Farmer Floob and the Run-Away Cow Pie

...but alas, he chose another!

From: John england [mailto:phelppoor@yahoo.com]
Sent: Tuesday, October 20, 2009 11:39 AM
Subject: Mail order

On 10-20-09, John England wrote:
I will like to know if you ship to Italy? And you take American Visa Card,Master Card and Discovery Card,personal cheque.

On 10-21-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John England,

Your email was forwarded to me. I understand you're interested in our "Floob" Water Parts.

These are trademarked water parts, manufactured in various shops throughout South America and distributed globally. I hold the patent and the primary distribution. I am also the one to speak to regarding licensing.

Please let me know if you are interested in getting access to our online catalogue.

We accept all major credit cards.

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

On 11-3-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dearest John England,

We're having a sale.

Ned

On 11-26-09, John England wrote:
Well am sorry for the late response it was due to some supply we made to a co in brazil .i will like to have the catalogue.As to chose the items i want and how many i want cos we supply diffirents countires

On 11-26-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John England,

Thank you again for your interest in our "Floob" Water Parts.

Right now our catalogue is being re-printed and should be ready for mailing by the end of December. Please provide a mailing address to be added to our list.

We are having a Holiday special for a few of our hottest items. You may be interested in one or all of them:

- The Floobmeister (right now only available in red or green) - $29.95 each
- Floob-a-rama (both the floating model and the sinking model) - $24.95 each
- The Mr. Floob Catch-All (makes a great party gift, AND under $10) - $9.95 each
- Astro-Floob (for the tech-savvy customer) - $49.95 each
- Farmer Floob and the Run-Away Cow Pie - $14.95 each
- Burka-Floob (more popular than we could have imagined) - $149.95 each

Each of the above are available in bulk order.

Please let me know what you might like to order.

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

On 11-26-09, John England wrote:
Hello,
Thanks for getting back to me.here is the item l want to order.

Floob-a-rama (both the floating model and the sinking model) - 100pices
The Mr. Floob Catch-All (makes a great party gift, AND under 250pices
Astro-Floob (for the tech-savvy customer) 100pices

MY DELIVERY ADDRESS
Via G B de Rossi 27, 00161 Rome, Italy

Concerning the shipping , the likes of UPS, DHL and others always don't take care of the charges down here. Charges like handling, customs and duties etc. We have experienced such situation before and i don't want to experience such a thing again,you do not need to worry about the stress involve and all documentations because i have a shipping company that have delivered to me in the past,i really like their services so i will like you to contact them about the shipping.I will be glad if you contact this shipper Stone Bridge agent for the shipping quote (stonebridgeshippingagent@yahoo.com ).I will need you to obtain a quote and get back to me with:

COST OF THE ORDER
COST OF THE SHIPPING VIA
stonebridgeshippingagent@yahoo.com
TOTAL COST (ORDER + SHIPPING)

Once i have these details, i will get back to you with my credit card details immediately.so you can charge and make the necessary shipping arrangements.

On 11-27-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John England,

Thank you for your order.

- Floob-a-rama (both the floating model and the sinking model) - $24.95 each x 100 pieces = $2,495.00
- The Mr. Floob Catch-All (makes a great party gift, AND under $10) - $9.95 each x 250 pieces = $2,487.50
- Astro-Floob (for the tech-savvy customer) - $49.95 each x 100 pieces = $4,995.00

Your total is $9,977.50

Because of the size of this order I need assurances that you will not be re-selling anything to any of my competitors. In the past I've had competitors acquire some of my product and then disassemble it for analysis. This led to the copy-catting and cloning of proprietary product. Because of that, my lawyers require me to get a written promise that ALL orders over 50 units each will be used only for single use application. Therefore please read and answer the following declaration:

I, (fill in your name), do solemnly swear that ALL Floob products and accessories purchased by me will never fall into the hands of any outside enterprise, including - but not limited to - The Italian Beach Ball Network, The Italian Burrito Palace, The Italian Hemorrhoid Collective, and The Italian Urologists Pub Crawl Society. In the event that I am unable to keep this promise I will gladly and without delay, submit myself for painful and humiliating medical experimentation involving leeches and/or skunks.

Please indicate compliance with this assurance by writing "I do so agree" in the subject line of your response email.

Following your agreement, I will contact your shipper.

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

On 11-29-09, John England wrote:
Subject: I DO SO AGREE
Hello Ned ,
Thanks for your responce,well let me start from saying that am a GOD fearing man and i will never do such to you or any one else, cos i know what it really cost you. Am not the kind of person i want to deal with you directly, Because i know things will work out fine and promise to be honest and faithful with any thing i buy from you.........Please keep your mind at rest never doubt me ...Am here to deal with you, cos i know the more am been honest with you the more we both get more sales andmove forward in business.Am ready to deal with loyality and here is my full name as you stated in your email John England that my name and if you have any Q please dont insist to ask me .\
I will be dropping off my pen here.
Thanks
John England

On 11-30-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear John England,

I thank you and so do my lawyers. (The leeches and skunks do not.... yet)

I will be contacting your shipper today.

I'm glad to hear that you are a GOD fearing man. This is a quality I truly appreciate in my customers. I only want like-minded people to be loyal customers of the "Floob" line. Too often I become associated with evil men and wicked women. But real people - people like you and I - we know the truth about GOD. We know that only OUR GOD is the true GOD.

The fools of all of the other false religions just piss me off. Them and their so-called priests, ministers, elders. They're nothing but dupes of SATAN, destined to burn in the shitty fire pits of hell for all eternity. I've seen them in their blasphemous ceremonies, singing their fiendish songs, touching each other. More than once, I've been tempted to barge into their unholy services and shout the truth. Tell them they should all go straight to hell - now! I pray for the day when violence and mayhem - the 9 Iron of GOD - strikes them down and sets them to weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth. Trampled under the feet of the righteous, like you and I! I know GOD will purge the earth of their foul group and destroy their "churches" - CHURCHES! Hah! That's a laugh. Dens of vile godless ignorance!

...but anyway. Thank you for your order.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

On 12-01-09, John England wrote:
Thanks so much for your mail and GOD will always be by our side ....Please let me know as soon as you contact my shipper.
Thanks
John england

On 12-01-09, Vladdio wrote to the "shipper" and copied to the scammer:
Dear Stone Bridge Shipping Agent,

Please read the emails below for information about the shipping of several "Floob" products.

There will be 270 pallets of product. Each pallet will be 42" x 42" x 48" high.

We pack them so the weight will be equally distributed among all 270 pallets.

Each pallet will weigh approximately 2,600 lbs.

That makes the total shipment 702,000 lbs. or 351 tons.

Please note that John England and I require only GOD FEARING personnel to be involved in the loading and unloading of this order. No heathens should be allowed in the presence of any part of this order. And I trust that you yourself are GOD FEARING, lest the wrath of GOD drop upon you like a thousand crates of red hot door knobs.

I have included in this email a prayer for forklifts. Each forklift should have this prayer taped to it. Make copies and post it immediately.

A Prayer for Forklifts
Oh Lord!
Smite the non-believer whosoever rides the clutch of this thy servant forklift!
Rain down thy fury and stomp thy mighty feet at whosoever tilt not thy blades back beforeth putting into gear!
And when the devil's own doth rideth down a ramp forward, risking certain spillage, send down a plague upon them!
And should thy propane runneth out beforeth the deed is done, damn to hell the heretic!
Lo! As in the time of Noah and the loading of thy ark, Grant that no harm shall befall the contents of this order as did happen to the unicorn.
We beseech thee.
Amen.

Please let me know when you can schedule a pick up.

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

On 12-02-09, John England wrote:
Hello Nedo,
How are you doing today and how is your family as well .....Hope they all doing well.
Well i got your mail concerning the shipping Agent it was really nice of you doing this and i want to let you know as well that the Director of the shipping company is a good beliver as well.So in this case i belive everything is going to be in good order and now what is the next thing cos i guess is to make the payment and as you are handling the shipping for me and there payment as well cos i was been told they receive there payment Via western union ..But i want everything to be in order and i want to let you know that u are the kind of person to rely on you really impressed me alot and i will like to meet you in person some day.
Thanks
John England

On 12-02-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Brother John,

I haven't heard back yet from the shipper regarding the costs. If you have any influence with him at all, please contact him.

I'm not sure what it is I said that would impress you - possibly you picked up on how streamlined and organized my company is. I had decided long ago that the "Floob" product line was to have a #2 spot in my life so I make every effort to give it the attention it deserves. (GOD of course is #1 and my wife and family are #6.)

And yes, you should plan to visit. I'll give you an executive tour of our plant. I don't do that often but I think you, of all people, would appreciate the way I have things set up. We have the largest warehouse in the tri-county area: 260,000 square feet. Our production wing boast the latest in technical innovation. Our shipping department is never more than 6 hours behind production. Our chapel rivals any church in the state for fine woodwork, pews, stained glass, and we have 3 granite altars. We even have our own on-site chaplain. Because even though I am an ordained minister, I'm not always available to lead my workforce in prayer, or weddings, funerals, baptisms, or punishment rituals: flogging, branding, keelhauling, light bruising, etc.

All of my employees are required to wear the company uniform. And when off duty (when not at work) they're required to either wear the company uniform or at very least, wear the company colors: Yellow, White, and Orange only.

I believe you and I share the same morals and principles. And I believe we also share the same contempt for non-believers. I think this, our first business transaction, could lead to much success and profit for both of us. I really do. And it will certainly move us both closer to a place at the right hand of GOD, when we are called to his side.

GOD BLESS JOHN ENGLAND AND MAY GOD GRANT THAT HIS COMPETITION DIE IN PAIN AND BURN IN HELL!

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

PS. Please refrain from calling me "Nedo". In the The Apocrypha, Nedo refers to the step-brother of John the Baptist, and he preferred to wear himations in the style of lustful women. And of course he himself had no interest in women. I'm assuming you didn't know this, otherwise you would not have made such a deviant slur towards me.

On 12-03-09, John England wrote:
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL I WILL LIKE TO HAVE YOUR PERSONAL CELL PHONE # AS TO TALK TO YOU

On 12-03-09, Vladdio wrote:
Dear Brother John,

Although there are no cell phones in the Bible, I do have one. Unfortunately I ruined another one a few days ago while conducting a group baptism (followed by a "Trial by fire"). I'll have one in a couple of days.

It will be good talking to you.

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC

On 12-03-09, the "shipper" wrote:
Dear Client,
We appreciate your business. We would be very glad to come for the pick up in your company, Before we can provide you with the freight cost. We will want you to provide us with the weight and dimension of the goods,value of the goods and also the full address of your company were the goods will be picked up, As soon as you confirm the details we need, we would provide you with the shipping cost. Please do not hesitate to let us know if you have any question.
Thank You And We Hope To Serve You.
We make it a simple task,
whatever the journey,
wherever in the world.
Sincerely Yours
Paul Read.
Customer Service
Stone bridge shipping co

On 12-03-09, Vladdio wrote to the shipper:
Mr. Paul Read,

So you tried to confuse me, eh.

I copied the email (below) to you just the other day. And that email had ALL of the information that you are now requesting again! Ha! The weight, the dimensions, the value of the order. (?)

It is this kind of discombobulating and obfuscation that is most obvious as behavioral traits of Satan's minions.

You can't fool the Righteous, Mr. Paul Read! I recognize you and your master as I would recognize the Whore of Babylon! You are vile! You are evil incarnate! Stand back from me, oh minister of all that is loathsome!

Peddle your temptations elsewhere; I'll not fall for it! And neither will my good friend John England! Not when there are shipping agents who are outside of the evil grasp of the Prince of Darkness! And those we shall find, and leave you to the fallen.

Thank you.

Ned Ryerson
President, Punxsutawney Pool Products, LLC