make sure you keep me posted so that I will instruct you on what to do and please do not let the bank know my involvement in this transaction as I am still a staff of the bank. Whatever you do not understand, please endeavor to call me or email as i have been trying to call you but could not get through but i will keep trying.

I will apply for the sworn affidavit of truth and claim and it will take 2 working days. As soon as i am able to obtain the documents, i will forward it to you to send it to the bank as well.

I wait to hear from you as soon as you contact the bank.
Regards,
Wilfrid Azor

On 11-15-09, Vladdio wrote:
My Dear Wilfrid,

I agree. Too much time is being wasted. I wish you would hurry things up a bit. I'm very confused by these forms and the names of these forms and I don't feel it's altogether my fault.

Which one of these do you want me to fax to the bank? Is it the white one with the black letters that says "Application as next of kin..." or the white one with the black letters that says "High Court of Justice" or the white one with the black letters that says "Agreement Letter..."? Why did you make this so complicated? I don't see one called "Fund of Claim...". And what's this "Sworn Affidavit" you're talking about?

If you had color-coded them I'd understand it better. Then you could say "Fax the RED one to the Bank" or "Email the GREEN one to London". There's a lot of money involved here and if you had sent the forms to me on colored paper, I'd probably be out buying another boat right now.

I think you're lucky it's a weekend and the banks are closed. Now tell me what to do!

Do you really think you should be getting 1.5 millions dollars of MY money for this kind of shoddy paperwork?

Dodo

On 11-16-09, Wilfrid Azor wrote:
Dear Dame D. Astragal,

The application to send to the bank it the white one with the black letters that says "Application as next of kin..."

I wait to hear from you as soon as you send the form to the bank.

Wilfrid Azor.

On 11-16-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Wilfrid,

I'm not so sure I like the tone of your last email. I'm not an idiot, you know.

Just tell me which if the two email addresses I should use. You gave me:
Email: info@xxxxx.com
Email: intl@xxxxxxxxx.com

Does Mrs. Phyllis H. Xxxxxxxxx answer both? I don't want to get her into any trouble. My psychic friend has begun reading my palms - first the left one and then the right one (she is such a professional!) - and told me that Phyllis is actually the reincarnation of the mother of John Wilkes Booth. I think she's had her share of troubles over the last 150 years or so. I don't want to add to her bad karma, to say nothing of what would happen to her aura.

I want to do this today. I hope to get my 14.7 million dollars (less your 1.5 million dollars... which I still think is excessive) by the end of the week.

I'm meeting with builders this afternoon to begin the layout of the first of my new houses. It will have 14 rooms! (But no fax machine, I assure you.)

Dodo
(And why do you refuse to address me as Dodo? Aren't we friends?)

On 11-16-09, Wilfrid Azor wrote:
Dear Dame D. Astragal,

Good day and sorry for the tune of my last email to you. The attached file is the application form you need to send to the bank.

Keep me posted as soon as you do so.

I wait your response.
Wilfrid Azor.

On 11-16-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Wilfrid,

Are you deliberately delaying this whole process? I don't know why you would, since you're getting a whole lot of MY MONEY for doing what a monkey could be trained to do.

My question had nothing to do with which form to send to the bank. I know what form to send to the bank. You told me what form to send to the bank. And now you sent me an attachment of my own form? I have that original form in my hand right now! Geez, Wilfrid! It's no wonder you're just a small unimportant mostly-useless underling in your bank with no chance of advancement. They probably don't trust you to count change.

I'm truly beginning to wonder whether or not I can trust you with my fortune!

MY QUESTION WAS ABOUT THE EMAIL MACHINE ADDRESS NUMBER!!!

WHAT EMAIL MACHINE ADDRESS NUMBER DO I USE TO SEND THIS FORM?

I'd bypass you altogether and deal with Mrs. Phyllis H. Xxxxxxxxx if I thought that would work. My psychic friend says that Phyllis will one day own that bank if she can avoid someone named "Beluga Bill Cattrap".

Dodo
And I won't even bother reminding you this time to call me Dodo. I think you're far to thick to understand how to deal with customers and with people who are giving you a lot of money.

On 11-17-09, Wilfrid Azor wrote:
Dear Dame D. Astragal,

Please mind the way you address me on your emails. I did not contact you in this transaction to lash out word that is annoying to me. If you are not capable of handily this transaction, please i advice you to pull out.

Wilfrid Azor.

On 11-17-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Wilfrid,

It doesn't become you, being so snippy. I'm a forgiving person, Wilfrid, but I have limits. I'm going to let your last remarks go. I'll chalk it up to stress, but don't try my patience again.

Another outburst like that one and I'll reduce your fee to $500,000. And you know I can do it.

Enough said on that matter.

I spoke to my priest this morning. I went to confession to expunge from my immortal soul the sins I have been carrying, lo!, these past few days. I shouldn't be telling you this but I think I broke the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 7th, 8th, and 10th commandments. He reminded me that although my grand-uncle Oakley was not my parent, the fact that I thought unkindly of him as a relative and the fact that I expressed gratitude that he had died - however miserably - I very well could have also broken the 4th commandment. (I didn't tell my priest that I was also consulting a psychic. That would have taken Commandment #1 and lit it up like oversized candles at a Wiccan Dianic-Aradian Ritual!)

Well he's a wily one, that old Father Bobolink. In no time he had me spilling the beans about my forthcoming inheritance. And in less than no time he had me promising to give to the church 10% of everything - including your share.

Don't get mad, Wilfrid. I tried everything I could to exclude your 1.5 million dollar share but he said something about how even dim-witted, malodorous, unattractive heathens like you are still children of God. He said you must pay. What can I say, dear and understanding Wilfrid, he's my priest. Besides 10% of 1.5 is only $150,000. You'll still have enough money left to see to your evil ways and aberrant lifestyle (which, by the way, includes the 6th and 9th Commandments.)

Are we still friends, Wilfrid?

Dodo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On 11-19-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dearest Wilfrid,

I haven't heard from you in 2 days. I hope you're not sick. There's a fungus going around. Please look after yourself.

Tomorrow is Friday. Will I be getting the money tomorrow? Father Bobolink is concerned too.

And my psychic is having trouble connecting with the beyond. Something to do with clouds and neutrinos and negative waves or something.

Contact me.

Dodo

I'll Bet Johnny Cash Never Had This Problem

...I don't know about Eddie Money.

From: kenny hall [mailto:kennyhall005@gmail.com]
Sent: Saturday, November 14, 2009 1:36 PM
Subject: NEW Loop-Loc Safety Pool Cover for sale – 16 x 32 mesh Rectangle

On 11-14-09, Kenny Hall wrote:
Hello
Let me know if your posted item for sale is still available.

On 11-14-09, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Kenny Hall,

The item available is yes still.

Inquiries many there are for people to buy, people to sell.

Popular rectangles.

You offer what is? $999?

OK.

Tom "Tommy" Thomas - just call me Tommy

On 11-15-09, Kenny Hall wrote:
Hello,
Thanks for your swift response toward the inquiry about the item as stated by you, am really pleased, i would have come over to your location to view the item but i wont be able to come at the moment due to the nature of my work as present.

I will like you to know that i am okay with the price and i will make the payment sendto you via check which will clear to your account in one working days.Kindly forward me your full detail as writting bellow tomake the check send to you for urgent business transaction.

Your full name as to be writing on the check.
Your full address where to send the check .
your phone number where i can contact you for any urgent comunication.

As for the pick up,i will know how to handle that with my mover that as been helping me to move in my belongings into our home, the Mover will come for the pick up once the check has been cashed and i will like to complete this transaction soonest. Thanks and get back to me with the full info as soon as possible
Regards
James

On 11-16-09, Vladdio wrote:
Hi James Kenny Hall,

Rather you were to come to my house visiting to see the item so much you want.

Too bad.

Glad you are OK with the price. $999. If you were not I would lower it.... never mind. Forget I said that. .... isn't there an erase button on these damned email things?

My full name is Thomas Thomas. But I go by "Tom". Some people call me Harry - especially old girlfriends
I can receive mail at 16 Parkside Lane, Frisco, CA 95698

I drive a taxi, taking tips, and get stoned, but I always wanted to fly.

Tom (or Harry)

On 11-15-09, Kenny Hall wrote:
i will like to know if i should write thomas thomas on the check

On 11-16-09, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Kenny James Hall,

I'm glad you asked that because the NEW Loop-Loc Safety Pool Cover for sale - 16 x 32 mesh Rectangle cover is actually not even mine. I mean technically right now it's not.

It belongs to a neighbor of my old girlfriend, Sue. (She was gonna be an actress.) It's kind of a surprise. The neighbor doesn't actually know she's selling it and it's still on the pool, I hope your mover doesn't have any problem taking it off the pool and folding it up, does he? It would be best if the mover came either during the day when the neighbor is at work, or late at night - say, between 2:00 and 4:00 AM.

If you could make the check out to "Cash" that would be better. This way when the "surprise" is discovered, my name is not associated with it.

By the way, if you are interested in some very nice patio furniture, I have access to that too. Your mover will see it when he comes for the cover. Tell him to bring a strong flashlight and very quiet shoes.

Tommy (or Harry... or you can call me "Cash" too.)

On 11-16-09, Kenny Hall wrote:
Let me know how much is the furniture you mention and also send me the pictures of the furniture,Also send me the name to be written on the check so that i can make the check send to you tommorow

On 11-16-09, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Kenny Hall James,

Make the check out to "CASH". That's CASH. C-A-S-H. Just like "Johnny Cash" but without the "Johnny". So where it says "Payable to the Order of ____________", you write the word "CASH" in the blank.

Got it?

The furniture is in very good condition but I don't have any photos of it. If Sue's neighbor saw me sneaking around in her yard taking pictures of her patio furniture, she might sic her dogs on me again. Make sure you tell your movers to bring some dog biscuits.

I'd say the stuff is worth about $2000 brand new. I'll sell it to you for $500. If your movers get bit, I'll give you $50 credit on your next purchase

Would you also be interested in a wheelchair? The neighbor on the other side has a wheelchair that he only uses during the day. I think I can get a hold of it tonight.

No photos. I don't know what to charge you for that. Make me an offer.

Cash

On 11-17-09, Kenny Hall wrote:
Hello,
I dont think you are realy serious about the item.I ask you to send me your details for the payment and you are saying another think.Look if you are not ready to sell the item for me then let me know .if you like to sell it then send me your name as to be written on the check and the adress.If not dont burther to reply me.

On 11-17-09, Vladdio wrote:
Hi James Hall Kenny,

I don't understand why you would be uncomfortable writing a check out to CASH.

And I don't understand why you should think there are other details for "the payment" that you don't have.

You have my name, my address, how to write out a check to CASH (which apparently you can't figure out), what time to have your so-called "movers" arrive, how to deal with my neighbor's vicious dogs, the price of the patio furniture, and a few details about a wheelchair which - after last night - is suddenly available and is right now sitting in my garage. In fact, before I came in to check my email, I was outside in my garage, cleaning vomit off the wheelchair foot-rests and filing the serial numbers off the frame tags.

How could I be more accommodating?

Let me explain one more time. On the check, in the space where you would normally write a person's name, instead, write this word: CASH. This is what is called "making a check out to cash".

It's that simple.

Look - I don't want hard feelings here so here's what I'll do. Do you like omelets? When I see you, I'll make you the best omelet you ever had. I make an omelet with tuna and peanut butter that will make you roll your eyes and smile from ear to ear. I know it doesn't sound good, but take my word, it's delicious!

Now send the damned check.

CASH!

On 11-17-09, Kenny Hall wrote:
You are a fool

He Chose "Kraken-Fluken"

...when a wise man would have chosen "Gadorp". (Does that make any sense?)

From: David Kelly [mailto:davidkelly24g@yahoo.com]
Sent: Sunday, October 25, 2009 12:44 PM
Subject: Oder Request

On 10-25-09, David Kelly wrote:
Hello Sir/Madam,This is David Kelly from Lilburn , Georgia USA ,I would like to know if you do carry (Pool Covers)In stock,If you have kindly let me know the sizes,and types so that i will check and purchase the one am interested ..And what are the price ranges so that i would know the quantity to order.I will like to proceed the payment with my credit card details .
And provide you with a shipping company to schedules the pick up with you by picking it from your location to my new dealership in Sweden. Hope to hear from you soon.
Thank you

Best Regards.
Kelly(Owner)

On 10-26-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Kelly(Owner),

Your information request has been forwarded to me. I handle all pool cover orders as well as dealer training at our East Coast Facility.

We carry every stock shape and size cover as well as all custom covers. However since you indicate that these covers will be going to a dealership in Sweden, I believe you would probably be interested in the Scandinavian models that we find so popular in Finland, Norway, Iceland, and Denmark.

The common names of these stock covers are Esperanto-like versions of a poly-glot Scandinavian language. People in that part of the world apparently understand the terms:

Rectangles
16 x 32 "Kraken-Fluken" List $1599
18 x 36 "Chraul-nod-Chraul" List $1699
20 x 40 "Gadorp" List $1799

Grecians
16 x 32 "Sklurk" List $1649
18 x 36 "Orken-Flukle" List $1749
20 x 40 "Ok-bagok" List $1849

Discounts off of List Price
Quantities
1 to 5 ----- 40%
6 to 10 ----- 40% + 10%
11 to 25 ----- 40% + 10% + 5%
26 to 40 ----- 40% + 10% + 10%
41 to 65 ----- 40% + 10% + 10% + 5%
66 to 100 ----- 40 % + 10% + 10% + 10%
101 to 1,000,000 ----- 40% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10%
1,000,001 to 100,000,000 ----- 40% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% + 10% +5%

As you can see, if you were going to buy 1,000,000 covers, you'd be better off buying 1,000,001 since you get a much better discount there.

Thank you for your interest.

Please let me know how you would like to proceed.

Cameron Asgaboom
(My friends call me "Boom Boom". You may also)

On 10-26-09, David Kelly wrote:
Thanks for your reply and am interested in purchasing 3 pieces of them(16 x 32 "Kraken-Fluken)with the price $1599 and i need you to check and gave me the quote on that ...
I will like to proceed the payment with my credit card detailsand it will be shipping to Sweden
So i will provide you with a shipping company to schedules the pick up with you by picking it from your location to my dealership in Sweden and proved me your number so that we can talk on phone you cell OKThanks and hope to hear back from you asap.

Regards,
Kelly........

On 10-26-09, David Kelly wrote:
I need 20 pieces of them Ok ,Not 3 but 20 of them and let me know the total plus shipping did you contact them?

David

On 10-27-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear David,

Please call me Boom-Boom. All of my friends do.

Thank you for your order of 20 - 16 x 32 "Kraken-Fluken" Covers. I believe it was a wise choice.
I recently read a report on Swedish Swimming Pools in a pamphlet entitled "Getting Your Noodle Wet in Scandinavia" and apparently the 16 x 32 cover size is the hot-hot-hot cover this year!

Also it was a good idea getting 20 instead of 4. The discount is so much better.

20 x $1599 = $31,980.
$31,980 x .6 = $19,188
$19,188 x .9 = $17,269.20
$17,269.20 x .95 = $16,405.74

So your total cost is $16,405.74

You never told me what shipper you wanted to use so I took it upon myself to contact one. They are called Asgaboom Cargo, LTD. And I can personally vouch for them. The total cost for shipping to anywhere in Sweden is $11,450.

How would you be paying for all of this?

Boom-Boom

On 10-27-09, David Kelly wrote:
Hello
I am Very Grateful to receive your mail once more with the Quote but i call one of my business partner and we will be needing four(4)pieces of them first OK and please , As i said the earlier on that , I will like the Products to be shipped to Where its Needed and Thus Sweden to be Precise. I will like you to Please try and Send them a Mail containing the Total Weight , Size and Dimension of the Product and Ask them for the Pick up and the Shipping Quote from the Pick up Location to where the Product is Needed Above

To the below destination :
Shipping To Address :--
R & B Ventures Co.Ltd
Matslingan 17,Arninge
72223,Sweden

I have Already Talked to them on this Pick up and Shipping Arrangement and i will be much Glad if you send them the Information required and Ask them for the Pick up and the Shipping Quote back for me to proceed to Paying for the Total Cost of the Whole Purchase Plus Pick up and Shipping Quote . Shipping and Pick Up Company's Information Below,

Name of Shipping Company: ROBERSONEASYWAY LTD
Shipping Company Contact Name :-ROBERT TAWIAH
Shipping Contact E-mail Address: ROBERSONEASYWAY.UK@HOTMAIL.COM

Do hope to hear back from you with the Estimated Quote from the Shipping company plus the Product Cost for me to proceed to Paying my Order with My Valid Credit Card Numbers .I will be happy if you will proved me your cell number so that we can talk more on phone....

David Kelly

On 10-27-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dearest David,

I'm not sure why you have chosen to disrespect me by not addressing me as a friend and calling me "Boom-Boom". I have been as eloquent and respectful of you in all cases and I have always addressed you as David. Around the world, all of my friends, associates, business contacts, organized crime figures, and animal trainers have shown me the respect even total strangers should afford to one another. Yet you have not.

I have even inconvenienced myself by making an effort to find you a shipper when I thought you had neglected to do so. (And believe me, finding a shipper to take pool covers to Sweden is not that easy.)

The total for your order now stands at $16,405.74 for 20 pieces. Now you tell me that you only need 4. I cannot give you the same discount that applies to 20 pieces since you suggest that you would not be paying for the total package all at once.

If you had shown me the proper respect by addressing me as "Boom-Boom" I might have allowed the full discount for this short order.

This is your very last chance.

I have written this haiku to express my feelings about this:

Four out of twenty,
And you don't call me "Boom-Boom".
Where is my respect?

Boom-Boom

On 10-27-09, David Kelly wrote:
Dearest Boom-Boom, How are you dong i hope all is all with you, I need the 4 and i will order the rest later OK am so sorry about that so contact them and let me know the total cost plus my order and the shipping cost from ROBERSONEASYWAY LTD..

David

On 10-28-09, Vladdio wrote:
Thank you so much, David Kelly!

...not for the reduction in the size of the order (that sucks and I am both angry and very disappointed in it).

No, thank you for showing the respect to consider me a friend (even though true friends wouldn't reduce the size of their order with me by 80%! That really pisses me off.)

Therefore 4 units x $1599 = $6,396.

Your discount for this quantity should only be 40% but I did say I would give you the 20 unit discount which is 40% + 10% + 5% so whereas you should be paying $3,837.60, with the better discount you only pay $3,281.15 - an additional savings to you of $556.45.

(.......now that really burns my ass! First you treat me like shit and then I have to give away almost $600 just to get a little courtesy from you.... you've got a lot of goddamned nerve.)

I will contact the shipping company you wish to use. (I hope they're not a bunch of ignorant assholes like some people I know.)

And I'll let you know the shipping charges as soon as I can. (...like I should go to great lengths to help you....)

Boom-Boom

On 10-28-09, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear ROBERT TAWIAH,

Please read the correspondence below regarding a shipment of 4 (that's all - only 4!) pool covers that this David Kelly guy ordered from me.

He wants me to find out the costs of shipping. He's too goddamned lazy to do it himself. You know the type. Probably a real wimpy putz; wants everybody to give him some slack; too stupid to figure things out for himself.

Don't get me started.

Anyway....

Let me know the cost so I can pass it on to Little Davy Kelly, the goofball.

Boom-Boom

On 10-28-09, Robert Tawiah (the "shipper") wrote
ROBERSONEASYWAY LTD (Dealers in Shipping,Importing & Exporting of Goods)

Hello Value Customer,
Thank you for your interest in using ROBERSONEASYWAY LTD

We need you location first before we can give you total cost

Mosher Tawiah
Shipping Department.
ROBERSONEASYWAY LTD

On 10-28-09, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Dear Mosher (Robert),

Please forgive my oversight in not providing you with the pick-up location. I was so flustered with the behavior of David Kelly that I completely overlooked it. I'm sure you'll understand. Dealing with ignoramuses like him puts a stress on me like a striddy on a chicken (if you know what I mean.)

I don't know how often you are forced to deal with Dipshit Kelly, but I would be careful. They say that stupidity is not contagious but all the same, I'd hedge my bets and play it safe. Keep contact to a minimum. And for god's sake, don't share a smoothie with him.

By the way, if you have met him, maybe you can satisfy my curiosity. Does he wear a pointed hat, pick his nose, and drool? That's how I imagine him.... just wondering...

The pick-up address is as follows:

Clappy Hands Industrial Park
32 Permafrost Circle
Tippytoes, Alaska 99929

Thanks for your help.

Boom-Boom (but you can continue calling me: Value Customer! I like that!)

On 10-28-09, Robert Tawiah wrote:
ROBERSONEASYWAY LTD
(Dealers in Shipping,Importing & Exporting of Goods)

Hello Boom-boom,

Thank you for your interest in using ROBERSONEASYWAY LTD for your shipping needs.We checked on shipping (4 pool covers)from your location which is thus:

Pick Up Address:

Clappy Hands Industrial Park
32 Permafrost Circle
Tippytoes, Alaska 99929

To the below destination :
Shipping To Address :--
R & B Ventures Co.Ltd
Matslingan 17,Arninge
72223,Sweden

and its going to cost $1,775.00.That includes international airway taxes (I.A.T), Tariffs and custom's clearance duties.Product is very secured in our custody and well protected until aim of delivery is excellently completed.It takes approximately 5 business working daysfor delivery from the day of pick-up because our shipping method is always compared toexpress shipping.
We will also like you to know that for you being the shipper you are the one supposed to make the payment to us.The only method of payment we accept is via Western Union Money Transfer or Money Gram to our financial manager in the delivery location.Let us know if you wish to proceed with this shipment so that we can email you back with all the information you require to be able to transfer the funds to us.We look forward to serving you to your fullest satisfaction.
Thank You
Mosher Tawiah
Shipping Department.
ROBERSONEASYWAY LTD

CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: The information contained in this e-mail message may be privileged and confidential information and is intended only for the use of the individual and/or entity identified in the address or this message. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient, or an employee or agent responsible to deliver it to the intended recipient, you are requested not to print, distribute or copy this communication. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us immediately by telephone or return e-mail and delete the original message from your system.

Thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On 10-28-09, David Kelly wrote:
Hello Boom-Boom
How are you doing i hope all is well yes as i said i will order the rest later OK i need you number so that we can talk on phone....

David

On 10-28-09, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Mr. Robert Tawiah,

Speak now I you. In training for the sales. I am Bao Mouve Minht. Fine for Bao. Me. Mr.Cameron Asgaboom not now. When sick go sick. Him acount to me. No.1 trainnee for the pollcover to sell. Very many english to be learn. Say Bao send Swedish for cover. 2years englishschool. NO PROBLEM Tawiah. Mr.Cameron go no boom. boom-boom and Bao make sale talk and Bao number with fine. Yes fine. Deal money now $3,281.15 and to David for Swedish no go boom. Ship boaty with Mosher Tawiah and number $ $1,775.00. OK no duck.

Send now pickupClappy Hands. Bao $ to ROBERSONEASYWAY LTD (Dealers in Shipping,Importing & Exporting of Goods) and Western Union Money Transfer or Money Gram big money OK.

Byebye

Bao

The $999 Blue Puppy Scam

...and honestly, no animals were harmed in the making of this scam.

From: Kenny Hall [mailto:kennyhall005@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, October 23, 2009 7:06 PM

On 10-23-09, Kenny Hall wrote:
Hello,
Let me know if your item is available for sale.

On 10/23/09, Vladdio wrote:
Yes it is.

On 10-24-09, Kenny Hall wrote:
How Much

On 10/25/09, Vladdio wrote:
$999.00

On 10-25-09, Kenny Hall wrote:
Hello,
Thanks for your swift response toward the inquiry about the Puppie as stated by you, am really pleased, i would have come over to your location to view the Puppie but i wont be able to come at the moment due to the nature of my work as present.

I will like you to know that i am okay with the price and i will make the payment sendto you via check which will clear to your account in one working days.
Kindly forward me your full detail as writting bellow tomake the check send to you for urgent business transaction.

Your full name as to be writing on the check.
Your full address where to send the check .
your phone number where i can contact you forany urgent comunication.

As for the pick up,i will know how to handle that with my mover that as been helping me to move in my belongings into our home, the Mover will come for the pick up once the check has been cashed and i will like to complete this transaction soonest. Thanks and get back to me with the full info as soon as possible
Regards
Kenny

On 10/26/09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Kenny,

Your order has been forwarded to me since I handle puppy sales.

We would like to complete this transaction as rapidly as possible since the puppy may, at any moment, turn onto a dog.

As previously stated the selling price is $999. If the transformation into a dog does occur, the price automatically jumps to $1299. I do not want to jeopardize this sale over a delay of a few days.

To answer your questions:
- my name is Husky Frappen-Prappen
- my address is 281 Nacho Order Lane, New Tacotown, PA 15984
- my phone number is unlisted. But if necessary I can call you.

Thank you,

Husky

On 10-26-09, Kenny Hall wrote:
Thanks for your mail reply . I wil like you to remove the puppie from advert till my payment deliver to you.

On 10/26/09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Kenny,

The Puppy has been removed from the advertisement, per your request.

I can keep it out of circulation for 5 days max. If we do not conclude our sale in that time I have no choice but to repost the ad.

I think it's only fair to tell you that I have 2 other potential buyers who are interested in the Puppy but they contacted me after you did. However, as I thought the deal might be about to happen with one of them, I prepared the Puppy for him per his specifications. This should in no way effect our own arrangement. I'll send you a photo as soon as I am able so you are not surprised at the somewhat outrageous color I was asked to paint it. But don't be alarmed. The puppy is now very BLUE but we hadn't yet painted its nails WHITE. It was to have been fitted with a bright red collar and I guess the whole effect was to have been very patriotic.

But I personally don't care. The other interested party also wouldn't have cared. His only concern about the puppy was its taste, and I believe it would have been shaved prior to its final approach to the barbeque pit.

Let me know when your arrangements for payment are ready.

Thank you.

Husky

On 10-28-09, Kenny Hall wrote:
Hello ,
How are you doing? I will like to inform you that my wife have make the payment and send it to you this morning .And she told me that she made a little mistake to send you over payment which she surpose to send to my mover who wil come for the pick up of the item .Because we have so many item with the mover which he will shipped to us including the item am purchasing from you.

Kindly proceed to your bank and get the payment cashed then deduct your part fund for the item and also take extral $50 for your honesty to let the item be mine and your runing arround over the transaction.Please bear with me if there is any inconfiniency. I will get back to you with the UPS tracking number for the payment .Also i will forward you the information to wire the rest fund to my mover as soon as you comfirm the payment .
Thanks & God Bless You..

On 10/28/09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Kenny,

I look forward to receiving your payment. If your wife sent it out this morning I should get it tomorrow.

Unfortunately, my premonition was correct and the Puppy is now a dog. The price is now $1299.

I'm also going to have to insist that you pay for the blue paint. I paid $25 for 1 gallon but I had a coupon for $5 off, but I left it at home the day I bought the paint. This is my fault so I will only charge you $20. Besides, I still have about a quart left. I'll probably use it for a kitten I'm also trying to sell. People around here love blue kittens. I think that's true everywhere.

What was the amount of the check? I expect $1319. If you sent less, send more.

And you should also include extra money for feeding the dog. We found out yesterday that the dog (not puppy) likes squirrel meat and that's what we have been feeding it.

I won't ask you to pay for the squirrel meat because squirrels are everywhere. I will, however, ask you to pay for the poison darts we use to kill the squirrels. I can't see how you would object to that.

Poison darts are $2.50 each and we've used about 8 so far. By the time your movers actually picks up the dog (not puppy) I may have used a total of 30.

Also, you should know that my honesty is worth a lot more than $50. I put it at $200 at least.

It's a real pleasure doing business with you.

Husky

On 10-29-09, Kenny Hall wrote:
Hello,
I will like you to send me your correct address where the payment will be deliver to you . .Because the payment return to me that the address you send is incorrect please do this very urgent

On 10/29/09, Vladdio wrote:
Dearest Kenny,

I've just decided to reduce the price of the Dog (not Puppy) to $500 this morning when I discovered that the Dog had died.

A few hours ago, we returned from the veterinarian where we were told that the dog had been poisoned.

I know how upset this must make you feel. I know you loved that blue dog and I know you had high hopes for good times and companionship. It is sad, I know, to realize that you won't be able to frolic about the park, play catch, pick blue fleas off of him, chase cars with him, or any of the other fun activities you had planned.

Now all you can do is just look at him laying on the floor in the corner of your house somewhere, decomposing.

I thought if I could help you by reducing the price, you could have him stuffed. He is, after all, still your dog.

On the plus side, he won't need to be fed, so you'll save quite a bit of money on squirrel meat. Unless you too, decided to hunt squirrels with pois........

...uh.

The address I sent you before is correct.

But my mailman hates me and sometimes refuses to deliver my mail to me. He thinks I'm responsible for the death of his dog. That's a long story and I won't go into it right now.

Please re-send the payment to:
Grandma Frappen-Prappen
280 Nacho Order Lane
New Tacotown, PA 15984

This is my grandma (she hates dogs and puppies). She lives across the street from me and the mailman likes her and will deliver to her. (I believe they may be having an affair. Please don't tell anyone I said that.)

Husky

Terry Thomas, Arctic Covers, and - so help me, God - a Leper

...well, maybe not a real leper, but I like to think of him that way.

From: Terry Thomas [mailto:terrythomas6@gmail.com]
Sent: Saturday, October 03, 2009 9:49 PM
Subject: Enquiry

On 10-3-09, Terry Thomas wrote:
Dear Sir/Madam
My name is Terry Thomas and i will like to know whether u have Safety Pool covers and also the brands that u carry as well as the most cheapest in stock.and if u do have this brand let me know the price Safety Pool Cover -Pool Size: 16' x 32' Blue Rectangle Arctic or any let me knowAnd also do u take credit card as payment as well.I will be expecting a email from you.

Thank you
Terry Thomas
520-xxx-xxxx

On 10-7-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Thomas,

Your email was forwarded to me. I control the manufacture, procurement, and shipping of every safety pool cover in the northern hemisphere as well as the Congo.

The most cheapest pool cover we have is $8. The most expensivest cover we have yet made for a custom installation was $140,000. This was for a lake in New Hampshire.

The 16 x 32 Blue Rectangle Arctic cover is $895.00. But let me recommend the Blue Rectangle Antarctic cover, which is almost identical and only costs $645.00.

Yes we take credit cards.

Please contact me ASAP.

Thank you.

Roald Amundsen

On 10-3-09, Terry Thomas wrote:
The 16 x 32 Blue Rectangle Arctic cover
Thanks for replying to my message,i want 7pcs of the material shipped to this address

NAME: MR ADERSON LAWSON.
ADDRESS : 343 Malibongwe Dr
FERNDALE RANDBURG ZA, 2194
SOUTH AFRICA

And i want to recommend you to a shipping company that will be able to ship the packages to my client destination the shipping company email address is bigworldcargo@email.com . I want u to email them and find out wht it will take for the freight cost as soon as u have it email me with the total and i will submit my credit card for u to run and have the materials shipped out asap.I will be expecting a reply from you.

With Regards
Terry Thomas

On 10-12-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Thomas,

Please forgive the delay in responding to your email. I was so excited in getting an order for 7 (seven!) 16 x 32 Blue Rectangle Arctic Covers, I fell out of my chair and tumbled down 3 (three!) flights of steps, breaking both of my elbows. I am now in 2 (two!) full arm casts.

That wouldn't be so bad except that my arms are fixed in a full extension position and I can only type when I sit 3 (three!) feet away. And I am near-sited.

Just this morning I was given a pair of Zoom-zoom bifocal glasses and they help me immensely.

I will contact your shipper immediately.

Your total for this order is $6,265.00.

Thank you.

Roald Amundsen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On 10-12-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Shipper Person,

Please read the following series of emails.

Dr. Terry Thomas of the South African Association of Chocolate Waffle Lovers has recently ordered 7 covers and YOU have been selected to act as shipper.

If you chose to accept this high honor, you are expected to handle these covers with the utmost care. It could be dangerous, but Dr. Terry Thomas would not have chosen you if he did not think you were up to the task. It gives me chills when I think of the new levels of respect you will be afforded by your own countrymen. Even your fellow lepers will beam with pride when they next see you - or what is left of you.

Please contact me regarding arrangements for pick-up of the covers.

Thank you and GOD BLESS YOU!

Roald Amundsen

The Old "Bite Indicator" Scam

...And I almost fell for it!

From: Muntari Yahaya [mailto:muntari4realy@yahoo.com]
Sent: Wednesday, October 07, 2009 8:31 AM
Subject: Orders

On 10-7-09, Larry Mike wrote:
Hello how are you doing my name is Larry mike pls i will like to know if you do have BITE INDICATORS for sell and i will like to know the cost of it plux the tax and get back to me hope to here from you very soon.

Rev.Larry Mike

On 10/7/09, Rhonda (A Vladdio Operative) wrote:
Good morning Larry:

Thank you for your interest in our products. I have not heard of a “bite indicator”. What is this used for?

Rhonda Xxxx

On 10-7-09, Larry Mike wrote:
Hello am very happy to here from you am going to ues it for pool

On 10-7-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dearest Reverend Mike,

Your emailed information regarding "Bite Indicators" was forwarded to our home office.

Bite Indicators are a rather sensitive issue in our culture and can cause great embarrassment especially to the women. In fact, they often become so flustered, they feign ignorance about them altogether.

I hope you understand. Our company sells more bite indicators than any one else in the world but we do no advertising for obvious reasons.

For all future correspondence please write "Porcupine Helmet" in the subject line.

As to costs, we have 4 different sizes: Small ($2.00), Medium ($2.50), Large ($3.00), and Humongo ($15.00).

Tax is 8%.

Thank you,

Krakatoa E. Java

On 10-7-09, Larry Mike wrote:
Hello am very happy to here from you i do undarstand i need you to give me the total cost of 40 pices of the Large ($3.00) plux the tax and dont worry about the shipping i will take care of the shipping and i will like to know what type of payment do you accpit hope to here from you very soon.
Rev.Larry Mike

On 10-13-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Reverend Mike,

40 pieces of the "Porcupine Helmets" at $3 each will cost you $120.

Add 8% tax, and the total comes to $1500.

Very often I accept credit cards, but since you are asking about other types of payment, I would be happy to accept poultry.

But let me know what is best for you.

Thank you.

Krakatoa E. Java

On 10-13-09, Larry Mike wrote:
Attention:
Thank you for your respond..I am okay with the price which is $$1500.I will like to make the full payment to you but firstly i will like you to contact my shipping company that will be coming along to pick up the orders.I am now in contact with my Banker's in regards of the full payment.

Here is the contact of the shipping company
Contact Name : Mr. Martin Osafo
Contact Email :2portshipping@gmail.com
Delivery address
Name: Mr. George Mark
Street Address : 23 Pentecost Church Ave.
State : Accra
Country : Ghana
Zip Code : 00233
I will like you to give them the weight of the orders and also ask them to tell you how much is going to cost for the pick from your location to that delivery address..After they give you the cost,then add the amount with the total of the order together so that i can go ahead and make the full payment to you.Any thing that you email the shipping company with let me know and also when you hear from them too let me know what ever they said.I will be looking forward to your respond.Stay blessed.

Rev.Larry Mike

On 10-24-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Mr. Martin Osafo,

Reverend Larry Mike asked that I contact you with information regarding his order of 40 Bite Indicators (He prefers to call them Porcupine Helmets).

The total weight of this order is 404 lbs. This includes the 400 lb. palate.

Please let me know the total cost for the pick up.

Thank you.

Krakatoa E. Java

On 10-24-09, Clark Hayford, the "shipper" wrote:
[mailto:2portshipping@gmail.com]
(This came to me in a very small font, so that's the way I'm presenting it. I increased the size of the font and boldfaced the price he wanted for shipping. You'll see why in my response.)

Dear Customer.Thank you for contacting 2 Ports Shipping Company Ltd, For all your shipping needs, For a Pick up such weight and dimension and as we check on our system the Freight cost FROM:Where usa TO:Mr George Mark, 23 Pentecost Church Avenue, Accra, Ghana, 00233. It would be $2,750. That includes international airway taxes (I.A.T), Tarries, custom's clearance duties with 3 to 4 working days. Also we will need a payment before the pick up can be entered into our system, and as soon as we receive the payment we would then provide you with the Shipping Invoice as well as Pick Up date and time. Also we accept payment via ( Western Union) payment has to be made by the Pickup address thus the address where the Unit will be picked up. So if you want us to start preparing for your paper work and have your information on your Data, Request for the payment Information so once its been done you can have your Invoice. 2 Ports Shipping Company Ltd would search for a nearest western union to your location so we can provide you all information for your payment as soon as that is done before we can go ahead with a Payment Invoice. Please don't hesitate to get back to us if you need any other inquiry. We will take care of you and your Shipping till it gets to the delivery destination. We look forward to serving you to your fullest satisfaction as well in near future.you can give us all inquiries via email since it will be convenient for our records. If you need anything don't hesitate to contact us because we will always be at your service and we will also handle the packaging and crating for shipment.

2 Ports Shipping Company Ltd.
General manager
Martin Osafo
UK - 0044-7031893905
World Wide - 00233-24227333

On 10-24-09, Vladdio wrote:
(I won't bother calling you "Dear") Martin Osafo,

Are you out of your goddamned mind!!! $2,750 to ship these 40 bite indicators!!! Not gonna happen.

Furthermore, I trust that my dear friend, the good Reverend Larry Mike, will be as upset as I am in your blatant attempt to gouge him for such a ridiculous amount of money. $2,750 Indeed!

I am not even the one paying for the shipping so I shouldn't even complain but it galls me to no end that fat-headed poop-eaters such as yourself would take advantage of good hardworking people like the good reverend. He's a goddamned reverend for Christ's sake!! Be quite assured, you disgusting little asshole, that I will be lodging a complaint with the Global Shipping Regulatory Agency AND the International House of Pancakes and I will be willing to avail of my time - free of charge - in whatever hearings they convene to put your sorry ass behind bars.

Yours truly,

Krakatoa E. Java

On 10-24-09, Larry Mike wrote:
Hello how are you doing am very happy to here from you that is okay i will like you to add with the cost of the tea that i order and the shipping company cost and give me the total cost of all so that i can make the full payment so that you can send the money to the shipping company so that they can came right way for the pick up i will be waiting to here from you very soon.

Rev,Larry mike

On 10-25-09, Clark Hayford (the "shipper") wrote:
Dear Customer.
Thank you for contacting 2 Ports Shipping Company Ltd, For all your shipping needs, For a Pick up such weight and dimension and as we check on our system the Freight cost FROM:Where usa TO:Mr George Mark, 23 Pentecost Church Avenue, Accra, Ghana, 00233. It would be $2,750. That includes international airway taxes (I.A.T), Tarries, custom's clearance duties with 3 to 4 working days. Also we will need a payment before the pick up can be entered into our system, and as soon as we receive the payment we would then provide you with the Shipping Invoice as well as Pick Up date and time. Also we accept payment via ( Western Union) payment has to be made by the Pickup address thus the address where the Unit will be picked up. So if you want us to start preparing for your paper work and have your information on your Data, Request for the payment Information so once its been done you can have your Invoice. 2 Ports Shipping Company Ltd would search for a nearest western union to your location so we can provide you all information for your payment as soon as that is done before we can go ahead with a Payment Invoice. Please don't hesitate to get back to us if you need any other inquiry. We will take care of you and your Shipping till it gets to the delivery destination. We look forward to serving you to your fullest satisfaction as well in near future.you can give us all inquiries via email since it will be convenient for our records. If you need anything don't hesitate to contact us because we will always be at your service and we will also handle the packaging and crating for shipment.

2 Ports Shipping Company Ltd.
General manager
Martin Osafo
UK - 0044-7031893905
World Wide - 00233-24227333

On 10-24-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Larry Mike,

Below are 2 responses from your shipper to me regarding your current order. If you look closely you will see that they are identical.

I believe your shipper is a moron or a thief or both.

He would not be the first moron shipper I've had to deal with. In our business, moron shippers are as common as dingo snot. However I think you might want to reconsider using him. Because even though - according to you - he is a great dancer, he is also a geek. And geeks are not very trustworthy. (I can cite many examples.)

Also, he is trying to overcharge you for the shipping. He expects you to pay $2750 to ship the 40 bite indicators, when the actual charge should be closer to $2720. If you do agree to pay his outrageous price, the total bill - including bite indicators ($1500) - would be $4250. And if you do decide to pay this total, I myself will put the bite indicators and tea (?) in my pocket and hand deliver them to you. I will only charge you $4220. This would cover my flight and rental car. I would expect you to pay for my food and acupuncture.

Let me know how you would like to proceed. I'm having my tailor alter my pockets so I can also fit my passport and some breath mints.

Krakatoa E. Java