What I Wouldn't Give To Be An Orphan

...just ask my old man.

From: charityhomecare charityhomecare [mailto:charity_home_care2004@yahoo.com]
Sent: Sunday, November 16, 2008 12:38 PM
To: xxxxxxxxx@comcast.net
Subject: swimming poles safety fence

On 11-16-08, Juliet Mills wrote:
Hello
I want to order for swimming poles safety fence ....
Hope to hear from you soon...
Thanks

Juliet Mills

On 11-16-09, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Juliet,

My name is Vladdio.
Thank you for contacting me regarding our child safety pool fence.
I'm the local dealer for Life Saver Pool Fence.
Please contact me as soon as possible. (I don't have your phone number.)

Thanks.

Vladdio

On 11-17-08, Juliet Mills wrote:
Hello Vladdio

Thanks so much for the reply. How ever i own a charity home care organization which is based in West africa Ghana and am sorry am deaf i cant speak on the phone if u wont mind to call my secretary and talk to him on 00233240541105 also u cant let us continue the transaction via e mail .Hope to hear from you soon....

Thanks
Best Regards
Juliet Mills

On 11-17-09, Vladdio wrote:
Email works just fine for me.

I'll need to know how many feet of fence you need. Also a photo of the pool area would be very helpful.

Thanks

On 11-17-08, Juliet Mills wrote:
Hello Vladdio
The feet should be 8 feet tall and am sorry i cant provide the photo of the pool ...

Thanks

Best regards

On 11-17-09, Vladdio wrote:
Not a problem. This is relatively easy to calculate. Based on the detailed information you provided me I would say you would need our Model XJ-2600 Ramjet Starbuckle with sidesplitter aerlons and coolant module. You obviously won't need a defroster since I'll assume it's hot in Ghana. Access to the pool area will be by our luxury Model 56-5600 Entry delivery package which can enable 200 people per minute through the gate. I'm going to recommend the color red since you'll want to see it from distances more than 2 miles (sorry I can't convert that to meters). I also recommend the electrified early detection system for unwanted animals. Barbed wire in this case is unnecessary.

Including Fanorkin tax, gabacchi fees, and schlacton-frano fees, AND shipping and music the total from your end would be $108,475.15 US dollars. However since you are a charitable organization I can give you a reduced price of $108,470.85. If you prefer to pay in Euros, I can deduct another $20,000.64.

Please let me know how you'd like to proceed. I can have this delivered to you pronto.

Vladdio

On 11-18-08, Juliet Mills wrote:
Hello Vladdio
I asked my secretary to call you on the your and i hope he did his name is Dr. Abdel kadir... Hoping to hear from you soon...

Thanks
Best regards
Juliet Mills

On 11-18-09, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Juliet,

Dr. Abdel kadir has tried to contact me via phone several times today. There appears to be some difficulty with the language barrier. In order to continue I require the following:

- photos of the pool area, including the pools, the water, people in the pool, people out of the pool, the sky, the walkway around the pool. The photos should show the area from 4 or 7 separate angles

- the type of walkway. Is it concrete, wood, pavers, brick, tile, rope, dirt, grass, mulch, macadam, teflon? This is critical since it tells the installation application and whether or not there will be upcharges.

- availability of chisker

Please note that I've recently had a serious warehouse fire in which I lost all of my stock, half of my horses, 2 gallons of ice tea and my favorite hat. Also I just finished my 17th chemotherapy treatment. Also I am addicted to hallucinogens. Also I am right-handed.

Please tell me what kind payment you will be using. I require a 110% deposit.

If Dr. Kadir calls again the phone may be answered by my father, Blaster-a-go-go, He doesn't speak English very well and when he does, he pretends to be me. But he's not. I'm me and I will tell him that... but he might too. There's really nothing I can do about this. The phone has been accidentally glued to his hand about 4 years ago. I just hope he doesn't go swimming today or at least until after I get your deposit.

Vladdio

On 11-19-08, Juliet Mills wrote:
Hello Vladdio
Thanks so much ,But the only way i can pay this order is by my credit cards and you run all charges from the credit cards....and i hope you contacted the shipping agency i gave you ... Noble_shipping_agency@yahoo.com ...

Hope to hear from you soon...

Thanks
Best Regards
Juliet Mills

On 11-19-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dearest Juliet,

I've tried repeatedly to contact nobel_shipping_agency@yahoo.com but am receiving no response. What is their phone number? What is their address? Do they have any pets?

The package of material that you will be buying may get wet if it rains. Do you think the shipping company is concerned about getting their trucks wet? There's nothing I can do about this except maybe send along some towels. I'll do this but I'd have to charge you an additional $3,400 towel fee. Also - you probably already know this - The USA has very strict regulations on the export of towels. Can the shipping company provide towels?

I'm still waiting for the photos you promised me. I have a good friend who will frame some of the good ones, but he may charge me a framing fee of $35 each. How many photos do you think will require framing?

Also I'm keeping my father out of the pool until I hear from you. It's not that easy. He cries all the time.

I'm considering sending some "medical supplies" to Ghana. Can you recommend a good shipping company?

I enjoy hearing from you. I think we're growing closer, but unless you're willing to accept Jesus as your savior, I don't think we will ever to dance together.

Say hello to the orphans. I'm an orphan myself, so I know what they're going through. I know the fence will change their lives. And that's what's important, isn't it?

Vladdio

On 11-19-08, Juliet Mills wrote:
Hello Vladdio
Thanks so much for the mail .and thanks so much for helping me and the orphans and in jesus name we will be bless all together my regards to you father and we all pray together in jesus name Amen... But try to contact the shipping agency here is the e mail address again( NOBLE_SHIPPING_AGENCY@yahoo.com... but am still sorry i dont have a digital camera to get you the photos if you will forget about the photos i will be greatful and happy. and as soon as i give you my credit cards run all the charges and make sure you added the shipping cost after if you have spoke to them...

Hoping to hear from you in jesus name we all pray Amen...

God bless you fopr helping this orphans...

Juliet Mills

On 11-20-09, Vladdio wrote:
My dearest Juliet,

You'll have to forgive the delay in getting back to you. Something horrible is happening to me and my company and I'm trying desperately to deal with it. It is catastrophic and could result in me going to prison for many many years. Or even result in my torture, disfigurement, and even painful and slow death.

I'll get to that in a minute.

How are things in Ghana!? Hope you are well! You never told me what you look like. I imagine you as a tall elegant blond. Do you still have all of your teeth? In my dreams I see you milking the goats, whistling, singing Sex Pistols songs. I know you said you don't have a digital camera but if you could sketch yourself and send it to me I would truly appreciate it. How are the orphans? I'm guessing there to be about 9,000 of them there. Am I right? Do they know what a wonderful person you are? If you could sketch them too, I would like that.

...but to my problem...

I have recently been approached by an agent from the government. For the sake of security I am not going to use his real name. I will instead call him Mr. Poopypants. Mr. Poopypants came to my burned out ruined warehouse yesterday with news of my possible involvement in internet fraud. He claimed that I was dealing with a group of scam artists who were trying to take advantage of me so as to get money from me. Mr. Poopypants said that since I was a citizen of the USA and that since I was a tax-payer, I represent ALL US tax-payers. And if I was being scammed by overseas scam artists, then ALL US citizens would be effected. The crazy thing is: I never bought any scam art from anybody!!

He wanted to confiscate all of my computer equipment and all of my toys unless I cooperated. I had no choice. I gave him everything - almost. I did manage to hide 18,000 feet of fence.

Juliet, you have become a dear and patient friend to me. If I have to spend time in the government's torture chambers, I want to at least know that the orphans have a good fence. Therefore I wish to send all of the fence I have to you at no charge. I will even pay for the shipping. (By the way, I have tried again and again to contact your shipping company at noble_shitting_agency@yahoo.com and have never ever received a response. You might want to look into them. I think they may be a front.) Please let me know where I should send the fence. Don't concern yourself with the shipping, I will arrange everything. What is that address again?

If you don't hear from me again it will mean either that I am dead, or that my fingers are all broken, or that Mr. Poopypants have taken my computer. And if I am tied to the whipping post, know that I shout out your name with each flick of the lash - JULIET!! JULIET!! JULIET!! JULIET!! JULIET!! JULIET!! (I really hope they don't hit me more than 6 times).

Vladdio

The British Widow and the Bosom of God

...and 18% of.... well that's a lot of money!

From: Mrs. Peace Reidaas. [mailto:mrs.reidaas_1@msn.com]
Sent: Monday, August 17, 2009 3:06 AM
Subject: Hello Dear

Hello Dear,

Good Day and how are you? I am contacting you because I need a trustworthy someone whom I will give my life time savings to help me establish an orphanage and also run a charity program with the money as I will depart this wicked world due to oesophageal cancer. I want to help the poor kids as much as I can. I am a British widow and have no one around me to trust as they all want to loot my money and never care about my interest. Presently I am at the hospital. The total amount for this project is ?3.5million Pounds and 20% of the money will be yours and eighty percent will be used for the project by you. I admit that we have never met before but after I got your contact online and prayed over it for 4 days I developed confidence and decided to trust you and contact you for this donation. I wish you are the honest and hardworking type that I am looking for. Please reply me as quickly as you can for further detail on how this amount would be transferred to your account before I depart to the bosom of God my creator, because my health is deteriorated so badly and I can die at any time.

Please contact me back if you are interested and willing to handle the fund and proposed project.
Sincerely Yours.
Mrs. Peace Reidaas.

On 8-17-09, Vladdio wrote:
Peace,

I believe your email found its way to me through what can only be divine intervention. And I do hope you don't turn me away just because I wasn't the original recipient of your email. And if you are so kind as to consider me trustworthy after reading this email, then Jesus must surely be guiding both of our lives into this matter.

I, too, am wealthy. More wealthy than a man has a right to be. And I must confess that much of my wealth came at the expense of others less fortunate than myself. I am guilty. I know that. I regret my random falls from grace, but there it is.

In fact, up until yesterday, most of my ill-gotten gains came from the sweat and hard work of orphans in third world countries. Perhaps you've heard of the child labor sweat-shops of Tonga, where they work 16 hours a day making lip gloss, lip balm, lip stick, and bamboo skewers. That was me. That is, that was my business. (I was recently profiled in "Sweat Shop Digest" Magazine. This is a trade magazine and not usually available to the general public.)

However, yesterday I had an epiphany and closed up my shop and sent the young mal-nourished children back out into the filthy streets to enjoy the freedom that hungry young street urchins deserve. I knew I had done wrong by them and I couldn't live with myself in this enterprise. (I am, even now, considering closing down my sub-Saharan brothels, my white slavery business, my human trafficking business and my endangered species poaching enterprise.)

Then your email came my way and I knew I was veering onto the right track.

How can I help you? I understand that you are nearing death and that time is short. I know I can help with your 3.5 million pound project and just to show you that I am sincere, I don't even want to take the full 20%. Believe me, 18% for me is more than enough. And this way the orphans receive even more help.

Let me know how I can be of service to you. I have a good good feeling about this day and about you. And don't worry about that nasty old oesophageal cancer. I hear that it can progress so fast that when the incredible pain washes over you, you'll pass over to the bosom of the Lord so fast, the weeks of agony will seem like days of agony.

God bless you, Peace.

LaGrange Point, GED

That's A Lot of BTUs!

...for 8 one-armed men

From: larrieson mark
Sent: Tuesday, July 21, 2009 2:15 AM
To: rita@xxxxxxxxx.com
Subject: Heater

On 7-21-09, Larrieson Mark wrote:
Hello Sir/Madam
I would like to make an Enquirer of a pool Heater . I Would like you to get back to me With The Quote on the Natural Gas 400,000 BTU Plus Tax i need 3 heater . Also advice If You Accept Credit Card As A form Of Payment So That I Can Arrange For The Payment Immediately. Looking to hear from you soon.....Thank You

On 7-21-09, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Larrieson,

Thank you for inquiring about our 400,000 BTU pool heaters. We are distributors for the finest 400,000 BTU pool heaters on planet Earth.

In order to fill your request we require the following information regarding your pool:

- Will you be using this pool heater to heat your pool? Yes or No?
- Is your pool a swimming pool? Yes or No?
- You said that you would need 3 pool heaters. If this is all for the same pool, would you be interested in our 1,200,000 BTU pool heater? Yes or No?
- (We also have a 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 BTU pool heater which is currently being leased to the state of Utah to heat the Great Salt Lake. The lease is up in September in case you are interested.)

The pool heater we supply is called the "400,000 BTU Wyatt Earp Memorial Pool Heater".

The price is $5,500 plus tax plus shipping plus lunch.

We do accept credit cards.

Winfield T. Pooh, Esq.

On 7-21-09, Larrieson Mark wrote:
thank you very much for your time i will Yes i will use it to heat my pool no am Sending them to my hotel Yes am need the same pool heater i need a Pick up price for the Heater Please Advice

On 7-21-09, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Larrieson,

I assume that by "Pick up price" you are referring to the shipping and handling and lunch price (but not the tax).

I'll need to know the following information:

- What country will this be shipped to? Yes or No?
- Does your hotel have a swimming pool? Yes or No?
- Are there any local ordinances regarding the import of celery? Yes or No?

I await your final destination information, however I can tell you this much:
- Handling costs for this unit are $600 for 8 one-armed men or $350 for 4 two-armed men.
- Lunch is $5.95 per man regardless of the number of arms they have.

Please also forward me the name and address of the Hotel, and photos of pool.

Thank you.

Winfield T. Pooh, Esq.

On 7-21-09, Larrieson Mark wrote:
i need to buy your pool hear if you can give me a Price fine but i dont that time for that Question thank you

On 7-21-09, Vladdio wrote:
Hi Larrieson,

OK. I understand completely.

The Pick-up price is $7,575.95

Thank you.

Winfield T. Pooh, Esq.

On 7-21-09, Larrieson Mark wrote:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR FOR THE COST FOR THE Heater ,I WILL LIKE YOU TO CONTACT THE FREIGHT COMPANY THAT WILL BE COMING TO PICK THE Heater,THEY ARE ISHIP GHANA EXPRESS SHIPPING COMPANY,THEIR EMAIL ADDRESS IS ishipghana@gmail.com JUST SEND THEM AN EMAIL WITH THE TOTAL WEIGHT ,YOUR LOCATION ADDRESS AND MY SHIPPING ADDRESS BELLOW SO THAT THEY CAN PROVIDE YOU WITH THE FREIGHT CHARGES SO THAT I CAN MAKE BOTH PAYMENT.

SHIPPING ADDRESS
51 BEACH ROAD
ACCRA ,TESHIE
GHANA ,00233

HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU WITH THE FREIGHT CHARGES.

REGARDS

On 7-21-09, Vladdio wrote:
HI LARRIESON!

THIS IS SO GODDAMNED EXCITING I MIGHT JUST PUKE!!!!

I've been sitting on these crappy pool heaters for almost 2 years and have been looking for a sucker to unload then on and then YOU come along! Who'd've believed I could be this lucky!

Especially after the expiration date on the recall passed; I thought I'd have to take a big loss.

I'll try to clean them up a bit before they ship. They're kind of rusty and they're covered in bird shit, but I may even go out and buy a new broom and a wire brush just to make them look presentable. I think the raccoons that were living in them have left - or they may have died. The smell was worse back in March. In either case, I'll put some Air-Wick inside. If that doesn't work, I'll stick in a block of cheddar cheese. And if any parts are missing when you get them, please let us know. We all get such a laugh whenever one of our customers calls us about missing parts. Also I hope you're not sensitive about racial slurs. Some of the guys in the warehouse have been writing some nasty insults on the outer casing in permanent marker. Some of it is rusted off (or through) but some of it is still visible. ...say, isn't Ghana in West Africa anyway?

Oh, and by the way, never mind about your shipper. I decided to send it directly to the address you gave me. My shipper is a little more expensive than most, but at least they're not stupid. I have relatives in Burkina Faso and they tell me that Ghanans couldn't tell a turd from a chili pepper.

As soon as I get your payment information, then BOOM!, we're ready to go!

Thank you so so much!

Winfield T. Pooh, Esq.